Don't let me go | HEROPHINE

Chapter 4

Josephine's pov:
'I want kids!' I blurt out, mentally cursing at myself for being so forward about it. I should've eased into this conversation.
'Jo, we literally got married yesterday.'
'I know, I know. This is stupid I'm sorry' I rush my words, feeling the anxiety build inside me. Everything is going so well, why did I have to ruin it. 'No, no baby you're not being stupid.' He says calmly.

Hero's pov:
'I do wants kids with you.. of course I do. It just seems so.. soon.' I scratch the back of my neck, struggling to find the right words. I've always thought about having kids with Jo. It just seems a little sudden of her to bring it up. 'One major life decision at a time, honey.' I smirk, trying to lighten the mood a little but fail. She just frowns and avoids eye contact.
'I didn't mean to upset you.' I attempt to get her attention.
'I know.' Is all she says in response. It occurs to me that the ocean surrounding the Maldives probably isn't the best place to have this kind of conversation. I'd kind of forgotten where we were. I begin to walk towards the shore as the water gradually becomes more shallow. She stays wrapped in my arms as I carry her onto the beach and then she swings down to her feet to walk herself. When we get back to our towels I sit down and pat the space next to me, but instead of joining me on the sand, she walks straight past towards the cabin. 'Babe,' I try but she interrupts me, 'I just need a minute.' And then she's gone. Shit. Did I really offend her that much? The last thing I want to do is make her think I don't want kids. Of course I do, and I think that deep down she knows that. I guess I could've had a better reaction. But, I can't help but worry I'm not ready to be a father. I didn't even think I wanted children until I met Jo and imagined us being parents together. Even the word Dad makes me a little queasy inside. What if I'm a shitty Dad. What if I can't give a child the life it deserves. What if me and Jo have problems in our relationship.. well, our marriage. I just want to make sure everything is running smoothly for at least another year or so before we try for a baby. I guess Josephine didn't mean start trying right away. Don't get me wrong, she'd be the best freaking Mum a child could wish for. But, maybe just not yet. I start panicking that she's hurt from the way I reacted. Half of me wants to give her space while the other wants to apologise for how I acted and tell her I'm ready to start a family whenever she is. But, that wouldn't be the truth. I wouldn't be ready right now, I wouldn't be ready in a month, maybe not even in a year. All I know is, when I am ready, I'll tell her right away. I just hope she's willing to wait, until I've figured this all out- until I train myself to believe I could be a good father. Bringing lives into the world is a big decision; I have to be 100% sure and confident. I rise to my feet and bundle up the towels under my arm. I stride over to the cabin and take a deep breath before opening the door slowly.

Josephine's pov:
I feel a wave of anxiety crash down over my head when he appears in the doorway. It's like my body is slowly filling with water and I can't stop it. I gulp down the nerves and bring my eyes up to meet his. 'I'm sorry.' We say simultaneously. I can't help but smile weakly at the humour of this intense situation. We clearly are thinking too far into this.
'I'll go first.' He says, drawing in a deep breath before sitting down on the bed next to me.
'You know what I want more than anything is to give you a family.' He begins, staring directly into my eyes and speaking with great sincerity.
'I just don't think we need to rush things, you know?'
I nod slowly, taking in his words and starting to see myself as even more of an idiot for bringing this up literally the day after he married me.
'We've just gotten married, and truth be told I'm still anxious about messing something up between us. And if that happens, I don't want to mess up a child's life too.'
Tears brim in my eyes; it makes me so sad to hear his darkest thoughts. He's never done anything wrong in this relationship, and he's thinking about the risk of him ruining it. He could never change the way I feel about him.
But, I do understand his fears about becoming a Dad. It's all a lot to think about, especially when I just said it out of nowhere and at completely the wrong time. I see that now. God Jo, you're stupid. 'Yeah I understand.' I choke out, 'this was my fault, I don't even know why I said it.' I let out a forced, awkward laugh and nervously rest my head on his shoulder.
'And for the record, you have nothing to worry about.. concerning us.' I tell him, honesty visible in my eyes. 'I know, baby.' He smiles, wiping under his eye before a tear can escape it. He's always refused to cry in front of me.
'And for the record, you'll be an amazing father.. some day.' I say, kissing him on the cheek.
'I think when the time is right, we'll know.' He replies, wrapping an arm around my back and pulling me closer to him. We turn to face each other and he presses his lips against mine, and I feel the events of the last hour dissolve under the feeling of his kiss. I'm so glad we have this ability- the ability to talk through misunderstandings like this. I'm just happy we're now on the same page about this whole 'having kids' thing.