CRASH ➳ jhs ✓

thirty.

months had gone by since your passing. ironically, my graduation was two days after prom. things were still a bit upsetting for mom, dad and i. we tried to make the best out of the day as much as we could, but it wasn't enough to stop the sadness we all felt. i'll always remember that feeling i got in my stomach when i accepted my diploma, looking into the crowd and seeing the empty seat beside mom. that seat was for you, you should've been there.

but you weren't

about two weeks after graduation was your funeral, and holy shit, that was painful. i don't think i've ever cried more in my life. thankfully, the guys, jimin and saerin were there to help me get through it. they tried the best they could but it still hurt a lot to know you were officially dead. jimin and i decided to tell mom and dad about everything you told us. we told them what was happening at school, how ryujin treated you, what yoongi did to you and even how you felt about them and me. mom started to cry when we told her and dad simply put his head down in shame.

all of the things you said to me that day at my party were the same things i repeated to mom and dad. i told them every single word you said, every emotion you poured out to me. they didn't fully realize the weight of their actions until mom was cleaning your room, seeing an opened letter from Berkeley. when mom read it, she cried for hours. they received all of your portfolios and paintings and gave you a full time scholarship. it was your acceptance letter, the letter you were trying so desperately for mom and dad to acknowledge. if only they knew, then maybe, you could've experienced all the wonderful things Berkeley would've offered you.

dad decided to take yoongi to court for what he did to you. to our luck, he ended up getting sent to jail for attempted rape and assault. there was no way he could've won. after all, we had all the evidence stacked against him. a prick like that deserves to rot in that jail cell.

this summer was pretty rough and not at all what i was expecting. i spent most of the time grieving and hanging out with my friends. it was a slow but meaningful process. over time, i slowly went from crying at photos of you to reminiscing at photos of you. all of my grieving took up most of the time i had during summer. by the time i knew it, i was getting ready to go to college.

i placed my last suitcase in the car, gently shutting the trunk of the car. i walked towards mom and dad, who stood outside watching me.

"so, you've got about an hour before you leave. got any last minute plans?" dad questioned.

"i kinda wanna visit minji before i go," i explained, a weak smile forming on mom's lips.

she stepped closer, engulfing me in a hug, "go ahead, take as much time as you need. we'll be here waiting for you when you come back."

i nodded, releasing her. i walked to the car, entering the driver's seat before driving off. i leaned back against the seat, the summer breeze escaping through the open window. after a while of driving, i pulling to the side of the road, staring at the destination ahead of me. i parked the car, exiting the vehicle. i walked towards the entrance of the field, walking along the graveled pathway. i continued to walk, smiling at the other people who were visiting. my pace slowly came to a halt, my footsteps stopping in front of you. i looked down at you, smiling at the sight.

"hey, minji." i greeted, taking a seat in front of you. "how have you been?"

my eyes trailed over the engraved letters on the tombstone, the letters spelling out your name. i sighed, chuckling, "i hope you're doing okay, wherever you are. you deserve to be somewhere better than here, angels like you don't deserve the shitty treatment you got here."

"anyways, it's august now. you probably would've known if you were still here but i leave for college today. i had an hour before my flight so i decided to come visit you. i didn't want to leave without a proper goodbye. besides, it's always nice to see you."

and just like that, i went on and on about various things. it was almost like you weren't dead, like you were alive and listening to every word i said. talking with you felt like you were really in front of me, admiring all of the things i had to say. i wish you could answer my questions or comment on the things i say. if only you were really there, i'd want nothing more.

i sighed, smiling weakly, "i miss you a lot, minji. i'm getting a lot better. i don't cry that often at your passing anymore. it still hurts but i'm learning to accept it. i'll always love you, no matter where you are. if only i could see you in person before i go, i'd kill to see you one last time. i always think of you, and i always will."

"i promise i'll come back soon," i finished, standing up from my spot on the ground. i reached into my pocket, pulling out a small container of banana milk. i placed it next to your grave, smiling weakly.

"i love you, minji."

i stared at her grave for a little longer, taking in a deep breath before i walked down the gravel path, her burial growing farther and farther. i reached the entrance of the cemetery, turning around to stare at the large, metal gates.

i could never hate you for what you did, no matter how much it hurt me. if anything, the person i was angry with the most was myself. it was me that could have stepped up to do something. but life puts things the way they are for a reason, a reason that no one knows. if i could go back and change it all, i certainly would. yet even if i did, it wouldn't necessarily ensure that you would still be alive or that everything would go back to normal. wherever you are, you are in a better place. after all that's happened, you deserve to find happiness.

it'll be a long time until we see each other again, so wait for me, okay?

sincerely,

your brother, hoseok