Remember Me This Way

Chapter Thirty Seven

Nick sat down in his therapist's office, his eyes focusing once again on the shelf of random items. That's where his gaze was always drawn, he couldn't help it. He glanced down at his hand again, where he'd written down his therapist's name. As time went on, little things were slipping easily from the grasp of his fading memory. Kevin had been the one to suggest he stopped by. With everything that had happened in the past few months, session appointments had been forgotten, amongst other things, and he'd felt Nick needed to talk it out with a professional.

Nick did it just because you didn't not listen to Kevin, but he was already regretting being there.

These days I wish I was just psychotic. It'd be better than what's really going on.

When Dr. Julewis entered the room with a friendly smile, Nick glanced down yet again. He knew he shouldn't be trying so hard to pretend that he wasn't losing as much as he was. He should accept it, embrace it, and go from there. Yet, something stopped him from doing so. A banner of pride flew boldly from him, and he refused to let it go.

It seemed it was one of the only things he had left.

"It's been awhile since we've talked. A lot's happened. I'm sorry to hear about your brother."

He nodded. He didn't want to talk about Aaron. Aaron who was forever to be marked as the biggest failure of his life. His biggest regret, until he would remember nothing. Only then, would he be at peace with the fate of his little brother. He sighed, saying nothing. It was easier when he thought Aaron was still alive and just ignoring him. The worst was when he remembered. The worst was when he brought back to the reality that he would love to abandon.

"I'm fine, until I forget he's gone. Someone has to tell me again and..." He couldn't finish his sentence. He couldn't even look into the kind doe like eyes of his therapist. Instead, they stared above her, at the Hitler Skunk figure on the shelf that he always wanted to take with him. If he focused on something else, there would be fewer questions. He felt himself fidgeting in the leather chair he was sitting in. Suddenly, he couldn't get comfortable no matter which way he shifted.

"Nick?" Her voice brought him back to the moment, forcing him to realize she'd been trying to talk to him and he'd simply tuned her out.

"Sorry."

"I can only imagine how hard it is for you. It's like he's dying again, isn't it?"

He nodded. "The other day, when I finally moved out of my condo, I asked Brian advice about Aaron. He didn't want to tell me. I was like...hella confused at first cause AJ went to tell me and Brian tried to stop him." Nick bit his lip before continuing. His mind flashed back to the argument that had started right there in front of him.

"He doesn't need to know."

"Of course he does! Or he'll think Aaron hates him and will never want to see him. Is that any better? Fuck Brian, we can't just hide shit from him."

"You guys..." Howie said, motioning subtly to Nick, who had paused while carrying a box out to the moving truck.

He hadn't told them that the argument alone had forced the memory of Aaron's death back to them. Or how it made him feel to watch them fight because of him and his disease. Instead he just smiled, like nothing was wrong. What hurt the most was that they had believed it, unable to see the falseness behind it.

"Right..." he said, rather than elaborating. "I, I have my bad days where it's harder to remember recent shit. I'm trying my best and I feel like I'm letting the guys down."

"What makes you think you're letting them down?"

"Because I am. They don't get why I'm alone so much."