WHAT COMES AFTER THE END OF THIS

Chapter 74

Chapter 74

Yrene's PoV

Ever since that day Chase had told me he loved me, I was left feeling uneasy and the fact that due to my mids I hadn't called him or Bear made me feel worse. I wanted to tell Chase that it wasn't his fault, it wasn't the fact that he loved me that bothered me but love itself. It was me and not him. And maybe it wasn't even me, maybe it was the concept, the ideology of love itself that fucked me over. I didn't think I could bear to love anyone else, not because it wasn't possible but because I did not think I had it in me to go through that kind of pain of losing that love and survive it. I knew I couldn't. And so I had decided to shun love itself. I hated love and I hated ever having felt it; having felt it to such an extent that at one point I had felt that it would consume me and its sheer force would split me in two. No. That was a lie; I did not resent having fallen in love with Jason and as I said, I would forever be thankful to Chase for choking his own love for me and letting me experience that love with another man. Loving Jason and loving Chase before him, were by far the most amazing things I had ever felt and yet I couldn't help but resent the idea of love for breaking me so throughly, for hurting me so bad. My thoughts didn't make sense at this point, not even to me but what I thought is what I thought. Deciding I needed to bring Chase into the loop and let him know what I thought so that he could understand my reasons for pushing him away.

The phone rang and rang and rang but there was no answer. Strange. No matter what, Chase Drew always answers my calls.
"Hey Chase, call me. We need to talk."
I sent the hundredth voicemail to him that day before I proceeded to call Bear.

"Hey sis? What's up?"
"Hi, Bear! Can we talk?"
"Well I answered the phone, so I guess we can talk." He replies, chuckling at his smartass comment.
"Great."
I continue to tell him about how Chase isn't answering my calls and how I need to talk to him.
"Oh. I see. Now, how do I say this?" I knew something was wrong instantly and my heart beat faster than it ought to.
"What?" Even though I tried to say it in a strong manner, my voice came as a feeble whisper, my heart sinking with every passing second.
"Yr, sweetie, Chase isn't in UK anymore. He's shifted to Australia and so he has changed his number and everything, he's handling our father's business there."
The world starts to spin and I have to take a seat on the couch to prevent myself from crashing to ground in a fir of dizziness.
"Oh." What? It's all I can manage at this point.
"Is everything alright honey?"
"Yes, of course it is. Listen, Bear I gotta go; I've got this stuff that I need to take care of." 

How could Chase do this? How could he leave; without saying goodbye, without telling me? Why did he leave? Why didn't he tell me?

"You always have stuff to take care of, Yrene. Stop trying to make yourself believe everything will be fine if you keep on piling it inside yourself and not talking about it."
"What do you mean?"
"You very well know what I mean, Yr. Stop torturing yourself, you deserve happiness too! And I know you're saying you're going to rehab for yourself and everything but I know you're only doing this because of Jason too, you're still denying yourself happiness even when you say you're trying to achieve it. You're my sister, I know you."
"That's not true; I am happy." I say, my voice so weak that it's almost a whimper and even I can hear just how pathetic I sound; trying to make myself believe that I am happy when deep down I know I'm still broken.
"Keep on telling those lies to yourself, Yrene, I don't fucking buy them."
"I'm not lying."
"Say it till you believe it, I guess."
"Stop. Please Bear, just stop."
I hear him sigh at the other end,
"Do you need his number?"

Tears well up in my eyes and threaten to overflow as the realisation finally hits me that Chase, another very important part of my life, has gone away, so far away from me without saying goodbye. I see how it is; I see just how important I've been to him, I see through those white lies.

"No, I'm good. Thanks. I'll ask you if I need it. I love you, brother."
I hear a groan of frustration at his end but he quickly masks it with a sigh.
"Okay. I love you too sister. So are you coming down to see us in December?"

I had originally planned to but now I didn't want to anymore, if people were making their lives elsewhere, I'd make mine here too then.

"Nope. I don't think so."
"Why? Huh? Your birthday is in December, you can't just not come!"
"I'm sorry Bear, but I don't think I ever want to come back. But hey, you all can come and see me here. Raymond and Mishy already are and so are Katie and Aelin. They were planning to come already but that original plan included me returning with them but that, of course, will change now. I'll call Ross and Joss too and I've already told you to come here."
"What about your parents?"
"What about them?"
"Don't you want to see them?"
"I don't know, Bear. I mean obviously I miss them but I don't want to go back there, if they want to see me they are more than welcome to come see me here but otherwise..." I trail off and that is enough to deliver my message.
"I see how it is then. Fine. I think I'll come see you, after all someone needs to knock sense into you."
"Bye, Care Bear."
"I love you baby sis."
I end the call and as soon as I do the angry waterfall that are my tears cascade down my cheeks as I sink to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest.

I don't even know what I'm crying for exactly but it's what my heart needs right now and so I continue to cry for Nick, for Jason, for Chase and for all of them leaving me the way that they did; without a stupid goodbye. The dinner I had had stings my throat and I make my way to my washroom, emptying the contents of my stomach into the toilet bowl. Heaving and panting, I pull myself up from the ground and cleaning my mouth with water.

Why was I crying for them, more specifically, why was I crying for Chase. He was the one who left me, he was the one who fed me lies about loving me and being there for me forever. I scoff at his behaviour and make way to the alcohol cabinet, pulling out a bottle of expensive scotch and poring it in a tumbler. One glass wouldn't harm me and that was what it was going to be. Only one glass.

I downed the liquid and it burnt my oesophagus but I didn't care because the burning in my heart was much stronger and hurt more even though I still couldn't pinpoint its exact reason. Chase hadn't exactly betrayed me considering we weren't even together, so why was I feeling this way? Him not having said goodbye couldn't be the only reason but it had to be. 

The scotch must have changed something because the next morning I awoke with a new perspective, a perspective to change my life, and settle here in this part of London, closest to Oxford County forever. Donning a plain black tee with a long and warm Fendi overcoat to keep the harsh November winds away from me, I wrapped a chunky woollen scarf around myself, buckled my knee high boots, and put in my beanie before leaving the apartment.

I look through all the shops; searching for pieces to decorate and add my own touch the apartment; make it mine fully. I had planned on getting a few things only and never in a thousand lifetimes would I have expected myself to bring back ten bags from various stores, all filled to the brim with items that I had liked.

One by one, I picked out the items from the bags and started putting them up. After two hours, all was set, well, all except the LED and neon lights that I couldn't put up by myself. After a glass of water, I went down to the lobby and informed the front desk that I needed a handy man to help me put them up and as per my request, Matt, the hotel handy man, was following me to my penthouse. In another thirty minutes, we were done and I bid the handy man farewell with his tip and payment.

The apartment looked amazing, the walls adorned with LED and neon lights and new frames hung up and placed on the tables. The beige L-shaped sofa sported new cushion covers and the, courtesy of the handyman, the grand chandelier was cleaned of its dust, basking the apartment in a warm, yellow hue. Now all that was left to change was me.

The winds became more bitter every passing day and snow had begin to fall as November rolled into December and- yes, you guessed it! Finals time! I had maintained a good 3.85 GPA and aced my mids and assignments but that didn't mean that finals were to be taken lightly.

It was finals week already which meant a few more days till my friends and family came to visit me. Luckily for me, they had understood my reasons for staying and had accepted it, they weren't happy about it but they were comfortable with knowing that it was what I wanted for myself.