Finding Zen (With BTS' JIMIN)

8. Time Isn't The Universal Antidote

HER

Life would go on as it did. Even after all these years that had just gone by. Just happened to be all around her. Zen had developed a new routine. She would plan to journal every day with hopes of it clearing off the pain. In the end, all she would do was her opening up her journal, but getting stuck at those pages in the back of it. All her detailed vivid writings and tiny doodles with some scribbled thoughts of hers trapped in.

The ribbon book mark still twirled out through the first page because after a lot of re-reading the same long entry for a while she would collapse into a heap on the bed with all her pillows, sighing repeatedly in frustration.

She really thought once would be more than enough. She felt and knew she didn't deserve even that once, but she really believed that it would just be fine as a 'one time only' kind of thing.

Maybe it was still supposed to be more than needed, but impossible to accept. The conflict of her mind and heart, but with rationale retreating to the corner in presence of her emotions.

Nothing but her feelings to prove it, but no matter if it looked like fact or fiction, she knew it happened and that she couldn't walk away.

She tried quite often to get up and dust it off like she thought celebrities did - unless it traumatized them to not be able to. She would tell herself he probably has forgotten that a girl met him twice outside of fan concentrated places and tried to survive - but still ended up saying her name.

He has moved on... for sure...

He's met millions like this... I mean... all the concerts... fansigns...

Gosh he has a life and mine... nothing... a career that is drowning, but I have to push to earn for all that I had to give in... its...

I'm overwhelmed while he is living an amazing life...

Yet she stayed, frustrated, until exhaustion pulled her deep into another dreamless sleep - as has been most of her nights, but for some sudden dream filled nights that never fail to surprise her.

HIM

Just like it was for her, who had no one around in her close circle, he reserved the frustration for moments when no one was around. He made sure at least Taehyung and Hoseok weren't around as those were the hardest to avoid, but he tried to avoid them all especially when Yoongi could pretty easily sense it out of anyone - he even can see Hoseok's feelings inside, and he just never stops smiling and that's a really good tactic to hide emotions.

It was another sleepless night as he sat by the window and used the moonlight to write down. It had been Yoongi who had made him just write down everything instead of directly trying to make it into song lyrics. Even Namjoon had agreed that it was making it easier to write when they could understand the whole emotion rather than with a concept like they had done with 'Promise'.

He flipped between the book he was writing in and his journal of sorts. The only entry on was at the back and he had made it as eccentric as possible in an attempt to put all his emotions out, but nope. Nothing changed. If not, his emotions intensified. It was hard to look at it, but to choose what he wanted to write into songs from that was an extraordinarily intensive and gruelling task and he would barely catch himself in time before he groaned or yelled out in frustration and woke his roommate up.

It had been a few years already, but in him something had shifted. That one mysterious girl had had him at a loss.

He lay back down, facing the ceiling, preparing for yet another sleepless night. He hummed a tune out subconsciously and sat up, making a note of it in his phone before laying back down.

It had been confusing him even through the time he spent in the military. Sometimes overwhelming him so much that he wouldn't be good enough in their exercises that day and his troop mates would always be extremely concerned about him. He had told them he just suddenly missed the others.

Her... why...

I don't think I'm getting out of this loop...

Why... she has probably forgotten all this herself...

She probably doesn't have a lot of moments that make her want to let go...

Gosh... I don't think I have genuine friends...

Should I tell Taehyung...

He ran his hands through his hair roughly and lay back down once more. He sighed, trying to shake it all of and tossed about quite a bit.

Hoseok stirred and sat up, concerned and walked over to his roommate who was actually only pretending to be asleep, but seeing the sweat beading across his forehead actually from stress, the older male went to get water.

He placed cold water on the table and pet his head, making the younger male sit up.

"You okay...? You haven't been resting well of late..."

"I... Just don't know... it's not you guys..."

"It's been like this for years now... I want you to say it out whenever you're ready... I really don't want to push for it... but... we're concerned... Even the company now... they ask Tae a lot about it..."

"No it's not Tae... it's... just all in my head..."

"It's okay... Take your time... and if you do really like want a break... or... like... if... you want like... professional help... let me know... or even if..."

Hoseok gave him a strong hug which he reciprocated in a bit.

"Thank you..."

The older male smiled and sat on his bed, holding out the bottle of water for him, which he gladly took and chugged down.

"Just don't go about hurting yourself pverworking or drinking..."

He nods silently because it was obvious that he didn't deal with stress well. He lay back down after Hoseok lay back down on hos bed.

"Don't try to stay up, okay?"

"Okay."

He forced his eyes shut, but couldn't force his thoughts away. Within an hour though he had fallen asleep from all the pent up emotions and exhaustion that when Hoseok got up for some water, he was fast asleep.

The older male made sure he was covered up well and still fast asleep as he walked to the kitchen to get himself some water.

I am back!

Can we just keep this teeny moment of a pause I took from publishing like it was meant to show time passing...

I had been making drafts even then, but when someone told me to stop and focus on a book I was ending and to return to this after it got reads... I kinda took it... they have like 90K+ reads... and I don't even have 90 for this book :")
I'm writing this on 20200728 though... the day this chapter came out...

I came back coz most others said I should just ignore the reads and write and so I decided to leave a note and soon got back to publishing my made drafts!

If I ever pause again, it's to EMPHASISE the timeline... I'mma credit the time that passes between the huge events~~~