Hugs & Blows

Tv

Odette is laying on the couch watching crime docudrama televison and rubbing her stomach. There is a "jiffy cutter" in the drawer next to her couch. It is small and entirely made of metal, she likes it. A blade with a handle allows for more control, and in a way her self destruction is all about control. Being able to hurt herself and control how much she feels instead of waiting around for others to hurt her.

She hates the rubbery feel of her skin. It feels flabby to her, she wants to slice the edge of her belly and reach into her body. Pulling out fat by the fistful. She clenches her eyelids shut but the fantasy doesn't stop. She can feel the cold silver blade handle, she can feel blood pouring from the wound. Warm fat, rusty smells, she takes a deep breath and is jarred back to reality.

"This is what insanity feels like." She says to herself. She refuses to believe that normal people feel these things or think these thoughts. It's absurd. Maybe she's romanticizing whatever illness it is that she knows she has, that's just gone undiagnosed because she doesn't want to seek professional help.

She feels like she's just convincing herself that something is wrong. That she is just wrapped up in her own problems because she's disgusting and selfish, self centered around her self hatred. She wants to purge but she hasn't ingested anything aside from water.

She wishes she was at Tic Tac Joe's right now, because that would be a better distraction than tales of girls who were stalked and murdered by various men in their lives. But last time she was at work Drew seemed really agitated and bitched her out for only ever drinking coffee and complaining with a pen in her hand. He was right, so she hadn't been in for a while.

Odette has no idea how Lindsay makes any money. She is too chill a boss. Actually everyone loves the cafe and people are always ready to work the counters. Odette turned the televison on louder and wished she were dead. Then a knock on the door shattered her morbid reverie. She heard the doorknob twist and wondered who it was.