Sakura Eyes

Chapter 74

The tense atmosphere after our unfinished conversation only got worse when we realized we only had one blanket and one pillow with one tent. Justin immediately suggested for me to rest, but I squashed his offer and ordered him to get in.

I shoved him inside and kicked him down into a sleeping position. Sitting down besides him, I folded my arms and closed my eyes.

We accompanied each other in silence, listening to the harsh wind blowing outside. Not until did I hear a deep rhythmic breathing coming from Justin did I open my eyes.

I didn't expect him to fall asleep so quickly; I always noticed him tossing and turning and waking up at the slightest sounds.

Staring at his sleeping face, I drew my knees up to my chest and exhaled. Now that I could sit down and think about our conversation, I could feel an uneasy wave of emotions wash over me again.

It's not like I was surprised by Justin's answer; I was just angry.

I'd always pondered about each of the member's objective for going on such a dangerous journey. Tristan told me his, and everyone was there to witness Catherine's reason.

And while Yuri's motive is still ambiguous, I always had a gut feeling about Justin's goal. From the very first meeting with Guren, the black malice Justin was emitting was something only the ones with deep, truthful hate could ooze out like that. 

I suddenly found myself reminiscing the time Justin snapped at me back at the hideout to stop moping around. I remembered him staring down at me with pity and anger in his eyes.

Now that I think about, his words and eyes didn't really seem like they were directed to me, but rather someone else. Someone like—

"Ugh..." I glanced over at Justin to see him shift over on his side. His hair fell above his eyes as he moved, and instinctively, I reached out to brush his bangs away.

My hand stopped as my fingers grazed his hair. I became painfully aware of my heartbeat and retracted my hand.

I wasn't the brightest person, but I don't think it takes a genius to realize this feeling.

Maybe because this feeling was so foreign to me, I refused to face the reality of it, but I don't think that's possible anymore. 

I sat there, stunned at my thoughts and suddenly broke into an incredulous smile.

Shaking my head, I buried my face into my hands. Well, just because I finally realized what I was feeling doesn't mean I have to act on it. More like, I can't act on it.

It wasn't just about how unstable both Justin and I were as individuals, but will we even stay together after this is over was the question. I hated to admit it, but Justin was right to a degree.

Everyone was only together because we had the same goal. Once that was completed, everyone is going to go on their separate ways. After our conversation just now, I knew Justin was just planning on dropping out after he was done with Guren.

If I acted my feelings on him, I wouldn't be able to chase the guilt within me for the rest of my life. Looking at him now, he doesn't even see worth in his own existence. 

If I were to confess and somehow by a miracle, he reciprocated the same feelings back, could I say with full certainty that he wasn't going to end up too dependent on me? What if something happened to me, and that was his last straw? 

Before anything, I needed to make sure he could stand up on his own without depending or letting something take over his life.

I turned my eyes towards Justin again and felt my heart tug. Still, a part of me wanted him to depend on me. I wanted to embrace him and listen to all the burdens he had been carrying for his whole life.