Hugs & Blows

Relapse Versus Recovery.

Odette had been thinking about recovery and relapse a lot, she was beginning to doubt the existence of her problems. What if it was all some bandwagon fashion statement. The thought of her convincing herself that she was suffering from some ailment when she wasn't, made her hate herself even more. It made her want to cry and purge. She doesn't know why recovery makes her feel like she was never and isn't sick.

She remembers this one girl she saw on a train a long time ago. She opened a door a found this chubby blonde girl mumbling incoherently and jabbing herself with thumbtacks. Eventually Odette found out that she was bloodletting because she thought there was a poison coursing through her veins, deteriorating her brain.

Actually the girl had suffered from a psychotic break.

Odette felt like a faker, she didn't cut exceptionally deep. She hadn't even been cutting lately. She decided that her wrists were the most attention seeking location should could have chosen to mutilate. She angrily slapped her thigh and thought "What the fuck is wrong with me?"

She was seething with self-hatred. She wanted to carve the words "Attention Whore" into her thigh, no her arm, maybe her stomach. She didn't know where, any place would do she decided.

She stood up and ran around the house searching for her blades. They were no where to be found. She punched the wall overwhelmed with anger. Ethan must have thrown them out. She entered the kitchen and ripped open a drawer. She flung herself onto a counter, legs bare and crossed. She traced the clean clear skin, and tightly gripped a kitchen knife.

She breathed deeply, and prepared to dig the blade into her skin. She paused with the tip pressed to her. She grabbed her phone with the other hand. She held the knife and the cellular device as if she were weighing her options. And she was, she was about to choose between relapse and recovery.

She knew that she should call Ethan and not hurt herself. She believed that even if she relapsed Ethan would still love her. She wasn't sure though. And she wasn't sure what she wanted.