What I Wish You Knew | ꪜ

Chapter Thirty Four

To Jenna,

34. I wish you knew I was rooting for you.

Hayley's POV

"I–I freaked out you know? The first thing I thought of was will I be able to love my future husband romantically? What if I never do? W–what if the most I could feel for him was platonic love? And then I stopped to think about it, this may have its downsides but at least I'm no longer sitting in the dark wondering what's wrong with me.

I beat myself up for weeks, trying to navigate my way through my conflicting feelings. I thought I wasn't normal, t–that something was wrong with me. I kept falling back into that mindset through the week, even in the car I said something is wrong with me but the next minute I don't think there's anything wrong with me.

I'm normal right? This is normal! I finally get a label that can validate my feelings. I have a name to what's been a mystery for all these months and I don't know how to feel. I cried I laughed, I smiled. I'm so bottled up with these mixed emotions they're going haywire."

She slumped down onto the bench and narrowed her eyes at the ground as her fingers fumbled with one another. I swallowed in every word she said, and I'm not an expert on sexual orientation so I can't tell her what to feel or do as if I understand her completely. But I will be here for her. I'll be the shoulder she can lean on and laugh, cry or scream.

"All I can tell you to do is to keep searching for yourself. Who knows how deeply your feelings are rooted? I'm sure you didn't find out everything there is to know about aromantics in just one week? Don't lose sight of who you are just because of one obstacle in your path.

Aromantic, asexual, bisexual, heterosexual, whatever the hell you identify as you're still Jenna freaking Taylor. The smartest, funniest and most beautiful girl I know and your sexuality doesn't change that. Learn to embrace yourself and who you truly are, and if your future husband loves you, he'll accept you too, but not before you accept yourself."

She peered up at me, her eyes suddenly flooded with tears as she leaned into my arms, hugging me tightly. "I do accept who I am, and you're right I'm gonna keep searching and trying to understand this part of me! It's not the end, rather the beginning. Thanks for listening Hayley."

I know that suddenly discovering a new part of yourself can be scary. All the possibilities that fell right behind it were truly horrifying but it could also be a relief. Because it sheds light on that dark corner of your mind you dared not to enter. It answered your deepest questions.

But for some, they'd rather the dark remain as it is. Because sometimes shedding light in an area you're not familiar with can result in dire repercussions. But for Jenna, I think this was the best thing. Wandering in a dark forest, hopeless and confused was something no one should go through.

The light at the end of the woods may not be all too pleasing, but at least you'll find a way to get out of the grasp of those cold branches holding you back in the crippling darkness.

I just hope she embraces the light.

In this world, especially in this century, if you can't accept yourself then others won't. It's the equivalent of having no respect for yourself, because of that you might allow other people to walk over you because you don't treat yourself the way you expect others to treat you.

If she can't accept who she is and walk down the streets with her head held high with confidence, others will look down on her as she does on herself. I'm no motivational speaker, I'm no expert, and I'm not trying to be. But I know a thing or two about dishing out what you want to receive.