Leave {z.m.}

Fifty One

"I don't know how to be myself anymore. I was myself with you. I know that you can't just visit like you used to. I just wish I knew how you were doing. Where are you? What's it like there? Can you see me?" I paused and the basin of tears that were my eyes flickered to the raindrops beating on the window, as if they were trying to come inside and gather with the puddle of tears on the wooden tabletop beneath my chin. "You probably aren't listening, and even if you were, I know what you'd say. You would say that I'm sitting here crying over nothing."

"It was your time to go and I should get over it already. It's been a year after all." I sucked in my breath and waited. Waited for a sign or something. A sign that wouldn't reveal itself. "Please. I beg of you. Zayn Malik, I need you to come back to me." My voice was scratchy after hours of crying. I should've been sleeping away my mistakes after the bar last night, but I ended up here.

Calling a phone that would never be answered. What have I become? I swore that I would not base my life on being with someone. I was strong on my own. I had my own dreams and goals without him. I cannot stop wishing for more time. I try to get through every day, avoiding thinking of him yet thinking of him even more.

He was the first man, besides my father, that I had ever learned to love. I wouldn't let that reality slip away so easily. "Addie, it's five in the morning. Why are you up so early?" Niall grumbled as he entered the kitchen. He rubbed his eyes and yawned while stretching. I hung up the call and sighed.

"I don't understand how you could get up this early. Our flight isn't until noon. We don't have to leave here until maybe nine," Niall reminded me, though the reminder wasn't necessary. "I didn't wake up early," I replied, pushing strands of hair away from my eyes. "Doesn't seem that way," Niall smiled in lighthearted manner. "I never went to sleep. Maybe for an hour, but I couldn't take much more after that," I informed him as I watched him with a sleepy gaze.

"Oh god, Addie," Niall whispered to himself. "I need him. I need him back. Kissing that stranger made me realize how much I need him. I am still in love with him, and I always will be," I explained with a bleeding heart. "You haven't allowed yourself to open up to others," Niall pointed out timidly. "I have no interest in doing so," I shot back immediately, regretting doing so afterwards.

Just like I regretted that kiss. It was even more than a kiss too. I feel like I cheated on Zayn. It doesn't even matter that he's possibly in Dupa Moarte. I prayed that he didn't witness the whole scene, but I may never find out if he actually did or not. I keep saying that I'll get him back but until I actually go through with my plan, it's just another idea floating around without real meaning.

"I think you should try to get at least another hour of sleep. I'll wake you up at eight in case you do sleep for three more hours," Niall suggested thoughtfully as he patted my back in slow, soft rhythms. "I don't know if I can. I'm tired but it's impossible to sleep right now," I replied bleakly, moving away from him as I stood up.

"I feel like you're going in circles. You keep waiting for the end to change even though you know where all of this will take you. Someday you'll have to tell yourself 'don't look back'," he remarked sheepishly. I decided to let it be and not bother saying anything, because he was right. Zayn spent the majority of his life (and afterlife) leaving people. It was what he did best, and he couldn't help it. I had to accept it eventually.

* * * * * *

"There's only twenty minutes until we can begin boarding the plane and he still isn't here yet," I complained angrily. I hadn't seen Harry since yesterday, before the bar, when he told me that he had changed. It was obvious that he had changed, but I wish I knew what he meant by it. I wish he would confide in me or, at the very least, trust me with some of it.

"He has to know that I want to help him," I sighed and Niall gave me a simple nod. "I was summoned?" Harry's voice appeared beside my ear within a second of my words and I flinched. "Speak of the devil. Literally," Niall muttered and Harry shot a smirk at him, making me even more uncomfortable.

"Boarding actually begins in fifty-one minutes, but nice try," he corrected me and I was too weirded out to care that he was being a jerk. He hears everything now. "Right," he stated before pulling a cigarette out of his coat pocket. "Uh, since when do you smoke?" I criticized instantly with disgust. "Since now," he shrugged and a lighter danced between his fingers as well.

"You can't smoke in an airport. You shouldn't even be smoking at all. Do you know how distasteful, abysmal, and demoralizing that is?" I reprimanded. "Should we talk to Anne?" Niall questioned, and Harry sneered at him. "You think calling my mommy is going to change anything? I will do what I want, where I want, how I want, when I want without your unwelcome two cents," Harry fumed.

"Just shut up. You're giving me a headache," I snapped before glancing down to the screen of my phone. I tapped on my iMessage conversation with Cecilia and hesitated. Being in Ireland without being able to see her would kill me. Why do I still have her number? I exited the dead conversation and scrolled through the contacts in my phone. My family. My friends. They were all still there. I thought I had deleted them, but I guess I couldn't bring myself to.

I thought about them all the time, about as often as I thought about Zayn. I never imagined losing my family and closest friends; it hurt like hell, but I knew I was protecting them from Gemma. She couldn't know about them. It'll never get easier, knowing that they're out there living their lives without a single memory of me. I wish I could change it back, but that's not an option.

"It's because you're weak. You can't even bring your dead boyfriend back," Harry noted and I seriously considered punching him in the face. I didn't know what this whole mind-reading ordeal was about, but I needed to find out soon. It couldn't go on forever.

The hour waiting for the plane boarding to commence dragged on, but it was eventually time. My only carry-on item was a lightweight purse full of my phone, wallet, earphones, and a pack of gum. This flight was definitely going to be a long one. Harry snatched the window seat, and I decided that sitting in between him and Niall would be better than hearing them bicker the entire time beside me.

"Mind if I have a piece?" Harry questioned thoughtfully and it surprised me in a superstitious way. "Sure," I replied awkwardly, reaching into my purse for my gum. I handed the pack over to him, knowing that with my luck, I'd probably drop the whole thing and ultimately waste the two pounds I paid for it.

"I think I'll just sleep for a bit," Niall mumbled in my ear before he closed his eyes, lashes softly brushing against his cheek. "Ever wonder what would happen if this plane crashed into the ocean on the way there?" Harry asked nonchalantly. I could almost laugh at how casual his tone was. Almost being the key word. It honestly freaked me out.

"No, I've not wondered that before," I replied, hoping that this conversation would come to an end. "You should though," he warned, with an eccentric gleam in his emerald eyes. "And why is that?"

"Because I have a feeling it will."