Fate is a Funny Thing

Panda

Mike?

That explains why I didn't realise it was him. My dad's name is not Mike. Not his real name, anyway. I realise he must have assumed a new identity, when he kicked us to the curb, too. How annoyingly ironic.

On the drive home, I sit in the back and cry silently. Rafael looks at me a couple of times through the rearview mirror but doesn't speak. Rubbing my eyes hopelessly, I forget that I have make-up on and by the time I get out of the car I look like Taylor Swift in one of her break up music videos. It looks pretty on her, but unfortunately not on me. As soon as we park up, I jump out of the car and run up the stairs before he can see my face.

Shutting my door, I fall into a heap on my bed and cry even harder. I grab my pillow and cry into it because I don't want to make too much noise. Crying until there are no tears left, I let the hurt and pain of abandonment and betrayal pour out of me like a river. Everything I've held down for years just explodes and I don't try to stop it.

I don't even know why I'm crying. He left us years ago. I should be over it.

Maybe seeing him for the first time in so long triggered some mental shit, I haven't been dealing with. I guess all these years, there were times where I'd wonder what he was doing, or if he thought about us. As I grew up, I had these moments less and less, but they were still there. The hope that he'd come back one day full of regret and apologies also decreased over the years too, but I'd be lying if I said the hope wasn't still there.

Seeing him so happy and settled into a new life, with a new identity really rattled me. Who leaves their wife and two kids, and doesn't look back? How can it be so easy to forget and move on? So easy to just not give a shit?

Then there's the fact that I was standing right in front of his face and he didn't recognise me. He shook my hand and smiled but he smiled the way you smile at a stranger. That was the part that stung the most. I was right in front of his face! Has he actually pushed his old life that far into the back of his memory? A part of me felt like screaming 'I'M YOUR DAUGHTER, HAVEN'T YOU MISSED ME?' in his face. Out of the million different scenarios I'd imagined seeing my dad again, this was not one of them.

I've obviously missed him in the past. Usually, I'd go to my mum, and she'd hug me and tell me I'll be fine until I didn't miss him as much. As childish as it sounds, I really wish my mum was with me. Putting aside all the stupid marriage stuff, she was the best mother in the world. Then I remember what she said to me when I refused the arranged marriage and I furiously wipe away my tears. Both my parents let me down in their own ways. It hurt like hell.

"Hope?"

Rafael pops his head through the door cautiously, with a sympathetic look on his face. Sniffling in reply, he smiles sadly at me waiting for me to give him permission to come in. I sit up and make space for him on the bed, which he takes as an indication that I'd like his company.

"How long has it been since you've seen him?" he asks.

"A while," I whisper.

"You haven't spoken or...?" he asks again, and I shake my head.

"That's the first time I've seen him since he left," I say without thinking. "He didn't even recognise me..."

My tears cut me off and I shut my mouth, crying a little harder. Drawing my knees towards my chest, I hold my head in my hands and cover my face. We sit in silence for what seems like hours before he startles me by placing an arm around me. His warmth surrounds me, instantly making me feel calmer. I don't know how, or why, but when he pulls me close and wraps his other arm around me the tears stop and the ache in my chest lessens. Being so close to him isn't so frightening anymore, so I lean into his embrace.