What I Wish You Knew | ꪜ

Chapter Twenty Two

To Everyone,

22. I wish you knew I wanted the darkness to take me and never let me go.

Hayley's POV

As I stared down at my prescription, the nagging urge to dump the entire bottle into the toilet was biting at my flesh. I have a habit of stopping my medication when I think it no longer influences my mental state, but only for the sake of my relationship with Drayton and Doctor Maxine I won't do so. 

Plus, withdrawals aren't a walk in the park. I take the risk of going through it because I know somewhere out there, there's a better way for me to start healing. Anti-depressants do nothing but make me emotionally numb. For the past few days, I've been so mentally exhausted, all I want to do is sleep through the day until I find the strength within me to get up. 

With counselling, anger management classes, school, getting another panic attack and being reminded of my father's gift which was highlighted by Parker. . .I just feel tired. Today I have to cheer in front of hundreds of students both from my school and our opposing team. What happens if I take these pills? Wouldn't they worsen my headache?

Can't I just skip for one day? 

No, Drayton counts them, he'll know I skipped. I have no choice but to take it. Sighing deeply, I unscrewed the cap and dumped two pills into my mouth. I hate to admit it but when I stop taking my pills it does scare me. What I'm afraid of the most is no longer having something to lean onto emotionally.

If the only thing keeping me somewhat stable is snatched from my grasp I'll fall. I'm afraid of falling and never getting back up. But sometimes I wonder if falling is the best choice. . .that way I'll no longer be in this constant state of mental misery. 

I broke out of my state of thoughts and retrieved a bottle of painkillers from the cupboard for my pounding headache. I know taking these may be a risk, I'm not exactly sure what that risk is but I can't stand the pain splitting through my head. 

I'm not sure if it was the fact that I haven't eaten but there was a huge pit in my stomach that crippled me to the point where I could barely stand on my own two feet. However, this didn't feel like it was just simply gas. 

Why do I feel scared? 

~ ~ ~

"Hay Bear!" I squealed as Parker approached my locker excitedly. He looked like he couldn't contain the excitement bubbling through him and despite my dampened mood I couldn't help but smile. I realized now that before Parker and I became friends I was just emotionally blunt which is a side effect of taking anti-depressants for too long.

I hated that I could no longer feel excited to a certain degree, nor sad, nor angry. I was just stuck in a grey area. The only times where I felt normal were when I stopped taking my meds and that was not an option. However, for the past few days, despite remaining on my same prescription I no longer feel this way. 

I no longer feel numb.

"Are you ready?" 

"I'm just cheering, you're the one actually playing the game so I should be asking you are you ready?" I asked and he smirked before leaning down so that his face hovered directly over mine.

"You know, hearing the girls cheer never really motivates me when playing. But I'm betting that you'd have a different impact on me," I can't tell if Parker is teasing me on purpose or if flirting bluntly is something he does regularly. How can he say those things with a straight face?