Guddan and Akshat - Made for Each Other

Chapter 39 - The Birthday - Part 1

Akshat is standing near the entrance of Jindal Bhavan, silently looking at two sets of palm-prints are side by side on the wall - one barely visible (Antara's) and the other as vibrant as it could be (Guddan's).

Savitri Devi (patting Akshat's shoulder) - Kya soch raha hai?

Akshat - Yahi ki waqt ne Antara ko iss ghar se dur kar diya, aur ab wahi waqt ke uske nishaan ka wajood bhi mita raha hai.

Savitri Devi - Samay ke baar se kya bach paya hai lalla. Badlaav toh prakriti ka niyam hai.

Akshat (sad smile) - Par mere liye toh samay beeta hi nahi Maa, aaj bhi wahin thehra hai, saalon pehle, Antara ke saath. (and he starts to walk towards his room upstairs, before Savitri Devi could say anything further)

Guddan had listened to this conversation, standing at a distance, and decides to do something. She takes vermilion and starts to fill in the colours in Antara's palm-print that time had forced to fade away.

Lakshmi (hurriedly stepping towards Guddan) - Aare Saasumaa, yeh kya kar rahi hain aap?

Guddan (smiling, continuing colouring) - Ruki hui yaadein pheeki pad jaati hain Lakshmiji. Unn yaadon mein agar samay samay par rang bhar diye jaayen, toh woh kabhi pheeke nahin padte.

Lakshmi (worriedly) - Maana ki AJ aapki kuch baatein sunne lage hai, par iss baat ke liye woh hungama kar denge................

Guddan - Koi hungama nahi hoga, bharosa rakhiye humpar. Aur agar kuch kaha unhone toh hum sambhal lenge, aap chinta mat kijiye.

Unbeknownst to them, Akshat had witnessed everything from the balcony of his room. He smiles seeing Antara's palm-prints come to life again. At the same time, he was filled with awe, witnessing Guddan sincere and innocent deed. Suddenly, he felt something heavy in his chest, an unknown sense of unease grasped him, and he quickly climbed up the stairs towards the roof. It was not the first time, and it surely wasn't going to be last, he knew. His struggles only increased as days went by.

It had started on that very day, the day of Makar Sankranti, that day he decided to be his old self, to open up with his family, as he used to, years ago. And with that opened the floodgates of memories, that he had tightly sealed for years. It brought up memories, every now and then. He tried to process them in his own way, miserably failing many-a-times.

Everything was fine, on the surface, of course, everyone in the family was glad and full of joy having their old Akshat back, but only he knew what he was going through. Everyone in his family was over the moon that he was or atleast was trying to be his old self - more talkative and smiling, less strict and grave. But all that came at a cost, a cost he was unwilling to pay all these years, reopening himself to Antara's memories every single moment he breathed - every moment he had spent with her came alive, the more he interacted with his family. It reminded him over and over of her absence.

It's not that he had ever forgotten her, no, never, he could never do that. But he tried to distance himself from living life as a whole, so that he would feel less. He had immersed himself in work all the time so that he would neither have the time or the energy left to feel anything. Yes, Antara was always there with him, as a unfading memory, but he rarely ever indulged in that memory, trying to remain occupied and detached in every possible way. The truth was that he never really accepted that she was gone. And that realisation was unbearable for him, even after all these years.

The time he was spending with his family now, he was happy in those moments, of course, freely talking again with his sons, sharing their joys and sorrows. But those moments brought back memories, memories of similar incidents in past which differed from the present in only one way, that now Antara was gone. And in that moment of realisation, what he felt, that deep dark vacuum, that emptiness he felt in his chest, it was killing him. But he decided to be strong, for he had promised himself that he wouldn't punish his family anymore. It was his inability to process his pain that was causing his suffering and that his family would pay no more.