Exposed. || swritess_

Victory

"What am I supposed to do?"

"Just tell her you can't do it."

You laughed dryly. "How? How could I tell her that?"

Maz had called you in to her office yesterday to give you a new topic she wanted covered. Normally, you'd be eager to take on any project, especially when Maz had specially chosen you to write it.

You'd sat down in front of her desk, waiting to hear the pitch. When you did, you wanted to crawl into a hole and never come out.

She wanted you to cover the First Order's project.

Nearly three weeks had come and gone since you'd run into Ren at the gala with Finn. In your complete and total naivety, you'd actually thought you were done with him. With Ren, with the First Order. All of it.

Poe sighed, chewing on his lip thoughtfully. You groaned and leaned back in your seat. There was pretty much no way out of this.

"Here's an idea," Poe announced. "Why don't you suggest someone else for the piece?"

"That just shows a lack of initiative," you replied. "So next time a major piece comes up that I actually want, Maz isn't going to consider me for it."

"Got a point there," he muttered, spinning the straw in his drink. "Could you just turn down the piece and explain why? That way she'll know it's not a lack of initiative."

You had to laugh. "What am I supposed to tell her? Yeah, unfortunately I can't take this piece because last time I covered the First Order, I fucked the CEO of the company and then accidentally pursued a relationship with him, fell in love with the guy and then stopped seeing him."

You paused to take a breath while Poe grimaced. "Oh, and I'd have to mention that this all started because I, in my investigative genius, stole from the First Order and got caught and somewhat blackmailed."

You grabbed your glass and drained the rest of your cocktail.

Poe sighed in defeat. "Yeah, you can't do that."

Shit.

If the situation wasn't so uncomfortable, you might've found this funny. Back in the fall, you'd been over the moon when you were given the chance to write about the First Order. Now it just felt like some cruel joke.

You let out a deep, exasperated breath and glanced around the bar, watching it grow increasingly more crowded as people trickled in. Many of them were like you and Poe - freshly off work, grabbing a drink with a friend and coworker. Only you hoped that these other people didn't feel as miserable as you did.

The worst part was, you couldn't really blame your misery on Kylo. You couldn't be mad at him for not loving you, leveling criminal charges against his feelings. You couldn't be mad at someone for not returning affection; you certainly couldn't hate them.

But even if Kylo did something that would earn him your hatred, you weren't sure you could. You'd certainly tried to hate him, but it was useless. It was fighting a war with no opposing sides, no victory in site. And if there was a victory, it was a truly empty one.

You looked back to Poe. He was already studying you from his side of the red-leathered booth. You were certain that Poe already knew what you were thinking before you spoke - he'd always had that ability with you. But you spoke the words anyways, even if he already expected it.

"You told me not to fall for him and I did anyways," you mumbled. "I didn't listen and look what happened."

He sighed. "I know I said that but you can't always help what you feel," he replied. "It's a good and bad thing that our feelings tend to do what they want."