Happiness Doesn't Wait

Blake

I look down at the message that Abi sent to me. I don't respond back but her words comfort me. I'm too scared to break in front of her. I'm scared to think of this hard process. My mother is at her house now, but she is so weak. She tries to smile and hide her pain, but it's unbearable. I wish I can be in her place. She doesn't deserve this. I do.

But she tells me to go to work despite how much I insist to stay. I keep getting out early just in case she needs anything. I'm afraid she could faint again and hurt herself. I also have to think of her chemotherapy. She's too weak for it now. But she will have to do it eventually. Luckily, I have Clarke up my corner and even Amy tells me she will look after her whenever she is on her shifts. Their kindness only makes my heart melt and I hide myself away from the world. Just like I did with my father's death.

Yet today, it seems more gray for me. My mother starts chemotherapy today. I enter the restaurant with a drag and I close myself in my office. Ryan knows about my mother and he comes sometimes to comfort me. But none of it compares to the only person capable to make me feel better.

I don't understand why I'm like this. I miss her. I want her touch. Perhaps my fear to break stops me from calling her. From running into her warm arms. But as I sit down at my desk, I hug myself from the sudden chills the room carries. Tears start to fall and a soft sob escapes my lips. Why? Why her? My mother talks to God so many times. So my heart does the same after so many years later.

She talks to you. Why can't you protect her? She's such a faithful believer! Why did you give it to her?!

I know He won't respond. He's never responded to me before. I don't understand the relationship my mother keeps telling me she has with Him if He allows her to go through all this pain.

I wipe my tears and go back to where I left off yesterday. Along with the paperwork from this place, I mix in my bills and future bills. It will be a lot of money to owe once my mother finishes her first round of chemo. But I don't want to worry her. I shove all of my fear, despair, and anger deep down so she doesn't have to worry more than she has to.

A light knock comes from behind me and I don't turn around. I angrily mumble, "What is it?"

"I'm sorry." My heart skips a beat to the sweetness of her voice. I immediately regret the tone I used and I turn around to see her standing there. The tone in my voice left her hesitant in whether she should come in.

But I listen to my heart as it yearns for her. So I give her a weak smile and say, "I thought you were someone else. Come on in."

"Are you sure?"

Yes. I'm very sure. I just want you. I give her a nod and she gently comes over to run a hand across my shoulders. I let my heart sigh with relief at her touch and I close my eyes as her lips touch my cheeks.

"How are you feeling, baby?"

"I'm exhausted," I mumble.

She puts a light kiss on my head and runs her tender fingers through my hair. "Then why don't you take a break today and get some rest?"

"No," I say. "I have things to do." I sit up straighter now and go back to the piles of folders around me. I don't even want to look at another paper.

Abi quietly watches me continue on with these papers. She keeps her hand on my back and that's enough to give me strength. But then she softly says, "You need to take a break."

Something within me just breaks and I abruptly throw my pen across my desk. "I don't want to take a break!"

I quickly shake myself out of my anger when I see her take a scared step back. The shock on her face only makes my lips quiver. I take a deep breath and put my hands on my eyes. I try to push back my tears as I take quivering breaths. "I don't want to stop or else I'll....I'll break." My voice is softer than a whisper, but Abi can hear the deepest and lowest whispers of my heart.

She kneels by my side so she could look up at me. She puts a sad hand on mine and this lets out the sob I've been holding in these past few weeks. Abi gently takes me in her arms and I hug her tighter. I hold her tighter; afraid that I'll lose her, too. She rubs her hand on my back and says things to my ear, but the sound of her voice is the only thing I need to comfort me.

When I gently let go, I take deep breaths and she tenderly wipes my tears away. My vision clears to see her small smile. So sweet. So pure. It's the only reason why I will only have eyes for her.

Her hand gently takes my cheek and her thumb rubs at my chin. She puts a soft kiss on my lips and it's enough to finally calm down my nervous heart.

"She starts today," I whisper to her. "She starts chemo."

"She is strong," Abi says to me. "You are the reflection of her strength and courage."

"I'm scared that...."

Tears start to fall out again and Abi quickly wipes them away. "She's not alone, Blake. She has the best doctors. I'll be there for her. And most importantly, you will be there for her."

"What if I'm not enough?" The biggest question I've had all my life. Not only for my mother but in every aspect of my life. I always thought my father split with my mother because we weren't enough for his happiness.

But Abi puts a gentle kiss on my lips again and smiles. "To those that love you.....you are more than enough..."

"Do you love me?"

Abi gives me that smile that can heal any heart. A playful shine runs through her eyes as she says, "I do love you, my chef. But only because you make me food. I have the full package there."

I laugh loudly at this and my heart starts to feel better. I take her again and kiss her long and sweetly. I don't care who sees us. I don't care of sickness or death. Nothing will pull us apart. Not anymore. I won't fall for the same mistake again.

So I close the folder that was in front of me and let her comfort me. I put an arm around her shoulders and guide her towards the exit.

"Where are we going?" she says as she looks back at my messy desk.

"I thought I could use a break. But I won't have one unless it's with you." Abi looks up at me and blushes. She puts a hand on my chest and tip toes to give me a kiss. "Where to?" I say to her as we step out.

"But I have to work. I was just going to--"

"No. No," I say; waving her words away. "I'm your boss. Take advantage of that."

"But what will Ryan say?"

"Don't worry about him. I know how to talk to him. Now where to, my love?"

Abi's eyes shine recklessly and her smile is wider than ever. She playfully says, "I'm craving for some tacos."

"Tacos?"

"Yes. Fish tacos."

I laugh at this and say, "Okay. Fish tacos it is." Abi does a small gesture of celebration and I bring her closer to me before she slips away.