Remember Me This Way

Chapter Thirty Eight

"He's gone."

"How could you lose him?"

"Kevin, it's not like we can put a collar on him and send shocks anytime he wanders. This, this hasn't happened before."

"Dammit, we're trusting him in your care-"

"Maybe it's time to you know..."

"Nick would kill himself if we did that to him now!"

"Is there really a difference these days?"

"AJ! How the fuck can you say that?!" Brian yelled, uncaring about the language just then. They were in one of the spare rooms, as the women of the family stayed in the kitchen with the kids and his father to try and make it seem like everything was okay. They didn't want any of their children worried. There was no reason for them to know that their Uncle Nick had wandered off. All it would do was cause a lot of questions, fear, and panic. Something they didn't need more of.

"Brian, keep it down. Or the kids will hear and come in asking what's wrong. We agreed we didn't want them knowing about this."

"I say that because it's true. The Nick we know is dying. You think that's easy for me to say? Sometimes, yeah, I think it'd be more fucking merciful, on him and us, if..." AJ's hands were shaking as he ran his hands over his smooth, bald skull.

"No...it wouldn't." Brian said, his voice was shaking. "At least he's still here. A part of him is still here."

"And for how long? You think he likes being like this?"

"No one does AJ! But it doesn't mean he takes the easy way, kills himself, and ends up in hell because you couldn't cope! What, you wanna just buy a gun and do it for him? That way you can end up in hell instead! Or lets lock him up in a home, when most of the time he's having good days where he knows who he is, and would know hell in that place! Yes he has to go there someday but I'll be damned if I'll do it to him when he'll know daily that we just passed him off to be their problem! Do you know how hard it was for him to move in with me? How much that killed him? No you wouldn't and that's because-"

"Brian, stop it." Kevin said, placing his hand on his younger cousin's shoulder. Brian shrugged it off angrily.

"No, someone should say it."

"Why Brian?! Because I'm not some perfect fucking saint like you?! You're right, I'm not. And if you think I'm gonna stand here and have you accuse me of not giving a damn about Nick, I'm-"

"If you do you sure have a funny way of showing it!"

"Guys, we can argue about this later." Howie snapped, stepping between the two men before it escalated any further. At that moment Brian, who was always the peaceful one, looked ready to come to blows with a man he always considered a brother. AJ's own gaze was covered by sunglasses, but Howie sensed if looks could kill, Brian wouldn't be standing there any longer. "Right now we need to find Nick."

"Any ideas how?"

"LA's a big city, it's gonna take time if we try driving around."

"Any idea where he'd go?"

"Ideas? Sure, he'd head for the beach. I swear beaches are like Nick's fucking motherland."

"Any one specifically?"

A pause. "No. God Dammit!"

"He also loves those karaoke bars; I could see him going there too. That's where he likes to drag me to. He says it helps him deal, singing, even in dives."

"Any place he likes specifically?"

"If there is, I can't remember."

"Great, we call ourselves his brothers, and we can't even figure out where he's going." Brian lamented, kicking the wall in frustration. From the expression on his face, it was clear to see he blamed himself. It may have been beyond his control, but the feelings were still there. They washed though him painfully, as vivid and all consuming as anything.