Beyond The Broken Glass3: Finally Mended [complete]

39.) A Just Feeling

"I know you're trying to straighten everything out, but these trips are becoming too frequent," I told him as I lay across the bed. My body air drying after a shower. He was in nothing but his underwear, wiping the remaining water off of his skin.

After he dropped the kids off at school he came home and we did things that adults do when children aren't present. Still, he thinks that his sex is so good that it can throw off my mind track. I was still about to press him about his next trip.

He told me this was urgent and that it couldn't wait but I feel like he says that about every trip. He was throwing clothes in a duffle bag and talking on his phone with Drew, who I assumed would be accompanying him on this trip.

"Hello?" I said as I sat up completely. "You aren't even listening."

"I'm listening baby damn. Gimme a second." He said suddenly pecking me on my forehead. "Yeah, Drew we need to make this shit quick. Tell Ammon I'll meet him at the halfway mark."

I sighed and shook my head. I don't know what it is but this time around there was a bad feeling in my stomach. Usually, when he goes on a trip with Ralph I don't get so anxious. now I can't seem to calm myself. I finally stood up and trailed over to my side of the dresser and took out some undergarments to put on as well as a sundress. I oiled myself down and was pulling the dress over my head when he swiftly popped me on my behind.

I spun around to see him with his phone trapped between his shoulder and ear. A blue box in his hand. He placed it in my hand and then put his phone down.

"This for you."

He opened it, The sight of it caught me off guard. Shining as bright as the sun was a rose gold diamond necklace. He lifted it in his hands and motioned for me to turn around. I obliged and allowed him to secure it around my neck.

"It's beautiful," I told him as I admired it in the mirror.

"It ain't a dream house or nothing like that. but you deserve it. Also—"

"My dream house is wherever you and our kids are," I told him as I gazed at him from the mirror. A big house, a new car, and an amazing school for the children always seemed like such ideal things in life. but literally, when your life has been filled with so much chaos you learn to be content with things such as just simply being together.

"The fact that we so content now with what we have is crazy." He chuckled and wrapped his arms around me. I was never the lavish lifestyle type of chick. I mean yeah if I had it like that then cool, but I wasn't going to kill myself working a job to achieve a rich bitch lifestyle.

"I got something else for you too." He said as he took my hand. I followed him all the way downstairs to the little room that was supposed to serve as my art studio. I never had much time to be there. I was busy taking care of the kids and the house. He grabbed the handle and pushed the door open.

Inside was large pots with larger flowers, brand new easels, and a large velvet box. This didn't even look like the same room. It was completely done up and made over.

"Notice something?" He asked.

I looked around and tried to take it all in then my eyes settled on the pictures on the walls. My breath caught in my chest as my eyes filled with joyful tears.

"My paintings—How did you even do this?"

My old paintings. Every single one that I had ever done over the years. Every time that we were tracked we had to rush and pack, I had to leave so many of them behind. Now here they are. The one I had painted of my mama and Kyra from memory, The painting of the dragon and the flowers: that one reminded me to be fierce and beautiful. And one that I started but never finished.

It was when me and Brandon started dating. I started a painting that expressed how I felt about him. I never got to finish because everything went horribly wrong. My family started falling apart, I started losing myself, I start losing friends and so my passions withered away.

"Is that me?"

"Yeah," I answered him as I placed my hands on my hips. "You were an asshole then. That's why the patterns are so sporadic and the colors are dark."

"Hmm." He scoffed followed by a slight grin. but it was true though, and no one understood why I was so infatuated with him, funny thing is I didn't know either. He was so secretive and cold. But there was never a time I didn't feel safe around him. "So if you were to start a new one—what would it look like?"

It wouldn't look the same as the one I started. It would be a representation of his growth, his strength, and his courage. He's done a lot to better himself, he's done a lot to protect us. He was nowhere near perfect but he was amazing and his journey is enough to the point where he earned a standing ovation.

"It wouldn't look the same," I mumbled as I walked closer to him. I stood just in front of him. I gazed longingly into his light green orbs that sometimes went dark. To a person standing by he seemed so content, but to me, I could see the tiredness, I could see the pain in his green eyes. I could see the anger. He had witnessed some things that would bring even the strongest people to their knees.

I stretched my hand up to touch his face. I kissed him on his lips and just watched as his face turned soft.

"I know things have been hard for you. Trying to tie up all the loose ends so that we can be okay. I appreciate you for being so strong and so willing to give us a peaceful life. But I'm—" My voice cracked then and the tears that rimmed my eyes burned as they spilled over onto reality. "I'm scared."

"Scared of what?"

"I just have a really bad feeling about this," I admitted. His breath hit my face as he exhaled harshly, he took my hands and removed them from his face. I could feel the energy between us making an unwanted shift. He took a step back and placed himself on a stool that was too far from where we were just standing. Too far from me.

"I don't need to hear that right now. I'm so for real Bri." He dug his nails into his face as he scratched. He dropped his head and folded his arms. When he looked at me again his face was hard. "I already feel weird but now you feelin' weird and I can't stomach that."

"I'm sorry. I—I didn't mean—I wasn't trying to scare you."

Although I didn't have the details of all of his trips other than he was trying to locate the deeds to his lots I didn't know exactly what he was doing when he wasn't with me. I played with my engagement ring and tried to avoid eye contact. My heart was heavy right now and I honestly don't want him to leave.

"Look—shit is so close to being okay for us." He said as he reached out for me. I placed myself in his arms and laid my head on his shoulder.

While he willingly held me in his arms, he softly kissed my temple. "I just need you to hold it down just a little longer. All them feelings you havin'—Imma need you to redirect them. Think about how good you gone look in that dress when I get back."

I closed my eyes and envisioned the day. Me walking down the aisle, him at the end waiting for me. Our kids there and our newfound family. It doesn't look the way I imagined it when I was younger. In this updated vision, my daddy wasn't here to walk me down the aisle, nor was Kyra my maid of honor, and my mother wasn't there to shed tears of joy. This is so fucked up.