Thank you, Kelley

Chapter 4

Meghan's POV:

Let's start this by clearing a few things up. Yes I have PTSD and pretty extreme anxiety. Often when I have an attack I don't remember anything. Memories come flooding into my brain and there is nothing I can do to stop it. I generally don't know where I am or what's going on when they happen...

I come to in somebody's arms. They are whispering kind sweet things in my ear. It's so soothing. I have no idea where I am and who is holding me. At first I get scared thinking they are going to hurt me like everybody else always seems to. But then I hear her voice again.

"Shh it's ok. Breath nice and slow. In ... and out. That's it. You're ok. You're safe."

It's so calming and soothing. I try to match my breathing to hers just like she's saying. Wait why is this working? I have never been able to pull myself out of a panic attack. No one has ever been able to help me through one. But this person's hugs are so nice and strong. I feel so safe. Something I have rarely felt in the last couple of years.

After several minutes I am finally coherent enough to turn and acknowledge who's strong warm arms I am in and am met with the beautiful and kind face of Kelley O'Hara. Well shit. So much for making good impressions on my idols.

Many more minutes pass and she tries to ask me a couple of questions but I am unable to respond with more than just a few nods or head shakes. After an attack happens I often find myself unable to speak for a while after. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I can't get the words out. According to my therapist back home it's called selective mutism.

Kelley pulls me out of my thoughts again. "Hey it's ok. We don't have to talk now... I do think we should try to get you up and get back to the hotel. Jill was really worried about you. We all were. Do you think we can do that? Get back? My car is just a little ways back in the parking lot."

She helps me up and we make it back to her car. She brings me to the passenger side of the car and helps me climb in. As she removes her arm from around my shoulders I can feel my breath start to quicken again. Uhh I'm so needy. I can't even be alone for two seconds.

"Hey hey it's ok. I just have to go around to my side. I'll just be three seconds."

A muffled "You're ok." comes from her as she closes my door and runs around to the driver's side. As soon as she is in the car again she takes my hand in hers.

"See you're good. All safe."

Soon we make the 30 minute drive back to the hotel. How I made it this far on foot is beyond me but that's something to think about when I'm not so anxious and sleepy. Being this emotionally out of control is exhausting. I can see Kelley keeps glancing over at me making sure I'm all good.

Ok come on. Say something. It's ok. You're safe just like Kelley said.

" I- I'm ok." I stutter out.

She quickly turns her eyes towards me, "I'm glad to hear that," she says and I can tell she is being genuine.

----

We eventually made it back to the hotel. Kelley parks and then turns to me.

"We are gonna go in ok. I'll be there the whole time with you. Jill texted and said we can switch up rooms so that we are together if that makes you more comfortable. The team is super nice and we all care about you. Emily was being stupid and she feels really bad about what happened but you don't have to go near her if you don't want to. I'm here for you ok? It's all good. Whatever you need, consider it done." I can see lots of emotions running through her eyes. Truth, sadness, and a protective fire as well.