Remember Me This Way

Chapter Thirty Five

Darkness.

Nothingness.

These were the things he wanted as he kept his eyes shut tight in hopes of sleeping once again. Everything was easier when he slept, and he was sick of everything being so hard these days. He turned to his side, a pillow caught within his embrace as he tried to get comfortable and return to the oblivion he so desperately craved.

Instead, he lay there with his eyes closed, failing miserably. All he wanted were sweet dreams granting him what reality refused to. He sighed and shifted yet again. Images danced before his eyes vivid and strong. He could see himself infirm before his time. He saw himself as a lost soul, wandering the world confused and alone. He could see the real Nick trapped within, knowing everything but unable to connect to himself.

Nick saw everything he worked for as nothing. For what was it if he didn't even know his own accomplishments? He saw himself looking at the walls filled with awards and plaques earned over his lifetime, and not knowing what they meant. He saw his family visit and him stare at them blankly. He saw their tears and the inability to comfort them. He saw his band mates, the best family he'd ever known, sticking by him when everyone else would give up. He watched the years go by in his head, his golden hair thinning and growing greyer. Nick looked down at himself infirm in a bed crying for reasons he didn't understand.

When his eyes opened, the tears were still wet as they streaked freshly down his cheeks.

He wiped them hastily despite the fact there was no one to see them. He walked into the living room and over to the entertainment center. Above the flat jumbo screen television were the shelves proudly displaying everything he'd done. Photos over the years of him and the fellas adored them. His eyes ran over the American Music Awards, Video Music Awards, Billboard Music Awards, and even the several Grammys that the group had finally accomplished towards the end of their run as a group. He lifted the one they got for Album of the Year off the shelf, staring at it oddly. It was just a trinket really, it was what it symbolized, and it was the prestige that made it so valuable.

So one day this would mean nothing.

Too bad I never gotta chance to try and get one of these solo. He mused. Within all the accomplishments, Nick always fought to find ways to set goals in his life. Something to work for. It helped keep him sane even if it turned him into a work-a-holic.

The phone rang and it almost caused him to drop it. Nick didn't hurry to answer it. He knew it would be either one of the fellas, family, or management. Those he used to consider his "casual" friends had ditched him once word came out of his ailment. He had long since gotten used to the phone not ringing much.

The phone continued to ring. He turned the answering machine off the night before. He was getting sick of Brian trying to call. It had been a week since their argument and Nick wasn't up for talking. Deep down, he knew he'd been wrong to snap at him. He knew Brian was trying to do what he asked of him, and it was just as hard for him as it was for Nick. But admitting that meant facing the future.

While he wouldn't deny what was to come, he wasn't ready to face it head on either.

Finally, he answered. "Hello?"

"About time Nicky."

He made a face. "D..."

"Don't call me Nicky!" He said in a whiny yet accurate imitation. "I know."

"But you still do it!" Nick whined.

"Because I can."

"So are you checking on me?"

"Yikes, don't be so defensive."

He sighed, running a hand through his tousled hair. "Sorry, I'm just on edge."