Against society [AMBW]

Chapter Fifty

Week15~Monday

The thoughts of tomorrows events spiral in my mind, measuring all negative outcomes of the situation. What if we're caught? What if we get killed on the way?

However no matter how much I try to get rid of these negative thoughts, a new one evolves. To cope, I've learnt to contradict the thought with the positive outcome. I get to live... in a safer environment... where my lifestyle will be accepted and not looked down on.

My eyes flutter down to his, as I try to search for some sort of answer some sort of sign for him to tell me to keep going. But I can't find it. He's just listening, not even processing the words as if they're expectant of me.

"I'm scared that we won't stay together." I sigh, letting a small gush of air release from my mouth slowly. I shouldn't doubt our relationship not at this stage, but I can't help but question whether we have enough strength to last.

"Jagi, I want you. I'm not listening to my dad's choice of a girl for marriage. That should tell you enough."

"Choice of girl?" For some reason, he doesn't seem to mention his dad very often. That's another thing I don't know whether to question or to give him time and space to choose when to tell me.

"My dad wants me to marry someone of his choice." The distance in his voce is laced with his nonchalant tone.

"Have you... met her?"

What am I supposed to think in this position?

Am I supposed to be neutral or possessive? Jealous or overwhelmed?

"He hasn't chosen someone for me yet... But he wants me to marry someone of his choice or standard." His voice rings out into the sudden silence.

His choice or standard...
I'm neither.

"Oh." Speechless. I don't know what to say or feel. A simple 'oh' is all I can get out of my pity right now. The tension in the room increases as I stare into the open space ahead of me. I'm not being petty, I just don't know what I'm supposed to say. Lately, his distance with me has been very prominent. It's always just the little gestures like not calling me as often, he doesn't make the bed anymore- he used to do that whenever we watched movies at either my house or his. Having said that, the thing which has hurt me the most within these last few days is that his eyes are gone. They don't stare into mine for longer than five seconds and when they do... it's not the same. They're icy, dark and overwhelming. The entrance to the soul- they say- when I can't even find the way in anymore.

"Don't worry about it. I chose you." The roughness in his voice, suggests the struggle he put into saying these words.

"I know." I nod.

It's now or never.

"Do you think we'll last?" Out of nowhere my mouth overtakes my brain.

"Jagi, I want to stay with you." With the way he said 'want', inferred that he can't and it's only yet another wish he can't fulfil. Maybe it's just my brain overthinking again, but his tone was slightly higher.

Shake it off, Faviola.

It's now or never.

"Would you... marry me?"

Shuffles are made whilst he turns over onto his stomach, face looking up to mine, one arm draped over my body grabbing me.

"I would." Again what is it with the modality.

Faviola, just keep going.

"Then can you promise me that when we're ready..." I take a deep breathe, holding back the contradicting thoughts.