Philophobia//Ziam

>>18<<

Liam grabs Zayn by the waist and pulls him close. closer then they've ever been before but before Zayn can even process what is happening little own response Liam smashes his lips on to Zayn's

Zayn is shocked for a minute but after a few seconds starts moving his lips along with liam's his kissed manny people but no one like this there is enough electricy running through his body now to power this whole building or at least thats what it feels like 

Liam tastes sweet like a cherry bubblegum and slightly salty which Zayn assumes is from tears and before he knows it liam rubs his tounge over his bottom lip asking for entrce which Zayn gladly accepts opening his mouth to  let liams tongue search every last nook and cranny in Zayns  mouth  and Zayn hums in pleasure when liam starts to suck his tongue

But then as quickly as it started it finished liam pulled away slowly and then countue to walk out of the room and it felt like someone had just unplugged him he felt drained he had no energy he was so confused and he felt strangly alone a feeling he has never felt before 

he decides to leave liams room and go into his room just across the hallway and he tried to fall a sleep but it was nearly impossible he kept replaying the last few  moments over and over again trying to make sense of it and trying to hold on to the test of liam for as long he could and the really loud moans from the room next to him wasn't helping him ether but eventually he fell asleep

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Liam was also trying to process what just happened  over the whole day he wasn't mad and angry at Louis and Niall as he should be because the session actually helped and he was almost looking forward to next week but he had no clue what to say to louis and Niall so he decided on nothing which he knows probably hurt them more he thinks

But the thing he is thinking the most about the most is his kiss with Zayn he hasn't kissed anyone in almost 3  years and yet looking at Zayn coming in his room with caring and understanding look on his face made him feel something like he wanted to kiss him

it was like his head and heart were aguring his head told him not to do it not to fall not to kiss him while his heart was telling him to do telling him its ok if you like  him and in the  end his heart won somehow

The strange thing is during the kiss was he didn't feel his philophobia kissing him made him feel like there was no problems in this world there was no other people in the world the kiss felt better then any kiss he had expriced with Danielle

But as he pulled away for air it all came crashing down on him like a ton of bricks the voice in his head came back telling him things about how he shouldn't have done that and how his just going to end up hurt and he started sweating and his breathe got caught in his throat

He didn't know what to do so he is going but someone he ended up at the park it was almost midnight and there was next to no-one there so he just sits and thinks

that was the best kiss his ever had and yet he wishes it never happened but also wants to walk back home and make out with him for hours its so confusing and he hates it maybe the therapist was a good Idea after all he thinks to him self its nice being able to talk to someone who doesn't know you

he thinks back to when he told his parents he had philophobia his dad laughed in his face and called him a whimp saying that he was a poor exuse for a human while his mum cried for like an hour

He never got the chance to tell his mum he was  Gay but he was sure reaction would be simaler and he never needed and never will need to tell his dad knowing that his reaction could be catastrophic

He gives up on thinking and walks home he sees zayns jacket on the coat rack at the front door and decides he should probably write him a little note he walks into the kitchen and takes out a pen and a piece of paper and goes to sit at the dining room table and starts to right

Dear Zayn,
I am sorry about kissing you and then living you i guess you are pretty confused huh, the truth is i like you iv'e always liked you i think but I've been so petrified of  letting my self it sucks having philophobia and I really hope  that one day I'll be able to overcome it

kissing you was so perfect i didn't even think about my philophobia while we kissed but as soon as I pulled away it crashed down on me like a shit ton of bricks and i freacked out over the idea again and the feeling

in conculison I'm sorry I kissed you but i don't regret it as much as I thought i would i mean i haven't kissed someone in close to 3 years but I still have philophobia and that properly wont  change for a while and hope this doesn't make things awkrawd between us

kind regards

Liam
          oo

he sighs as signs the letter before getting up folding it in half and putting it in Zayns jacket poket hoping that he finds it tomorrow

before walking to the bathroom to have a shower before going to his bedroom and going to sleep or stare at the ceiling hoping that everything  will work out