WHAT COMES AFTER THE END OF THIS

Chapter 49

Chapter 49

Yrene's  PoV

Did I do something wrong? What was happening? And why was it happening so quickly? My thoughts are going rampant as Chase clears his throat and apologises,
"I'm sorry."
"What for?" I know what for but I want to hear him say it.
"For doing that. I had no right."
"You could have every right."
"Yrene..."
"Chase."
"Please try to understand."
"Understand what, Chase?" My temper is rising by every second I spend with him standing in front of me and denying his feelings outright and moreover accepting that what he did was a mistake! The audacity of this man!
"Forget it. I'm here to talk to you and I want to do it without fighting with you."
"Fine. Speak."
"Can we go outside? Like on the balcony?"
"Why?"
"I need fresh air."
"Sure then."
I lead the way to my balcony and he follows me on cue, luckily for me it faces the back gardens, obscured from the view of prying eyes. He stands with his back to me, resting his arms on the stone railing and leaning forwards.
"I want to tell you why I did it Yrene. Why I left you."
"You already did Chase: it was just a fling and afterwards you lost interest and feelings, it was plain and clear, Chase. That I was only a past-" before I can finish my sentence he cuts me off with one of his own, one that takes me by blunt surprise.
"I didn't! Okay? I lied! You were never a fling or a pastime! You were much more!"
What? No. No. No. I couldn't be hearing this right. This was a lie. Why did he have to come back and say all of this just when I was wanting to get over him, just when I had almost finally discovered what my feelings were for him, the extent of my feelings and was hoping beyond hope that some day I could get over them. But no! The shitshow, I call my life, must prove me wrong every, single time.
"What do you mean Chase?"
"Come here," he commands me and I, like the fool I am walk up to him, " I left you because I had to. You deserve all the happiness in the world, baby, and I can't give it to you, especially through a hidden relationship, the relationship we had. I can't jeopardise your position or have someone raise objections to your character or judge you for anything in this world, not even my own happiness, I'm not that selfish Yr, I can't ever be that selfish. I can be your anchor, your support, but I can't be the anchor that pulls you down with itself. I can't tie you down."
His words and self doubt are making my head spin with extreme anguish and realisation. This lovely man thought that I wasn't worth him, this smart, smart man who was too good for me thought that I was too good for him? No, why didn't he understand that he was too good for me?
"Chase you are not tying me down! For God's sake! You never were!" My voice has risen as I try to eradicate the doubt in his mind, to make him get rid of the stupid thoughts. No sooner does my voice rise that the tears start to well in my eyes too.
"Yrene, I was. I was tying you down. You did not see it. You could not see it, but I did. I saw what I was doing to you. How I was corrupting you and pulling you down with me."
"Stop saying that!" By now one of the tears escapes and sails down my cheek but it is left unnoticed for now as Chase continues his monologue.
"Yrene, I can't love you in public, I can't express my love for you to anyone else and I don't want to keep it hidden, I don't like keeping it hidden. I want to claim you in front of everyone else but I can't goddamn do that! And what about you? You shouldn't want to keep your love hidden either, keep your feelings secret, baby. You deserve the world to know that someone loves you and trust me the guy who stakes him claim on you will by all means be the luckiest man in the world in my eyes. But, Yrene, I can't give you that-" I cut him off with my exasperated screeching,
"I don't goddamn need that! I need you goddamit!" By now the tears are flowing freely down my cheeks and onto the stone below as I sob silently.
"You do. You do not want that but you need that, I want that for you. I know I have broken you, badly, hurt you, terribly, and there's not s single day I've slept peacefully since then, but Yrene, it's better than trying to live with myself knowing that I have in one way or another hide red your growth. You deserve the world, baby, and I can't give that to you but he can, Jason can."
Wait, hold up, where did Jason come into this from? I don't say this aloud for I can't find it in myself to question him, I want to remove his self doubt now.
"You were my world!" By now I'm sure, due to the warmth I feel in my cheeks that it's not only due to the hot angry tears but the blood that has been rushing through my veins due to the erratic beating of my heart against my ribs.
"That's what you think, Yrene, what you were thinking but you don't mean that." The calm in his voice enrages me even further.
"Do not tell me what I do and do not mean by what I say!" I swear Niagara Falls would be put to shame by the water rushing from my eyes and down my face. And the suited man walks towards me and cradles my face in both of his calloused hands but I can't look him in the eyes so I try to turn away but his grip holds me in place making me look directly into the abyss of gold and hazel which is only partially visible due to the light shilling from my room and the moon that is by now shining directly above our bodies.
"Hear me out baby", his voice is the softest whisper and the most heart wrenching plea I have ever heard keeping me from saying anything, " I want you as much as you want me, perhaps even more, but we cannot do this. I cannot do this to you. Darling, Jason loves you, I am more than a hundred percent sure of it, I have seen it: the way he looks at you, the adoration in his eyes, the way his face lights up every time your name is mentioned." He must have noticed my confused expression for he adds, "Yes, I know this because I talked to him a day before your birthday, got his number from Bear and everything because I wanted to be sure of the fact that I was leaving you in the best and most loving hands. Anyways, I told him everything, my feelings, your feelings for me, our short lived relationship. And, sweetie, he can give you all the love you deserve, all day, everyday when on the other hand I can't. I can't ruin you, Yrene, I'm not that self-centred. I can't keep you bound to me like this, it's toxic. Yr, I'm old-"
"Age is just a damn number! We could work it out and for the last fucking time, you are not keeping me down!"
