who are you? || taegyu || completed

~the confession pt.2~

"I was given this job the day I met you. At lunch, Yeonjun Hyung came in and asked me to paint this mural for the school-"

"Wait," a tiny voice immediately interrupted. "Hyung knew?"

"Don't get mad at him, let me explain," Beomgyu pleaded, "he asked me to paint this but I, at first, answered no. After all, why would I? I was that invisible boy in the back of the classroom who thought he sucked at art, so I thought the answer was obvious. But then, when Hyung said he was going to ask the best artist he knew, which was me, I had a surge of tiny confidence and decided to do it... but I had conditions. These conditions were definitely not fair to him but I laid them out anyway. The first one was that I had to be able to paint at night instead of at lunch in front of people and the second one was that no one would know it was me doing it. Now, later, after Soobin Hyung and he got together I told him he could tell his boyfriend-"

"Soobin Hyung knew?!"

"But he said no," Beomgyu whispered, glancing at Taehyun. "He said he wouldn't tell him because he thought it wouldn't be fair for Soobin to have to keep the secret and he knew I wouldn't like him knowing in general. But, anyway, I met you guys that night and everyone began to hang out but, honestly, I didn't know you. Like... you three were strangers to me. I only knew Yeonjun. So I didn't even think about telling you. Why tell a stranger I didn't know? Why would they care and why would I want their eyes on me?

"But then, that first night I got your note. I recognized the words we shot back and forth at lunch and honestly I got so excited. I... I loved that you wrote me those words, so I wrote back. I considered telling you then. It may not seem like it but I hated lying to you and I hated hiding what I was doing.

"But... then I began to hear talk. Not just from you and Kai and Soobin Hyung, but the students too. I didn't care much about the other people but I listened hard to what you four said. As more days came on, I felt like everyone talked about this amazing mystery artist that was incredibly talented and completely flawless. I felt as if this perfect being was woven into every conversation... and I was scared. I was scared to see the disappointment on you guys' faces when you learned it was me, I was scared that no one would believe me, and I was scared to let you down. I didn't want to seem fake but I knew I couldn't live up to this expectation that had arisen. I... Taehyun, I'm not that deep in person. You know that. I'm not even that good at talking with Yeonjun and he's my best friend. I'm... I was only like that with you and that was a whole new thing. I didn't know what was happening.

"I'm not good with words, I guess... but I knew I didn't want to suddenly tear this new connection away from you. You always got so excited when talking about this unknown person you could talk to and I didn't want to steal that away. Even more, Selfishly perhaps, I didn't want to tear that away from me. I had never had that kind of relationship with anybody. It was new and it was beautiful. Sure I was terrified of you figuring it out cause damn, you're brilliant, but I genuinely loved talking to you.

"But then... and, just to lay this out there, I'm not blaming you or anyone for how I felt or how I reacted. It's not your fault- it's completely mine and I take full responsibility for my emotions and thoughts and insecurities... But anyway... then you started to talk about this mystery artist more and more. And suddenly I felt as if this giant image of this perfect, unreachable person was painted. One that I couldn't copy onto myself. I felt inferior to my own persona and suddenly I was not... not good enough? All you guys talked about was this perfect person when the inferior side was sitting right in front of you... and honestly, I grew jealous.

"...I grew jealous because," and at this point, Beomgyu hesitated, his voice faltering more than it already was. "Because I liked you," he whispered. The artist waited for a response but he got none, so he continued, almost relieved at the absence of words. "I liked you and I thought that I couldn't live up to this persona of me. You would be disappointed and I would be heartbroken... so I hid. I never told you or anyone else. I kept the secret of me being this amazing artist locked so deep in my chest that it became almost a separate entity. I wasn't this confident, wise, incredible person. I was... me. And that wasn't enough." Beomgyu finished with a sigh, bringing his head off the concrete wall and lowering it to where his gaze rested on his lap. "So I just... didn't tell you. And that was it." He waited for a response this time, silence wrapping the two boys in its strangely comforting but cold embrace.