Where I'd Gone ⌲ River Phoenix ((COMPLETED))

Mixed Signals

His lips were pressed against mine and I didn't know what to do except to press back. It was my first kiss. His hand crept up to my neck and held it while we kept going, even though I had no idea what I was doing.

He finally let go and our lips made a "puck" sound as we opened our eyes. I didn't know whether to smile or to laugh or to just run away. But I just stood there, smiling. He smiled too and It made me melt.

We walked out the door and joined the rest of our family. Everyone was singing happy birthday to me as River wrapped his arm around me. This was the best day ever, me and River were finally together - so I thought, anyway.

After the singing was finished, we all sat back and savored some cake. Rain nudged me on the shoulder and winked. "What's up with you and River?" She asked.

I didn't know whether to tell the truth or not, but then again the truth is always the best. "We just listened to some James Taylor." I didn't exactly lie, nor did I tell her everything. She nodded her head and ate some cake.

After we finished the cake, River and Rain gave me birthday presents. "Open mine first," Rain smiled. She handed me a pink bag and I scrummaged through it to find some piano sheet music to Song For Sienna. "Iris told me you really liked the piano." She added.

"Thanks, Rain, I love it." I hugged her.

River shyly handed me a newspaper-wrapped rectangular object. I ripped it open to see it was a party tape, with music consisting of The Beatles, Bob Dylan, Led Zeppelin, Pink Floyd, and James Taylor.

"Thank you, it's all my favorite artists." I smiled.

"I put all my favorites in it, you copycat," He glanced down at the tape. "Hopefully you'll like it."

"I love it," I said as I hugged him. I definitely liked him at this point. It was evident that I had true feelings for him. Probably more than I liked Max.

The rest of the day we played charades, and I actually had lots of fun. Everyone was friendly and talkative and just, comfortable. As the sun started to set, the Phoenix family grabbed all their stuff and head out the door. Of course, my shyness took over me and I didn't initially go up to River to say goodbye. I kind of moved around the living room, waiting for him to come to me. But he didn't, and I worked up some courage to say goodbye.

He was waiting at the door, glaring at his mother, who was in an embrace with Iris. I snaked around the crowd and looked up at him. Then again he was a few inches taller than me. His hair hung over his face, I guess his gel faded away so it didn't hold up.

His seaweed-colored eyes slowly moved down to my level and our eyes connected. Everything flashed through my mind, the kiss, the games, the kiss. The kiss was pretty much unexpected, and he was giving me mixed signals all day. I wasn't sure if he liked me. The kiss seemed kind of like an act of pity, but he still hugged and touched me like wrapping his arm around me.

I had to think it over later when he wasn't right in front of me, so I smirked up at him. "Thanks for coming over."

"My pleasure." I really liked it when he said that. It just made me feel warm inside, like I've said before, he always finds a way to make me feel at home, even when I'm not physically at home.

"We need to do this again," I smiled, hoping I didn't sound too eager. He nodded and brought me into a hug, one of those bear hugs that I've always adored.

"Bye Chris." He gave me one last look and then he was gone. I wanted him to stay longer, I really did.

April 24, 1986

I called River because I just wanted to hear his voice. I didn't know exactly if we were an item or not, but I just went along with it. He was playing a game with me and I didn't know how to play it.

River was different in good ways too, though. He was more of a deep thinker, a very down-to-earth person. His views on vegetarianism, environmentalism, and activism affected my views, and well, changed me in a way. My morals were the same but inside I felt more gentle, loving. Almost exactly like that drugged-out 60's feeling. River picked up on the 5th ring and cleared his throat.

C: Hey.

R: Hey Chris.

C: What are you up to?

R: I went out for dinner and I thought about something.

C: What?

R: I woke up from a nap the other night. Everyone is cranky when they wake up. I thought to myself "I have no right to be cranky, I'm lucky." On my way to a restaurant, I get out of the car and see this person on crutches. His sign says he has AIDS and that his immune system is low. You know, he's broke, and his family won't talk to him because of the hospital bills. He didn't do this. The system did it - so when someone has a chronic disease, it sucks him dry. He could've been in the same restaurant two years ago, eating and tipping big. I felt blessed I could drop a fifty on him.

I just let him talk and I listened, like our typical conversations, but this one really hit in the heart. This is what I'm talking about, he is such a kindhearted soul.

C: River.

R: Yep.

C: You're amazing.

I heard him laugh on the other end.

C: I can't get over the fact that you're nicer than all guys I've ever known.

R: Haha, well I try, I try to be a nice guy. Well I'm not a brown noser or anything... I don't know... It's just my nature.

I wanted to just blurt out that I loved him, but some barrier kept me from it, like I like still sense that he was still dating Martha.

C: How can you be so sugar coated? Don't you ever just wanna cut the shit?

It was too late to the point where I knew I said that in an angry tone and I hoped he didn't take it in a bad way.

R: Sometimes I do wanna break out. But I can't find that one thing that will help me escape without hurting anyone.