Thank you, Kelley

Chapter 12

Meghan's POV:

My stretch of not having too many panic attacks was soon ruined. We are just climbing into bed for the night and tomorrow morning will mark two days until our match against Australia. I fall asleep with thoughts about how the game will go and whether or not I will start. But soon my peaceful sleep is interrupted by memory's I wish would never come back up.

I hear the door of my girlfriend's apartment click open. Uhhh she's home. Now I have to deal with her. It was good at the beginning. But tonight is different.

She comes into the kitchen to find me. She stalks towards me across the small area. As she gets closer I can smell the alcohol on her. When she is drunk she gets really well um... horny. I can feel my breath start to quicken. How did she even get drunk? We are only in high school.

"Paige, please. I don't want to do this tonight." I plead with her but I can see by the fire in her eyes that she isn't getting the message. She moves even closer. With every step, I get more uncomfortable. Soon she has me pinned against the cabinets.

"Come on babe. Don't you love me?" As she says this her face is suddenly against me. Her lips ghost up and down the side of my neck.

"Come on baby I know you love this." She says again. I try to push her off of me. We used to be in love. Like real love. But something changed. Now she comes home every night already drunk. She forces me to do things I don't want to do and then hurts me if I don't agree.

She is a lot bigger than me and I can't seem to get her off of me.

"Stop. Leave me alone. I said I didn't want to!!" I say even louder. At this point, one of her hands is on my breast and the other is attempting to find its way past the waistband of my pants. I desperately fight to get her off of me.

"Baby I know you want me" She roughly grabs my small body and practically drags me to our bedroom. A place I used to love to spend the night is now my hell. She roughly throws me on the bed. She starts to undress. Soon she is completely naked. She now turns to me and rips my clothes off. My small bruised body now completely exposed. I can feel the tears running down my face.

"You're so pretty, baby. Let's have some fun, ya?"

No, I don't want to. She throws herself onto me and starts to put her hands in places I really don't want them to be. I feel so guilty as my body rewards her actions even though I try desperately not to.

Suddenly I am out of it. I look around the room frantically trying to remember my surroundings. I can barely breathe at this point. Where the hell am I? What just happened?

"Meg? You ok?" I hear a groggy Emily say.

Oh right. I'm not there anymore. I'm in DC. I still can't breathe. It was just a memory. Stop thinking about it. It was just a memory. I try desperately to slow my brain down. Suddenly, I feel bile rising in my throat.

I practically throw myself out of my bed in an attempt to make it to the bathroom in time. I barely make it as the familiar feeling of throwing up takes over.

"Hey, it's ok. You're alright," Em softly says as she pulls my hair away from my face.

"Go back to bed Em. I'm fine."

I puke again.

"Shh... it's ok. I'm not going anywhere. Breathe. You're ok. Shh... you need to calm down so you can breathe. There you go. You're ok." She comforts me while rubbing my back.

Once I finish I lean back against the tub and close my eyes. I can feel her move next to me and wrap her arm around my shoulders. I abandon all attempts at being stoic and snuggle into her. I can feel tears start to fall down my face.

"Shh, it's ok. Let it out. You're safe now." she softly whispers into my ear. And I do. I cry hard and she just holds me. I feel so broken. But being here with Emily makes it easier. I don't feel so alone and for me that is everything.

After I don't even know how long I finally have the courage to speak.

"Thank you" I whisper.

"You don't have to thank me, Meghan." We fall into a comfortable silence except for my hiccups in between tears. After a while, she speaks up.

"You think you're ready to get up? Try going back to bed? It is like 3 am." we both giggle at the last part.

"Ya..." She helps me up and we get me cleaned up a little. Then she leads me back to my bed and helps me lay down and pull the covers over my shoulders. She goes back to her bed and as she sits down on the edge making sure I don't need anything else I speak up.

"Em... can I ask you something?"

"Of course"

"Can you ... can you lay with me please." My voice cracks and I am disappointed in the desperation I can hear in it.

"I would love to." She says quietly. She moves back over to my bed and climbs in. She pulls me close to her so I can hear her heartbeat. I love the perfect rhythm that it makes. She holds me tight. I feel so safe.

"Thank you."

"Anytime" she states and I can hear a certain satisfaction in her voice. Is she enjoying this as much as I am? There are a few moments of silence before she speaks up again.

"Meghan?"

"Ya?"

"When are you going to let me in? When are you going to let me help you? I'm so worried about you." I can hear the sadness in her voice.

"Em... I'm so scared."

"Ok... what are you afraid of?"

"... I don't know. Of losing you maybe... Em, the last person I told hurt me. It was bad. She was just as bad as everyone else. I just don't want to get hurt again."

"Awww. Meg, I'm not going anywhere. No matter what happened to you I'm not going anywhere. I care about you so much. None of the people on this team will ever hurt you or treat you any differently. We are a big family. We just want to help you." she whispers to me. I can feel my heartbreak a little with this. I am causing these people pain by not letting them in.

"It's not that easy Em." At this point we both have tears sliding down our cheeks.

"I know. I know it's hard but Meghan it isn't just your life anymore... I don't mean to be harsh or make you feel bad but you are affecting us all. I know Kelley and I haven't gotten much sleep because we are worried. I mean here I am up in the middle of the night with you. And don't get me wrong I wouldn't trade this for the world because I love you but... You have to let us in. Please." She is practically begging at this point. ALSO, she just said she loved me! I know that it isn't in a romantic way but it still warms my heart.

She also makes a good point. I am being selfish by not letting them in. I am just causing more pain by not allowing them to help me.

"Ok..." I whisper.

"Ok, what?"

"I'll tell you and Kelley everything. Tomorrow. I'm sorry I have caused everybody so much pain. I just... I haven't had someone care about me in a long time." I finally agree. I'm too exhausted at this point to put up any more of a fight.

"Well, now you have me. And I am really happy you're going to let us in. Tomorrow we have the day off so we can have Kelly come over so you can tell us everything."

I can feel my anxiety rising. My rule has always been don't let anybody in. You let people in and you get hurt. But I am hurting them by not letting them in. I desperately hope that Emily is right and that everything will be ok.

She seems to read my increased anxiety and pulls me even closer to her. We lay in comfortable silence until we eventually fell asleep.