What I Wish You Knew | ꪜ

Chapter Eleven

To Parker,

11. I wish you knew it was okay not to smile.

Hayley's POV

"How have you been holding up these past few days ever since the suspension, Hayley?" Doctor Maxine asked as I lowered myself down onto the couch. I laid my head on the cushion and stared up at the ceiling, tracing the painting above my head with my fingers.

"It's whatever Mrs. M. I kind of miss school, is that normal? For teenagers to miss doing school work?" I shuddered at the thought but couldn't deny that it was the truth. I've been home for four days so far and there's absolutely nothing to do other than eat, bathe, watch television and sleep.

"I mean I don't blame you, it was going to be your second week back to school so I would see why. Anyways, have you spoken to Landon recently?" I pursed my lips in a thin line as a response to her question and flickered my eyes shut. Landon? I haven't spoken to Landon ever since the fight. Well, he hasn't taken the initiative to come over to my house right next door to see if I'm okay.

After that outburst in the nurse's office, I'm not entirely sure what I expected. Of course, he wouldn't come to visit. I practically confessed my undying love for him. Sure he knows I like him but love? Why not just bury myself instead? At least then it would be worth it.

"I haven't spoken to Lan ever since the fight. And did I also tell you I professed my love to him? Yeah like my life couldn't have gotten any more complicated." The point of therapy is to voice your troubles out loud. The more I hold this anger in towards Landon, the more I'll resent him.

"When do you plan on making up with him?"

"When he breaks up with Vanessa."

Silence enveloped the room and after a few seconds, Doctor Maxine sighed and snapped her fingers, motioning for me to sit upright. I did so slowly, hating the stern look etched on her face. The woman was practically my mother so I knew that face, cue the lecture.

"Hayley, eventually you have to let this go. From my understanding, Landon will not break up with Vanessa no matter how many times you attempt to make them. You're intelligent, I know for a fact that you know holding onto this anger will get you nowhere but you do it because you can. Stop contributing to the tension in your friendship and be the bigger person.

If you're not ready to do that put your energy into something more positive like an extracurricular activity. Talking to me only goes a long way, channel that anger into something which can relieve your stress." She's right. I'm a hypocrite.

A few days ago I was criticizing Xenia for holding onto Parker when it's clear he does not want to be with her and here I am doing the same thing. If it gets to the point where you have to convince yourself and someone else to do something against their will, just let go.

"Penny for your thoughts? I mean that is why I'm here." Doctor Maxine exclaimed, snapping me out of my reverie.

"No Mrs. M, I'm good. And about that extracurricular activity thing, I do wanna take up cheerleading, although I doubt they'll let me onto the team after that fight with Vanessa. I don't know, maybe I'll try out for the chess club?" Her lips quirked in amusement.

"You won't survive it. Take my advice, try something more therapeutic if you don't make it on the cheer squad okay? It'll do you some good, ease your mind, relax your muscles and senses. Maybe try painting, it's really helpful."

Yeah if only I could actually paint.

The most I can paint is the freaking rainbow.

That says a lot about my skills.