Remember Me This Way

Chapter Eighteen

When they returned that night, not much was said. The car ride had been silent, and long, similar to the one he'd had with AJ after telling him. He couldn't really blame Howie, the man had always been considered to be "the quiet one" on normal days, without any help. Nick knew it was nothing personal in this case. It wasn't denial, and it wasn't anger. Howie simply needed time to really take it in, to really absorb the situation before he could begin to truly handle it.

The car sped down the highway, rain pitter-pattering against the windows. Nick smirked, thinking of a solo song AJ had done five years prior. He sighed as he sang softly, almost inaudibly.

"Now I miss the sun, but as long as I'm with you... it's just another rainy day in London..."

He stayed within his own musings, dreaming up ways to escape the reality he was trapped in. He thought of the way he'd come to be, as well as the way he'd never be. Nick reflected on the fans, wondered how he'd tell them. And when. They did deserve to know, they'd been so loyal over the years, and the group had always been open with them. Almost to a fault, in fact.

"So what's your plan?" Howie asked, jerking him forcibly out of his reverie.

He turned back towards him, watching him instead of the rainy streets of London. "What do you mean?"

"I mean when you..."

Nick quirked a brow. "Become an invalid, empty-headed, a blank slate, become the literal version of a what-cha-ma-call-it...oh! Tabula rasa?"

He could feel Howie's stare as he once again stared out the window. They came up to the five star hotel they were staying at that night. It felt good not to be sleeping in a tour bus for once. A mob of fans were waiting, and Nick immediately was thrown back in time, where he'd only been a teenager thrust into the hot lights of fame. Now, the mob was a bit smaller, but still just as hyped up as they'd been back then. Security was making their way through the crowds, and as they did, Nick looked back over at Howie as he cut the engine.

"Too harsh?"

He watched his friend sigh sadly. "A bit."

"Sorry, I've gotten used to it. And I gotta be all cynical while I can ya know?"

"So...your plan? You never answered."

Nick shrugged as he stepped out of the car. "Don't have one yet."

He let himself get swallowed by the mob as security led him through. He smiled at all the attention, hugged fans as he passed. Nick couldn't keep the grin off his face, despite the situation, and despite what he'd just told Howie. Sometimes, just knowing so many people loved you, loved your music, and was able to lift Nick on such a high.

I wonder if I'll be able to miss it when my mind's gone.

Right then, he supposed it didn't matter, did it? He could see Howie laugh at him as he took a fan's fedora and placed it on his head backwards, posting for a picture happily with a group of girls.

"Nick, what's with the pink hair? We've been wondering." A fan asked.

"Hey didn't y'all know? Pink's the new blonde!"

He had to live in the moment, whenever he could.

****

A couple nights later, Nick was looking over the promotional shots for his album. He'd been scheduling them with Jenn around the tour dates and now that the final song had been recorded, he needed to start picking what he wanted. Songs, photos, everything. None of the pictures were making him happy enough to actually use for the album booklet. He flipped through some photos, smiling as he settled on one he took at the beach just before he got diagnosed.