WHAT COMES AFTER THE END OF THIS

Chapter 78

Chapter 78 

Yrene's PoV

Jason was a total sweetheart, a cute little pumpkin and I had absolutely come to adore him; his tiny little smile, small hands and soft, chubby cheeks were all everyone was interested in for the weekend and now being back at Oxford, I missed my munchikin already. 

'He looks so much like you, Jay, so much. His eyes... They're like a photocopy of yours, just as beautiful and just as green, they too remind me of meadows and winters. They remind of you.' I whisper to the picture of us in my hand,
'He's so beautiful, Jason, that I cannot explain it, he's the prettiest baby I've ever seen.'
The big goofy smile on his face ,that not many got to see, is on full display, in the picture, making me remember just how good it had made me feel every time he smiled: when he cracked a lame joke, was reminded of a childhood memory or when he laid with me telling me stories as his fingers stroked my bare back. 

'Why did you do this huh?' I cry, unable to hold back anymore, 'Why did you leave us like that, you asshole?! You, you fucking promised to never let a tear fall from my eyes and look what you've done, Jay!' By this point I'm a sobbing mess and I don't even try to control it anymore. After a few minutes of having hugged my knees to my chest and rocking back and forth on the hardwood floor, I decide to get up and take my third shower of the day. As I soak in the warm water I'm reminded of what it felt like to be held by Jason, to be loved by him. Warm. It felt warm. And comforting. Comforting like a cup of scalding hot chocolate with marshmallows as a blizzard raged outside. 

Drying myself with a fluffy white towel that I had recently bought, I pull on one of Jason's hoodies and black yoga pants, waiting for my new friend to show up. Alyssa and I had met here, at Oxford, and had become instant friends, not only were we both passionate about chess but had a lot of other common interests too, namely: a strong passion for writing, literature and poetry, oh and not to mention an everlasting love for the word 'intoxication'. An aspiring, selfless model, she had also become fast friends with my friends especially Katie, who according to her and I quote, "lacked brains in all other departments but posing." One thought leads to another and I end up reminiscing in the good old times with my school friends, Jason and my brothers and so when Alyssa rings the bell, I almost don't notice it at first but when I do' I quickly run and open the door, greeting her. 

"Check mate." Alyssa calls out for the umpteenth time as he queen and king trap my King, leaving him no direction to move in.
"Babe, your head is not in the game, evidently, it's somewhere else." She points out sharply, out stretching her slender, porcelain arm and runs the back of my palms, as I, in exasperation, put my head on the cherrywood table, banging it lightly to my friends dismay who tuts at me. When I finally lift my head up I can almost not believe my eyes; I pull my hand out of Alyssa's who by this point is seemingly highly confused for some reason as I begin to walk towards him.

He's wearing his typical black leather jacket over a commando green shirt that's a perfect fit to his lean body, just like the skinnies clinging to his long legs. I take a few steps forward and he gives me his signature smirk, I reach out to touch those lips, remembering their feel on mine, but I'm too far away. His scent of pinewood, aftershave and Chanel Bleu clouds my senses as I continue to stumble towards him, in a trance. When I'm almost nose to nose with him, like I have been over a thousand times before this, I attempt to cradle his stubbled cheek in my palm, but instead in end up cupping empty air. I whisper his name but just as soon as it had appeared, the heavenly vision evaporates before my eyes. 

I feel a certain dampness on my cheeks and only then do I realise that I had let the waterworks begin. As stealthily as a cat out preying on a bird, Alyssa comes up to me and wraps her arms around me. 

"Quiet, Yr, be strong. It's going to be okay. I promise." Tears line those beautiful eyes of topaz and yet grey-green specked eyes of hers as I sob into her bony shoulder. I continue to cry my heart out for some time because I know that she's selfless enough to not give a damn about me ruining her favourite signature Gucci hoodie with my foolish tears. Foolish. Foolish tears because Jason was gone and he would never come back, no matter how many tears were shed in his loving memory. 

I had tried to make my peace with that fact and to some extent I had been able to do that but sometimes I just missed him so much, especially this month, that the pain no longer remained emotional but rather became a physical torture. After what seems like an eternity, I sniffle and wipe away, or at least attempt to wipe away my tears. 

Alyssa hands me a box of tissues before sitting me down in a manner that tells me she means business and she's about to give me a hard talk no matter what. She looks directly at me.
"Listen Yrene."
"Yes?"
"Do you remember Twelfth Night?"
Who wouldn't? I love that play!
"Yes, of course I do but where are you going with this conversation?" I question, trying to rack my brains to come up with a sensible conclusion as to why I'm being interrogated regarding this play that I absolutely love.
"Well, then do you remember what the Fool tells Olivia when she's mourning for her brother?"
I know that play by heart and I obviously remember what the fool had said to her but I still have no idea what she's trying to imply until she says the words,

"He asks her if she thinks her brother is in Hell and she says no to which he witfully asks her the reason for her mourning if she believes him to be in a better place."

And just like in Olivia in Twelfth Night, I was stunned. I couldn't speak for a whole minute as the realisation of how right she was hit me like a truck. 

"Then, sweetie, you shouldn't mourn for Jason either, he's in a better place, a much better place now. He's happy and he wants you to be happy too."

I slowly nod and she kisses both my cheeks, giving me a warm smile and on cue I pick up my phone from the countertop and open Ross's text which I had dreaded opening until now considering I already knew its contents, having read it already from my notifications bar. 

*hey, Yr, we know how hard this may be for you because it's really hard for Mishy and I too, but there's a service in honour of Jason, on the tenth, that wretched date. We kind of want to do something in his memory on his death anniversary. We want you to come but obviously the final choice is yours hon. We love you. I love you. Xx.* 

Sighing, I key in my reply.

*I'll be there. Xx.* 

And that was that. My first step in moving forward. A first of many firsts to come and that had come. First Christmas, first birthday without him, first thanksgiving, first everything. This was just one of them. 

~*~ 

Chase's Pov 

I felt like I was going crazy; I saw her everywhere, I heard her call out my name, I felt her featherlight touch, all when she wasn't even there. I had never let any woman have such control over me, not even Alison but Yrene... my Yrene... she was different. She was apart from this world and was my whole universe. I couldn't take her out of my head or my heart and in all honesty I was not sure I wanted to, and if I did want to, how would I forget her?

My nights were restless, I would toss and turn before jolting awake only to look at my screensaver, at her picture, in hopes of some day receiving a text from the number I had not the heart to delete and had transferred it to my new sim card. 

The amount of times I had drunk myself to sleep and then woken up only to hurl my guts out, the amount of cigarettes I had tossed into the toilet bowl before flushing them and the amount of times i had held a knife poised over my wrist these past few months had increased exponentially and I had no idea what I was going to do about it. 

The only thing that kept me going was handling the business here, crunching numbers and reading through ring binded reports and highlighting important points was the only thing keeping a tiny piece of my mind sane. 

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How do y'all like Alyssa??? 

Here's to getting priorities and friendships in order!- XX-N