What I Wish You Knew | ꪜ

Chapter Twenty Four

To Everyone,

24. I wish you knew how sorry I was.

Hayley's POV

"Hayley, I don't remember us having a session today." Doctor Maxine exclaimed as I slumped down onto the couch. I swung my legs over one side of the armrest and propped my head onto the opposite end so that I was laying flat against the sofa. "We don't. I just felt like stopping by." 

"What is it that you would like to talk about? I have some time before my next appointment." She said as she retrieved her notepad from the table. I lowered my hand down onto my face so that she wouldn't see the tears pricking at my eyes. "Something happened last night," I said. 

"What happened last night, Hayley?" She inquired. What happened last night? A lot of things happened. It's never selfish to think about yourself and your own well-being but I never took advantage of that fact. I've been on this destructive path where I constantly put myself in harm's way whilst also saying how I wanted to get better. 

I'm a hypocrite and that caught up to me last night. 

"I drank painkillers with my medication. I didn't eat before I left the house knowing that I had to cheer at the game and I was physically exhausted. I knew all of this and yet still I did nothing about it and I drained my body even more by cheering when I could have stayed home or eaten o-or anything. Because of all of this I fainted and then when I woke up I was in my bed.

My brother was there, Landon and Jenna were there as well. I spoke to both of them but that doesn't matter right now. What matters is what happened after," I began and she nodded her head as she began to jot down onto her notepad. Never have I questioned what she's writing down in there until now: until I realized, finally, I was talking about something that truly mattered.

Every time I came here for the past three years I've never had a serious conversation with Doctor Maxine. I deliberately stray away from the topic of my parents and spoke about any and everything that was irrelevant: Landon, Jenna and or anything useless that has occurred in my life.

And yet still Doctor Maxine always stuck by me. She never recommended that I find another psychiatrist. She just waited patiently until I was ready to open up. And that's what I loved about her, she persuaded me to talk about things that mattered but never really pressured me.

That way I could ease into it when I knew the time was right. Like right now, I needed to accept the fact that this isn't a session with Jenna where I gossip. This is counselling, the real thing. "Hayley, what happened after?" She asked, snapping me out of my thoughts. I sat upright and clasped my hands together tightly as my palms began to sweat. 

"I knew Drayton was mad so I went downstairs to talk to him. But when I tried to get him to speak to me he lashed out and said some things. . ." I whispered, my eyes once again brimming with tears. The room fell into silence and as I inhaled deeply, I could no longer hide the tears that trickled down my cheeks. 

"Drayton basically said–w-well I read between the lines–he said that I don't care about him because I don't care about myself. He told me that I didn't care about him because he lost his mother and both his fathers as well and I don't take care of myself which means if he loses me he has no one else.

He said that I take my medication for a joke, my counselling. . .my life and that I shouldn't worry about things that have nothing to do with me. A-and I think he meant the situation with my parents. He's saying that my mom walking out and my dad killing himself has nothing to do with me, yet I'm making it destroy my life.