Where I'd Gone ⌲ River Phoenix ((COMPLETED))

Halloween Part 3

September 29, 1991

Life hasn't necessarily been the best this past year. River and I have cut each other off completely after Tom's death. We have not spoken a word to each other in roughly a year. It's a horrible feeling you know, watching someone you care about so much just slip right through your fingers. But unfortunately, it's a feeling I've grown to know quite well.

I've called him a few times a week, but he'd never pick up my call. I gave up on him just like I have on Danny.

I've been shutting a lot of people out these past months... I don't know, it's just easier.

Well anyway, it's now another day here in Juilliard but as a Junior. Sam has still been dating Brad, and I've still been a loner like I've always been. I've stopped brushing my hair and acknowledging personal hygiene just because of River and Danny.

Is it a sin for me to want someone to say they won't leave? That I'm worth more than being left behind?

"Hey... Hey Chris. You gotta take a shower, it's been 3 days," Sam alerted as I started to wake up. I just blankly shook my head and continued to sleep. "You gotta Chris. You're what, 21 now? You gotta live your life and get steady with a guy. There are so many cute guys out there who would surely love to get to know you."

For the first time ever, maybe Sam was right. I've always wanted a steady boyfriend more than anything; I guy who would love me for me without any setbacks or complications. I would remember in 8th grade I would be the only person not in a relationship... It really taxed my self-esteem. But the fact that I'm a Junior in college and I still don't have a boyfriend... Something doesn't seem right.

That's when I reluctantly consented, walking into the bathroom and sliding down to the floor as the water gradually heated.

The feeling of the hot water hitting my skin really felt soothing and I never wanted to get out... But my telephone would ring, and it wouldn't stop. It was ruining my relaxation.

After about 10 minutes of just ignoring it- I dried up and answered the telephone, biting my lip in suppressed anger and annoyance.

"Hello?"

R: Hey! Chris, sorry to uh. Just call out of the blue. But I- uh just had some cool news I wanted to tell you *cough* and I ugh... *cough* oh sorry, one moment.

He was completely different, every aspect of his pure and pristine voice had disappeared. Something had changed him for the worse and I knew it wasn't something I could necessarily control, or even attempt to fix.

C: God River. What the hell has happened to you?

R: What? It's not my fault that they had fucking heroin on the set! God damnit Keanu said they wouldn't but they just lied straight to my face and now here we ar-

C: I didn't ask about heroin, River.

R: What were you asking about then? Cocaine? Because I didn't bring that to the set either. One of the producers supposedly has been stashing quite a shit-load of coke bu-

C: Why did you call me?

R: I never got around to telling you about My Own Private Idaho. I took the role of a narcoleptic street hustler just for Tom. Just for our little friend in heaven.

C: That's nice really... I'm glad to hear that you've been back on your feet again. I haven't heard from you, you know.

R: God! Chris... Christine, I don't know anymore. People change not always for the better... But I love you remember? I'm just kidding actually, I don't know what love is.