Where I'd Gone ⌲ River Phoenix ((COMPLETED))

Desperate

May 12, 1986

Stand By Me production was wrapping up, and I've never been more excited to get off a film.

I went into my clothes corner again and straightened them out for about 15 minutes. The last scene was the Goodbye to Childhood scene. It was a pretty saddening scene, I think it will hurt the viewers more than it's initially intended to.

After Chris waved goodbye, he faded off into the distance, and the scene was finished. "And... Cut!" The lights flashed off and I exited out to the trailers.

I found River and Corey chatting, but I didn't join them. I went into my trailer to get my extra makeup off that they put on me for no reason. I looked out my window to see River was unusually excited, he was practically jumping around everywhere.

I watched as he startled one person to the next with his sudden yelp. I wasn't sure what he was so excited about, and I was getting anxious not knowing. I quickly got out of my trailer and put my hair up in a messy ponytail.

"Hey, River!" I yelled out.

"Chris!" He sprinted towards me and I was scared that he'd run into me.

"Woah, woah, calm down." His hair was messy.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Let's just say I'm not Mr. Second Virginity anymore," my eyes widened as he winked at me.

"What do you mean? Are you Mr. Third Virginity?"

"Haha real funny," he scoffed with a sarcastic tone. "No, but it happened! It finally happened!" He gave me a broad smile.

"Don't tell me it's what I think you mean,"

"That doesn't make much sense, but IT happened."

"Oh god, River you're 15."

"Hey, the first time I was 4." He put his hands on his hips.

"That's nothing to be bragging about." I laughed.

"I didn't have a choice okay? The cult was corrupt. It just wasn't a good environment." His green eyes turned into a sad sapphire.

"I'm sorry," I admitted.

"It's all good Chris."

"So tell me what went down," I said.

"It was in a tent with an 18-year old," My jaw dropped as he finished the sentence. "But don't worry, the feelings were mutual... Even my parents helped set it up." He smirked.

"You're still way too young man."

"I don't know, I felt I was ready." He shrugged. My feelings plummeted for him. Probably due to the fact that he was excited about sex at 15.

I didn't realize until now that sex was all River talked about. Through the rest of the shooting, conversation started to get boring since that was the only topic. I avoided talking to River the rest of the day because I was partially annoyed.

I didn't want to tell him though, he was so excited. It was like telling a kid they're adopted.

May 19, 1986

A week has passed since that whole virginity thing with River, and he's been calling me more and more about his relationship with Martha.

He called me up again to tell me more.

R: I don't know what I'm doing Chris.

He sounded desperate in a way.

C: What are you doing?

R: ... I might love her

C: Love who?

I knew exactly who.

R: Martha. She said she loved me, but I didn't say anything back.

C: Why didn't you didn't say it back?

R: I don't know, but I didn't think I loved her, I couldn't just say it. I'd never say or do anything unless I believed it.

C: So you can have sex with a friend but you can't say I love you to someone you actually love?

R: It's not that easy. She's rushing things, and I feel like it's too soon.

C: But do you love her?

R: ... I don't know, yeah, maybe.

C: Then tell her.

My heart sank into my stomach. It hurts watching someone you love, love someone else.

R: I guess yeah. Thanks, Chris.

He hung up before I could say 'you're welcome'.

June 3, 1986

River had been gone to finish up filming during the rest of May. I was getting everything ready for my Sophomore year in high school. It felt weird going back. I haven't seen or talked to any of my childhood friends in a year, they probably think I have changed so much, but for the better? I'm not sure. Tragedy changes you. 

On a side note, I actually got my learner's permit! I was beyond happy that I didn't have to go to school in a police car. Thanks anyway, John.