In The Mind of a Zulu Wife

Chapter 21

It look at myself in the mirror so much has changed, I have changed I don't like the person I am seeing in the mirror right now, I see my belly is huge and my boobs are not what they used to be. I have never had a nice body or anything. I can say my body grew up faster than any of my mates

*******Flashback********.

I was 9 in grade 4 when I first had my period I already had boobs showing and I had to wear a sports bra when I was playing with my mates, I remember when I was playing I suddenly experienced sharp pains from my tummy, I thought I had a tummy ache or something I rushed to the toilet and while I was sitting I noticed that my panties had blood. I was worried how was I going to explain to my mom that I had blood on my panties I tried to think long and hard as to when did I engage with boys in an inappropriate manner, nothing came to mind. There was a misconception that blood comes out of your lady parts if you slept with a boy or you engaged in sexual relations with a boy blood will come out of your vagina. This was a misconception that we shared as kids, I honestly I don't remember where we got such information.

I was terrified, I went straight to my room that day. I was worried about going to school the next day. How was I going to cope, I had hoped it would stop immediately that by the time I had woken it would be gone. I had to lie to my mom that I was not feeling well. So she let me sleep early that day, I don't even remember when I fell asleep I remember my brother coming to my room to wake me up and when I looked at my bed the was no blood I was relieved, but when I was bathing the blood had already dried on my panties and some was still coming out when I bathed I was convinced I was dying but that still didn't stop me from going to school. I stole a roll of tissue when I was going to school I put a lot of it on my panties and took the rest to school. I remember I didn't play that day because I told them I was sick. So I was out early and my mom picked me up from school and when we got home she poured water for me and said I should bath I was hesitant to taking of my panties to bath in front of her, I eventually did I expected her to shout at me or something she didn't instead she then told me about why it was happening, but with African parents they don't say the whole thing because that would be enabling you to have 'sex'. I was still a child when I had my period, my mom was scared to death as to why it happened so early in my life.

I honestly still ask myself why did I have to have a matured body at a young age, growing up as a teenager I made sure that I always dressed in baggy clothes to shield myself from the older men who would ask me out because my body looked like a 'grown' woman's body. By the age of 15 I was already a 36 D with a bra and I didn't think I was pretty or beautiful or anything so I buried myself in my books because I noticed then that looks wont do anything for me because they were non existent. I looked like an old woman with 3 kids at the age of 15, my boobs were already saggy by then , being overweight didn't help with my already low self-esteem I kept asking myself why did God give me such a body, I had all the flaws that everyone hated in themselves. When my friends would complain about having gained weight, gloat about how their breast looked and when we had camps or something similar they didn't have to worry much about changing in front of everyone was no issue for them. I was always ashamed of my body, I don't remember ever changing in front of everyone.

I would cry each night about how I looked, I kept asking God why did he make me to have saggy boobs, stretchmarks, etc.. at a young age. To make matters when I was exposed to social media and each time I opened my social media I was reminded of how ugly I was, and I then was exposed to porn, I then started noticing that it wasn't an illusion that I was ugly, I was actually ugly all the girls looked in porn videos had small petite bodies, if not they were that type of pear shaped, coca cola bottle shaped curvy ladies, they had even skin tone in their bodies, I hated myself even more because I started searching for someone who looked like me I found no one nothing.