Remember Me This Way

Chapter Eight

"When are you going to tell everyone?"

Nick sighed; they'd been out all night, simply talking. Both coming to grips with the reality placed before them. After Nick said it, they initially tried to avoid the topic once they both calmed down. But when early morning came to greet them, they came back full circle to the reason Nick had called Kevin for a one on one to begin with. Even though he hadn't planned to tell him, some part of him had wanted to since he first received the news himself. And in all honestly, it'd been the release he'd so desperately needed. The therapist had been right, not that he'd ever admit that to her anytime soon, if ever.

"I don't know...when I need help I guess. When I can't function myself." He shoved his hands idly in his pockets, glancing up at the pink tinged sky.

"Any idea when that'll happen?"

"Five, ten years. If I'm hella lucky, maybe longer. " Nick glanced away, biting his lip. "Right now it's at little shit, forgetting lyrics sometimes, or where I put stuff."

Kevin raised a brow. "You're forgetting lyrics?"

"Only the new stuff, I have to work harder on getting it to stick. That's what made me go to the doctor's in the first place. Our...Early Show fiasco, I blanked on the lyrics."

"I can see why that would scare you..." Kevin eyed him, taking in the cast he was forced to wear for another week or so. "What accident caused the arm?"

Nick smirked a bit, trying not to laugh. "I got mad and my car window walked into the line of fire."

"Nick-"

"I was angry, really angry. Can you blame me? I'm just lucky it was a car that pissed me off, and not a person."

Kevin simply nodded, his arm around Nick shoulders as they continued to walk. The sun was beginning to peek over the horizon, giving a golden rod along the New York City skyline. He glanced above at the fading stars, being reminded once more that that was exactly what he was. A fading star in the coming light. It was then he wished for what he knew had to be the millionth time, that it was Kevin who was his father. How different would his life had been if he was? Would he have wasted it the way he had otherwise?

"What are you thinking?"

Nick shrugged, not wanting to share his true thoughts. He always felt a bit self conscious when it came to telling Kevin the role he played in Nick's life. It was an unspoken knowledge between the two, Kevin within the fatherly role, and with Nick wishing he was it in reality. "Just what I'm going to do. I know what I want to do, like...I want to leave a mark Kev, I just don't know how."

"Just try and make the best you can...with the other guys. It's all you can do." His voice trailed off, growing broken in tone.

"I know."

"...You need to make peace with your family too. I know you don't want to, and I know they don't really deserve you, but I know you. You won't be able to rest easy until you do."

Nick kicked a pebble along the sidewalk, suddenly finding the ground far more interesting right then. He hated how the other man was always right. It seemed to be the rule of Backstreet: In terms of advice, Kevin was always right. "They don't deserve to know, except maybe the twins. After everything, they should just find out when I'm too damn out of it to remember all the ways they abandoned me or fucked me over."

"Maybe it's time to settle it all. You know it is."

A pause. "Why do you have to be right all the damn time?"

Kevin chuckled. "It's a gift I've come to have over the years."

Nick smiled a bit, feeling so at ease yet incredibly frustrated at the same time. His mind and body were a swirling tornado of mixed emotions. He wanted to rage. He wanted to cry. He wanted to laugh. He wanted to smile. He wanted to be himself and make it go away with a few jokes. He wanted to escape it all. Nick just wanted to be, but without all the complications it currently came with. "Why me? What did I do to deserve all this?"