In The Mind of a Zulu Wife

Chapter 9

Its been 2 months since his accident, and he now fine but we are not fine, I feel like he has been purposely trying his best to avoid me, things have been awkward since that visit to the healer and I honestly don't know what's wrong, is the idea of marriage scaring him? I want to talk to him about that but every time I bring it up he tries his best to avoid it. He has been travelling more often now and the phone-calls have gotten shorter, texting is a thing of the past I now feel like I am forcing things maybe I should set both of us free, even though I don't know the real reason why he would pull away from me like that. " You need to know the tax implications of deferred payments in order to do well in the test, and oh work on your discussion questions they will come in handy." Says a lecturer. Academically I have been struggling here and there I am not at my best and I know that I am a bit distracted, I am not proud of the results I am getting and I need to get my act together. I have to break things off with him so I can stop worrying why he is rejecting me. He is back in town so I am going to his apartment to get closure. Oh I am graduating next on Friday and today it's a Monday, so I have to run errands to get my suit and confirm with my make up , nail, and hair lady, I am so excited about that, I can't wait to see my parents faces when they call my name on stage.

The lecture is done its still so early in the morning its about 11 am. I don't care much about that, I take the school bus that will leave me in a campus close to his place, after getting off the bus I walk for a good 15 minutes. And his car is here, he bought a new car and its nicer than the one he owned before the accident, he bought a jeep Cherokee, all black it looks great and powerful. I walk to his apartment and open the door there is loud music playing and it smells like someone is cooking in the kitchen I am assuming that's him and I was right I walk to the kitchen when I notice a girl in just panties and a large t-shirt sitting at the table top and they look great together. I try to see if I recognize her and nothing, I feel a sharp pain in my heart, I feel like I am suffocating. 

They kiss as I walk towards them, they look happy, his smile reaches his eyes after their shared kiss, this is the smile that I fell for that he is now sharing with someone else other than me. I feel disgusted and a nasty feeling rushing towards me, now that my friends is jealously, I look at the girl and she has an amazing curvy body, its slim but curvy. She is gorgeous, she has a beautiful smile. I clear my throat and they both look at me, I see fear, regret, and sadness in his eyes as he sees me. "Hi I am so sorry to disturb you, I didn't know you had a guest, but I need to talk to you its an emergency." I say looking at him, then smiling at the beautiful lady in front of me. He walks with me outside and when we get to his car he opens the door for me I get in and we sit there in silence. 

He clears his throat, "Um what did you want to talk about?" He asks me without looking at me. "I see you have a new girlfriend without breaking up with me officially, but I didn't ask you here talk about that, I am graduating on Friday I would like to know if you are still coming or not, should I give your seat to someone else?" I ask looking straight in his eyes. I know I didn't come here to talk about seats, or any of that. I wanted to know where we are standing in our relationship, but I got the answer when I saw him with her. "Oh umm congratulations by the way, I don't think I am coming so its best you give my ticket to someone else." He says. The words that just came of his mouth stabbed my heart so sharply, I felt tears rushing to my eyes. I am not about to cry in front of him. He promised to come and see me on my graduation day but here he is not coming to my big day.  Wow this is painful, he is supposed to scream that's my wife, but its not going to happen I guess. 

"Oh okay, So I guess this is goodbye when can I get my things? And these are your keys." I say with my voice breaking, I feel a lump forming in my throat, my eyes are now teary, tears threatening to fall. I look away and the weather seems to have changed and it looks like its about to rain. I am heart broken, but I cant let him see that. I came here for closure and this is the closure I get. I clear my throat again to avoid it bursting out to me crying. "Oh uh for your things wait here let me fetch them for you." He says still avoiding looking at me. He runs to the apartment and returns with a box. So he has been waiting for this to happen, I bet he couldn't even wait. " he get in and places my things in the boot and offers to drive me to res. All the memories of us keep replaying in my mind. "Why? Why are you doing this? What did I do wrong?" I ask without thinking, I want to know honestly. 

He stops the car and its raining like thunder and all. I am now looking at him, he looks at me sadly, and with regret, and something I cant read in his eyes. "Look I love you okay, I do but you and me, cant ever work, I don't want to be with you because I feel obliged to be with you, that bull about my ancestors choosing you for me, brings a lot of burden and pressure in my life, you would expect me to marry you, my family would expect that because the ancestors said so. I cant do that I am so sorry. I want to marry because I feel I am ready not because I am expected to and being with you brings that pressure, and knowing my family they will force us to get married because our ancestors want us to, and I don't want that for us. I want us to marry because we love each other and we are both ready for a commitment, without any pressure I am so sorry, I think its best we see other people and if it works out we will be together again." He says not looking at me avoiding eye contact. 

"I understand I do, but you could have told me instead of letting me figure things out on my own wondering what's wrong with me. You could have told me." I say. I am hurt that he didn't want to be with me anymore, but I feel relieved. I guess this is the closure I wanted. I smile at him. " That's a beautiful woman you have got, I hope she takes care of you, and you love her right." It was hard getting those words out of my mouth, but I am glad I did. He smiles back at me and starts the car. "I know I should have told you, and I am sorry." He says. This has not been easy. We get to res and he looks at me once more "So this is it, goodbye I wish you well in all your future endeavors." He says to me with a sad small smile. That was mature the most mature break up I have had. Who am I fooling its my first breakup.

Graduation day

I look fly, today my make up is natural glam, and I am wearing a Navy blue power suit, that is tailored for my body, so it hugs the right places on my body. I feel great, and I look great. I am happy to be here its been a long journey that is still continuing. I walk to the stage with pride and I see my family celebrating and calling out my clan names praising me, clapping for me, I see my mom is teary and alongside my dad who looks like he is holding it in. My brother with a huge smile and my baby sister clapping. They didn't make me a party but they organized dinner, which I appreciated. This day was wonderful and I am grateful to God. This was a wonderful day, but something was missing. I had imagined how this day would look, it was beautiful but there was a missing piece in all this. I will be fine I have to be okay. I must be okay, I cant go on like this today is my big day let me forget Siya. I am not the first person to go through break up.