Thank you, Kelley

Chapter 43

Meghan's POV:

I make my way out of Leah's office and over to my car. As I climb in I just sit there. Tears fall from my eyes. Life is fucking hard. Just everything. Emotions spin around as I try to calm myself down enough to drive back to Kelley's.

I have been going to therapy 3 times a week since we got back from camp.

Camp was great. The girls won their match against Ireland too so that was good. But I miss Emily.

I have not been doing well. I have panic attacks basically every day. I don't sleep much because of the memories of my past. Over the last few days, I have started to remember what Greg did to me that night. Leah says this is natural as it is a part of healing and processing. But why does it have to get harder? I just wish I didn't have to deal with all this. It was bad enough going through the actual trauma but now I have to relive each thing.

I pull into the driveway and make my way inside.

"I'm home," I say to no one in particular.

"Hey! I'm in the living room!" I hear Kelley say. I drop my keys and wallet on the kitchen counter as I pass and make my way to the living room. I enter and see Kelley slouched on the couch watching some Netflix. I can see the sleepiness in her eyes and the dark bags under them don't help any. I hate that my problems have now become her's.

I have had a really rough time lately and Kelly is desperate to help. Every time I have a panic attack she's right there to hold me. She has been staying with me in my room so that she is there when I wake up. I feel bad. I know neither of us has had a full night of sleep in a week.

I curl up on the couch next to Kelley.

"Hey. How did it go?" she asks softly. This is what we do most days after I come home. I curl up on the couch with her, we talk for a bit and then we both fall asleep until Becky comes over and wakes us up to help her make dinner.

"It was good." I lie. I feel like every time I go I just get worse. I go and new memories pop up.

"It's ok if it wasn't" I look up to meet her eyes. We have a silent conversation. And she pulls me into her trying to comfort me.

"I'm sorry Kelley. That you have to do all this. I know you haven't slept properly in almost a week and I don't see any sign of this stopping. You practically have to watch me like a baby. I'm sorry."

"No don't be," she whispers kindly. "I knew what I signed up for when I adopted you. And yes it is hard right now but things are going to get better I promise. You are going to be ok." I just hum in acknowledgment.

"I don't know how to do this anymore Kelley. I can't take it. I'm so broken." I whisper barely audible. I don't want to say it but it's true. I don't know how to go on.

"Shhh... I know it's hard but it will be ok. You have so many people who care about you now so please promise you will try. Please." I can hear the desperation in her voice. I again hum in response.

We continue to talk for a while.

"Kelley... Leah and I were talking about service dogs today." I say looking to see what her reaction is going to be.

"Ya? What about them?" Her face remains neutral.

"Leah thinks I should get one. She thought it could be really helpful."

"Ok... You don't seem so sure."

"I..." I don't know how I feel about it. I want a dog but not like this. I just don't know. Apparently I paused too long.