"No, we couldn't have. It would have been unhealthy and not to mention morally and ethically wrong. But let me tell you one thing; when I met you you were broken. Completely. Your eyes were dull, beautiful and deep, but dull. And I promised myself then, that no matter what I would protect you from all that was bad and to never ever let anyone else hurt you, and Yrene I can't be that person myself, someone who destroys you with a toxic relationship. And Yrene, now, since Jason has become a more active part of your life, the spark and brightness have returned to your eyes, and the colour to your cheeks. You don't see it, you don't see how you don't seem hollow and colourless anymore, but I do. I see how there is a light spring in your step, feigned annoyance and hidden smiles on your features every time your friends tease you about him. You don't realise this yet but he is the perfect man for you. Someone I can never be even if I die and come back to life."
"You were perfect for me too." The 'too' slips from my tongue unintentionally for a reason unbeknownst to me.
"Baby two broken people cannot make one whole."
"Broken? You're not broken!"
"The day I saw Alison with Blake, I broke apart too. And you deserve someone whole, someone to complete you and make you whole. I'm not that for you, baby, as I said I'm an anchor weighing you down and I don't want you to drown with me. I can't live with myself knowing that, darling."
Our foreheads are attached now and like before he kisses away my tears and the ones that aren't caught by his smooth lips are captured by his thumbs and all the while his are streaming down his stumbled face as well.
"No. Please. Chase. I can't." I shake my head at him and he forcefully pulls me into his chest as i continue to shake my head.
"Go Yrene. Leave me. Go." His voice is a broken plea masked as a demand.
Absentmindedly I let go of him and pull myself out of his embrace. He continues to speak,
"Promise me, baby, if you have any feelings for me, that you will do it. For me. Forget me as a lover and accept me as a friend. That you will try to be happy, be happy. Without me. I don't want to be your crutch."
I shake my head at him furiously,
"No. No. No. Please Chase, I can't do this. I'm probably in love with you, I can't not think of you now! It's too late!"
"I know baby. But it's not too late, think of what we had going on as mere infatuation and that you can find love too. Find it with Jason, who is in love with you, madly."
"Don't tell me what to think Chase! And Jason does not goddamn love me!"
"Baby... Look at me. He does love you, has he not told you yet?"
Okay now this was getting out of hand, first I figure out that this guy has feelings for me and now another guy, one I never thought capable, also has feelings for me? My life has officially become a Tim Burton movie!
"What? No, he only told me to give him a chance because he likes me! He never said love!"
"Yrene, he is probably scared to face it. His feelings. But he does love you and everyone but yourself can see it, that and the evident chemistry between you. Do you not think that it is slowly breaking me, horribly, to let you go? To hand you over to someone else? To never be able to kiss you again? Well it is! I can barely accept that you will be someone else's, that you are, now, someone else's, but then I think of your happiness-"
"You are my happiness!"
"No, that's what you think! Anyways, I think of how Jason can forever keep you happy when I can't, how he's closer to your age than I will ever be. So, I'm letting you go, I haven't come to terms with this yet but I will, for you. So promise me sweetheart, if you love me, you will give him a chance."
I don't know what made me say it, perhaps it was the mental exhaustion or the need to not ruin whatever we had any further that made me say it but I did anyways,
"I would die for you, Chase. I would do anything for you." As I said the words my mind let him go partially as did my heart. I didn't have any idea how or why this happened but I knew I would manage to get myself out of this turmoil and soon the ache in my heart would also fade away as would the feelings. Slowly but surely.
"Then do this for me."
It was true that I would do anything for him and so I would do this for him. I was tired. More than tired. And if he wanted this I would give him this. The fight I had in me had dies seeing that he was as stubborn as myself. So I give in completely, willing the pangs of agony burning my heart. Wiping my tears, I nod at him and move backwards as he moves towards the balcony, turning my back to him I start to walk away. He doesn't look back and neither do I. With every step I take, I try to wipe away my never ending tears and with every step I take, I try to snatch my heart back from the man who captured it the very first moment that I saw him. I stop at the threshold of my room to look at him one more time, repeating to myself that one last look won't hurt, and when I do, he turns his head in my direction at the same time. Our eyes connect and within a matter of seconds I feel his lips crash into mine with pleasure so intense I feel my knees buckling underneath the flowing dress but Chase keeps an iron grip on my waist holding me steady as I give in to him one last time.
"One...last...kiss." He softly whispers between kisses. I have no idea how he ran towards me with that great a speed but in the moment I don't care as I tear up again.
He slowly pulls himself away and I whimper at the loss of contact but he whispers,
"Come inside."
And like the lost, desperate puppy that I am, I follow him inside my room. He sits me down on my vanity stool. I look at myself in the dresser mirror and all I can do is ask God to bless the creator of water proof makeup, although my eyes are red rimmed and somewhat puffy, most of my make up is intact and luckily there is no mascara streaming down my cheeks either. Mostly the lipstick I put on still stains my lips that were not two minutes ago pressed against someone else's. I touch up the makeup, making the puffiness go away and add some sort of drops to my eyes to ease the redness, the drops too are from the time I was diagnosed with insomnia and needed something to make me look less tired. I do all this while Chase, stands behind me and wipes his face clean of the tears that were there a few moments ago. Before I can process what is happening I feel him running his hands along my arms, causing goosebumps before he leans foreword and picks up my gloves, kissing all of the scars on my left wrist he slides the gloves onto my hands and as soon as he is done with the gloves he slips on my diamond engagement ring onto my left ring finger.
"Come, let's go."
He extends his hand as he stands up and I take it. Hand in hand we walk towards to my rooms main door. As we walk out into the hallway, 'Let her Go' by Passenger plays on, ironically.

