Where I'd Gone ⌲ River Phoenix ((COMPLETED))

Dark Times

October 31, 1992

River's eyes looked me up and down as I came up to him. He obviously knew things were left unsaid, but hey, maybe that's just how it's supposed to be in this friendship. Ignorance is bliss.

I sat there trying to convince myself that I should stop trying to make things work with River. He's with Sam. I can't just break them apart because I suddenly want him again. But I also know, I can only take this for so much longer.

Things stayed painfully silent as we walked over to the old, beat-up car. I watched out the window feeling incredibly insecure in my Sandy from Grease costume.

I sat there and pondered over how the sound of silence is so bittersweet, even when nothing is heard - everything is seen.

"Want to listen to the radio?" River finally spoke. I nodded quietly as he slowly turned the dial. Try a Little Tenderness came on and I started thinking about Danny... and Charlie, and Drew. I had all these guys only to just mess up with them. Maybe I was the mess.

As the drive went on, I would sneak secret glances at River. His hair was shorter, yet still had the lively blonde streaks that established his keen and charming style. His cheeks were obviously sunken in; his eyes inhibiting a subtle sadness to them. Before I could go on staring into those emerald eyes of his, he suddenly spoke.

"Chris. I never wanted this night to be weird. Halloween is our day. I'm sorry if I ruined it," he said with a soft tone - staring off into the foggy street. "It's just... you deserve someone who truly loves you right now... who you love back. You deserve the kind of love one sees in the movies."

"River, how can I ever learn to love someone new when love still looks so much like you," I stated sheepishly. His eyes averted down the car wheel. It was evident that he had lost his full understanding of the subject at hand. It seemed that he could not fully comprehend the fact that things have changed - for the worse.

As we pulled up to Keanu's driveway, he quickly jumped out of the driver's seat to give me a hand out of the passenger seat. At least I know he will always be a gentleman.

When we starting walking up the long stairs, his hand grazed my waist. It was a sudden rush of euphoria for me - even the feeling of his quick touch provided me with newfound happiness I thought I had lost forever. At that moment, I wanted him, I needed him. His touch was the type of fix that I yearned for so desperately.

"Hey dudes," Keanu smile beamed. River hugged him passionately as I sat there reminiscing last year's Halloween rendezvous, maybe this one will be just as memorable. "Hey, Chris, long time bud!" I put my hand out to shake his but he instead pulled me in for a warm hug. "Let's get this party started!"

We walked into a house packed with people dancing, smoking, kissing, and just straight up having a good time. It was a house full of lust and I came with a guy who just couldn't love me.

"River," I spoke lightly, as I watched his smile grow when his eyes met mine. I slowly inched myself into him and wrapped my arms around his back. "Can I just hold you for a second," I mumbled to myself. He seemed to have heard and rested his chin on the top of my head. 

"What is it, Chris?" he said. 

"I can't keep living like this."

"Like what?"

"A life with words left unsaid," I spoke lightly as I grabbed his hand and dragged him outside to the backyard porch that seemed to be unoccupied and a quiet place to talk. I knew the second I looked in his dreamy eyes I needed us to be away from everyone and this party.

"Tell me what's on your mind." With those words, I knew I had to break down my feelings for him. Although the idea of us as a couple might be a lost cause at this point, it was worth a try. I couldn't keep going on knowing he wasn't mine - and only mine.

"I wish you knew what you mean to me, how your name plays in my head like a song on repeat when I just want to sleep at night," I said after a small pause. "You're in my veins, in my soul. I want to wake up at 2 am and roll over to your bright, beautiful face. We had the kind of love that people would die for... we are the Paul and Jane that is meant to last." He lifted his eyebrows as he watched my face go sad. He reached for my shaky hand and held it to his cheek. I knew he could feel the fire burning in my heart when I looked at him.

"Chris, the thing is... for moments at a time I swear I was over you, living without the anticipation of hearing your voice. But, then Sam said your name, how she mentioned that you met a new guy named Drew, who seemed to make your heart twirl - I knew you and I were doomed..." He spoke. I shook my head. What does that mean? "I even convinced myself I would wait for you to finally want me again... but I learned that it's hard to wait around for something you know might never happen; but it's harder to give up when..."

"When what?"

"When you know it's everything you want." When those last words filled my ears, I had finally felt like everything had come into place - like finally finding that missing puzzle piece - and we both knew it. Holding my hands in his, he pulled me closer to him into a soft but, beautiful kiss. However, this kiss was different than anyone we had ever shared before - it was based on a rash decision that might not only ruin our friendship but Sam and I's closeness as well.

But, god damn, it was all I ever needed - all I ever wanted. He was the one. 

I felt his hands comb through my hair and here we were, our bodies intertwined under the pale moonlight. It was the first kiss in a long time where feelings were mutual - no fighting, no arguing - just love. 

He then pulled apart and grabbed my hand, leading me out to the edge of the forest, and took off his denim jacket, laying it down on a bench that overlooked a waterfall. His blonde locks poked through his newly dyed black hair, and his emerald eyes gleamed underneath the stars. 

"I can't move on from you," I managed to say mid-kiss. He just chuckled and started pulling down my black leotard. 

"Tell me about it, stud," he joked, and I laughed. 

Before I knew it, we were both naked, in each other's arms. It was a delicate, but steamy session, one that was definitely needed. We had melted into each other - ending in two heavy-breathing people both very out of breath and very happy. I never thought my first time with River would happen in the forest of Keanu Reeve's house, but hey here we are. 

"God, that was nice," River huffed as he turned over to me. "I wanted to be inside of you so badly." I laughed, subsequently shushing him so no one would hear.

"You better be quiet, mister. If Keanu finds out, I'll never hear the end of it... or Sam, for that matter."

"Fuck," River muttered. "Sam's never going to forgive me for this." His eyes soon started tearing up.

"Hey, look... I know you probably still want to be with her but I hope you at least know how I feel-" He abruptly interrupted me with a wet kiss.

"Are you kidding me? Chris! Do you know how long I wanted to just be able to call you mine? Sam and I were taking a break anyway... She practically dumped me the other day when I didn't respond to her calls." He explained.

"Well, let's start over then, let's be us, every second from this moment on." He nodded and wrapped his arms around me. We then slipped back into our clothes and sat and watched the stars for the remainder of the night - surprised that no one had come out to look for us. But, I was fine with it. It was me and him. Not Paul and Jane - but River and Chris.