The Diary Of a Gopika

Straight Out of a Dream

That night, I was tossing & turning on my bed struggling to fall asleep. Certain restlessness has been haunting me for the past few days. I wasn't able to figure out what made me feel so. Is it the news that the great war of Kurukshetra has begun? Or the fact that these are gonna be the toughest days of your life? Or is something actually bothering you — that's bothering me in return?

As I turned around the other side of my bed, there I saw YOU — leaning against a pillar with your legs & arms crossed. Did I imagine you again? This time even if it's my imagination, I still wanted to have a conversation with you.

"Kaanha, is that you?", I called out, not expecting a reply obviously.

You looked at me, seeming like wanting to have a conversation too. But what troubled me the most is that not so familiar pain in your eyes that I never wanted to witness.

"Can I get some maakhan?" is the first thing you spoke, this time in a very dim tone.

Maakhan? Just a little maakhan? Ask my whole existence and I will write it in your name the very next second but in return, just tell me what's bothering you, my love - I babbled in my head.

I don't know why I cannot gather the courage to say these things on your face, even when a part of me believes I'm imagining you. I fear you will laugh it off or quote it as cheesy outwardly, though I know you embrace it with all your heart.

"You can have all of it & ask for more but what is it that's bothering you, Kaanha? I'm sure you wouldn't mind sharing it with me. We might be on different sides of the world right now but I am still that friend of yours' who keeps all your secrets in places where no one can ever enter." I said, handing over a bowl of sweet maakhan.

"Ahh!" you sighed, as soon as you took the first bite. " There's some real magic in Vrindavan's matki ka maakhan that cannot be found even in Vaikuntha! ", you added while licking your fingers.

" Ughh! Your obsession with maakhan is unreal! Can you for once stop these butter talks and tell me what's bothering you? " I yelled, pulling you closer.

" Haha! Don't expect any such answers from me. I have only come here to remove the heat of the war from my head with this sweet maakhan. I was right, it helps!! ", you chuckled, enjoying every bit of it.

"Yaar, please!", I cried, taking your right hand & placing it on my head. I was just unable to stand the flash of the pain I saw in your eyes just a while back.

" OKAY! THIS WAR — its just getting too much for me. It seems like I'm the one who's killing & also the one who's being killed. I only find reflection of my own self on both sides of the field. All those arrows released from Arjun's bow, upon my instructions of course, are actually piercing through my heart before reaching the destined. At the end of the day, all of them are my own children, right?? But what do I do? It's high time I offer peace to their infected lives that are beyond repair now, and help them reach better places because their existence is polluting this earth. This was never a concept of mere revenge for me, it's a process of purification — of both the earth & the evil. The earth needs mukti from evil & the souls of evil need mukti from these corrupted bodies & minds to attain moksha. In fact, I'm indirectly blessing everyone there; it's just that I'm doing it in different ways for different people — by rescuing some & releasing some. I'm turning the pages, not burning the book. I wish they get to see this bigger vision. I JUST WISH!!! "

Firstly, in all these years I've known you, you never sounded this low. I couldn't gather any words that can comfort you, other than taking your hands in mine and letting you know that I'm listening & absorbing all your pain right into my veins.

Why does my man have to go through all this?? And that too alone? Despite giving his all to the welfare of mankind, all he gets in return is aarops & shraaps? Such an ungrateful universe! This world doesn't deserve my Kaanha! I wish I could protect the one who's protecting the whole world — I thought, clenching my fist.

"I feel so helpless, Kaanha! My heart is raging, my blood is boiling & my soul is wailing. Look at me, despite having mountains of love for you, all I can do is sit & cry. I can't even help you fight this war & share all the wrath you're going to face post this. What is the purpose of this useless life anyways!?", I broke in your arms.

Cupping my face & holding me closer, you gently spoke -

" Priye, if everyone starts picking up weapons, whom are we going to fight this war for? You all represent that beautiful side of the world that is worth protecting. You know at times, after drinking the bad's blood, Sudarshana just doesn't calm down. You won't believe it but even I myself find it difficult to bring its rage down sometimes. Only then, I close my eyes & remember all your beautiful faces — Maiyya's, Radhey's, Baba's, every Gopa's & Gopi's — that includes you as well. Trust me, I do! Even amidst those disturbing scenes, screams & cries, I experience an indescribable beam of peace. Not just me, but that somehow calms my Sudarshana as well. MAGIC YOU GUYS ARE! Your niswartha prema is a balm to even paramatma's pain. Even the God on whom this whole universe depends on, solely depends on your love. You guys are my home — a place I'll always come back to —when tired, lost or confused. Because more than being worshipped as a God, I love being pampered as a human. So darling, you don't fight wars, you are the reward of every war that's ever fought. Please stay like this forever!", you spoke — this probably being the most beautiful music I ever heard.

I WAS NOT IN A STATE TO UTTER A WORD FURTHER AND YOU KNOW THAT. WHAT COULD I EVEN SAY AS A RESPONSE TO SUCH HEARTFELT CONFESSION? YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU JUST DID TO MY POOR HEART! YOU JUST DON'T!!

" Oh hello! Wake up! I just meant to say - do not expect any such sweet words from me. Okay? ", you said, snapping your fingers before my eyes & shaking my frozen body.

" Ohh the irony! I'm the one who needs to be consoled, but look at madam making it all about herself. Also, stop overreacting! I'm doing super cool as always and only came here to gulp my favourite maakhan. And yeah, it tastes yum! Thank you!! ", you laughed it all out as if nothing happened, while tousling my hair playfully.

I don't know how much time I stood there, in that state, unable to operate with my overwhelmed self. When I came back to senses, you were not anywhere to be found. Everything was just like it was before you entered.

But, THERE WAS AN EMPTY BOWL IN MY HANDS, THAT HAD TRACES OF FINISHED MAAKHAN.

Hey Narayan! You pay such teasing visits to my place late at night, say such things, and then leave me in a state where I blush & cry at the same time. Not fair, okay!?

Radhey radhey!