Where I'd Gone ⌲ River Phoenix ((COMPLETED))

Bleeding Out

June 20, 1992

Sorry for neglecting the thought of this whole journal thing. My life, as usual, is not getting better. I still don't have a boyfriend... Which doesn't seem too surprising. You guys grew up with me. Well, whoever is reading it anyway. Maybe it's my future kids, husband, or even Mickey.

I'd visit Iris and John every now and then, occasionally stopping at the record store to catch a brief glance at Danny. He wasn't there most of the time... Which is fine. It's not like he was my high school crush that never seemed to subdue. We'd have subtle yet interesting conversations over the artists and records I'd buy, which are seemingly way too much to count, according to Danny.

I still like him, and to be quite frank- I never really stopped. He was all I ever wanted; all I ever needed. I always dreamed of this beautiful world... A world with him in it, lying next to me, underneath the shining stars. You must have someone like that. I know you pictured that special someone as you read it- whoever you are.

On a completely different side note, River would call me quite a lot. He would mostly cough into the telephone, and sometimes I'd think he was hacking out his whole soul. I wasn't really sure what was wrong with him, and I didn't want to confront him by asking.

By now I was used to the random calls in the middle of the night, so I picked it up.

R: Hey Chris... You gotta come down to Nashville. I got you a job to be a makeup assistant on my new film.

C: I don't know-

R: I got the tickets and everything. C'mon Chris...

I haven't seen River face to face in nearly a year and a half. I don't exactly know what to think though... Maybe he's chopped all his hair off. Maybe he went brunette.

But, my favorite River is the one who embraced me with lust in his soul and love in his eyes. That long-haired River was always genuine... Humble. He always greeted you with a hug and you always inevitably felt that spark even if you had just met him. He was that kind of guy. That kind of guy with these ginormous circle glasses that seemed to make him look like a mad scientist. I loved the long hair on him though... The way he slicked it back and the way it glided along your cheek during a hug.

I remember quite vividly one day. It was a tired, cloudy day, and River and I sat on top of this cliff after our hike, exhausted to the core.

"Something's wrong with me, Riv. I feel sucked out, almost broken, if you will," I let out a defeated sigh, watching as he leaned back on the gravel. He traveled his worrisome iridescent eyes up at me.

"Everyone is broken," he says, his voice trailing off. "They just like to pretend they're not." I watched his dry hands wring with agitation. "It's like a mask that no one's willing to take off."

River was evidently alarmed by the state of affairs in this world. He was very disturbed by it, that's why he didn't go out much. He was just so enamored with the music that came out of his guitar. He never liked traffic jams, mobile phones, governments, and war. Authenticity was a big part of his non-materialistic livelihood.

"Do you see that cloud?" He said, eyes wide with curiosity. He pushed himself off the ground and glared out into the sky. I nodded but had no idea which one he was talking about. He then abruptly grabbed my hand and ran up to the edge of the cliff. "We're going to run and jump into these clouds and our whole past lives will dissolve and everything will be new from then on. Hold on."

"River, are you crazy? That's like a 400-foot drop. We're gonna die."

"Like I said, I'm along for the ride," he gave me a subtle smirk as we jumped. Not off the cliff, maybe just a few feet off the ground... But it was miraculous. The feeling was infinite - as if we were flying through the clouds. Before I could finish this story though, I had to answer River.