"Only know you've been high when you're feeling low"
He lets go of one of my fingers as we walk to the end of the hall.

"Only miss the sun when it starts to snow."
He lets two of my fingers loose and I sharply inhale a breath and close my eyes when I hear him sigh.

"Only know you love her when you let her go."
He lets go of my hand, completely. And when I reopen my eyes, I let him go. Mentally and physically. He lags behind in the hallway to not make it seem like we were together especially when we both know that the gossiping Messrs will look for anything to gossip about and I was going to be in the spotlight, hence all the more reason for them to pay more unnecessary attention to me. Plastering a bright smile onto my face I stroll down the stairs. All heads turn in my direction but I'm interested in the reaction of only one of them. Gone is the disappointed and sad look in his eyes from not having seen me wearing the engagement ring, now replaced by a handsome devilish grin as soon as he takes in the diamond blinking on my left, gloved hand. With all eyes still on us he walks up to the base of the stairs and reaches out the crook of his bent arm for me to take. I hold onto his arm as he leads me to the dance floor. Wrapping one arm around my waist and with the other holding my hand at arms length he gleefully, with eyes as bright as I have ever known his to be, spins me around once before I voice the reason behind my actions,
"I'll give you a chance."
~*~
Chase's PoV

I breathe a sigh of relief when I, from my position see her take her fiancé's arm and I swallow the jealousy I feel and close my eyes for a second and when I reopen them, I let her go. The same way I know she let me go.

To all those who need to hear this, I'm sorry 🙈🙈.
Love,
N.
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