tequila ; s. paulson one - shots

broken (b. d. howard)

(the song above isn't directly vital to the plot, but i recommend listening to it to get a better idea of the story 😁)

On a particularly mundane day, you lay on your bed, the loud rock music blaring beside you, trying to keep yourself under control.

It was no secret that you had a fiery temper, but you somehow always managed to bottle it all up and not lash out at anyone. Especially not at Billie. She had been the one person who stuck with you despite everything, taking all your bad habits in stride.

The anger always stemmed from something ironically tiny and insignificant, like a joking insult thrown, a small mistake, anything that suddenly triggered you to spiral into deep self-loathing. Your hatred of yourself would then be so hard to hide, people would start to notice your furious scratching and spacing out, but of course they'd never think to comfort you. You had to grown to accept that you were merely a passing face in the lives of others.

Today's frustration seemed to be a lot more intense than normal, and it was a lot of effort to just not yell at whoever came by you. Your girlfriend had noticed you being distant all day, and upon seeing you doing nothing, she knew she had to intervene.

"Y/N? Are you okay?" Billie's voice snapped you out of your thoughts. You nodded, not in the mood to talk, not even when she placed a kiss on your head. "Are you sure you're okay? You've been quiet all day."

"I said I'm fine, Billie, don't worry," you replied with your jaw clenched.

"Do you want to talk about it?"

Rolling over, you shook your head, "No, thanks. Can you leave me alone for a while?"

"You do realize I can't help you if you don't talk to me, right?"

You took a deep breath and nodded, still scratching your already raw arms. Billie was getting increasingly worried, and she decided to pry further. "Y/N, sweetheart, please tell me what's bothering you. I just want to help."

"Fine then, I'm not okay, Billie. is that what you wanted to hear?" you said, finally snapping, "Well, there it is. You can try to 'help' me all you want, but it'll never work."

"What the fuck happened to you?"

"Nothing happened to me. News flash, Billie Dean. I'm not who you thought I was. And I'd like to be alone now, please."

"I don't want to leave you to suffer alone, Y/N. Please talk to me," the older woman pleaded.

You laughed, a startlingly empty and bitter sound, "People always tell me that bullshit. 'I'll always be there for you', 'You can tell me anything', 'I won't leave you', but they never mean it, do they? They always leave me to solve my problems, to patch myself up, to wipe away my own tears. Nobody fucking cares."

"I care, Y/N, please don't say those things."

"Do you really? I'm pretty sure you're just saying that."

"When will you get your head out of your fucking ass and realize I'm only trying to help you? Not only that, but it's because I love you?"

Your eyes were already misty, and seeing the pained expression in your girlfriend's tear-filled eyes did nothing but add to your self-loathing.

"I'm no good for you, Billie. Just leave me already."

"Listen to me, Y/N. I love you and I want to help you, but you have to tell me what's on your mind if we're going to do this."

"You want to know what's on my mind? Fine then. I hate myself for not being good enough, okay? And I wish I could just die, so that the pain would end. I am weak, and I am pathetic and I'm sorry that I couldn't be better for you."

Billie stared at you with a look of distress on her face, torn between wanting you to stop talking and encouraging you to keep going.

"Every single day I wake up with you next to me, I can't help but think, how much longer do I have with you before you get tired of me and decide to leave? Nobody, ever in my whole fucking life has stuck around by their choice."

The tears you had been holding back started to flow down your cheeks, your voice shaky as you ranted.

"And if you are sick of me, or you don't love me anymore, then please just leave me. I don't want someone sticking around because they don't have it in them to tell me the truth. You don't have to spare my feelings, I already know I'm not enough."

The last part came out as a choked sob, the first of many as you buried your head in your bed and let the tears of frustration flow. Billie, now crying silently too, sat next to you and pulled you in her arms.

"Did it help?" she asked, "Letting it all out, I mean."

"I-I'm sorry, Bil," you sniffed into her shirt, "I didn't mean to yell at you. I just got so frustrated and scared and, I just couldn't stop. If you're mad at me now, I understand."

"Shh, I'm not mad at you, it's okay, honey. We all need to unleash some anger every once in a while. It's much better than bottling it all up, at least."

Wiping your eyes, you shook your head, "That's not an excuse, it was still wrong of me to yell at you. I'm just really sorry you had to see me like this."

"Why would me seeing a different side of you be such a bad thing?"

"Because I'm pretty sure you don't want to be with a person like me."

"Person like you?" she questioned, "Do you mean the most amazing, beautiful human ever to walk the earth?"

You shook your head adamantly, chuckling bitterly, "No, Howard, I meant a broken, over emotional little bitch who can't keep her shit together."

"Why would you think that lowly of yourself?"

"I can't be fixed, Billie!" you said, maybe a little too harshly, judging by the way the blonde flinched, "Why can't you just see that? I'm broken, way beyond the point of return, and I just, I can't live like this anymore."

"Y/N, look at me please."

Lifting your gaze to meet hers, she cupped your chin in her hand, stroking your cheek gently. "You don't need to be fixed. You are perfect exactly the way you are. Why would you want to change that?"

"There's something wrong with me, and I can't live with it knowing that, that I could hurt the ones I care about. Especially you. So if you're ever going to leave me, better to do it sooner than later."

"Sweetheart, please don't think for a second that I will ever leave you. I love you more than anything."

"Please don't leave me."

"I will be here for you. Always."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

wc : 1154