sdmn one sh~i~ts

Eighteen Days

words: 1142   (1/3)
warnings: disordered eating ⚠️

Three am.

Well no, it was going to be four am, in about five minutes.

Regardless, it was too early to be awake and Harry knew he was going to be tired later during filming.

But really, when wasn't he tired?

It seemed to get worse every day. Harry was used to being tired; despite what people think, his job is far from easy, so he's more than used to having headaches and not getting enough sleep.

But he's not used to this. He's not used to being so tired, that he sleeps any chance he gets. To his brain being so hazy from how tired he is. To losing the motivation to do anything because, fuck, he is so tired.

It feels like he's dragging his body along. It takes so much strength to make it up the stairs, and his limbs never want to cooperate with him anymore.

He knows the bags under his eyes are becoming more prominent -Ethan pointed them out the other day- but he chose to ignore it, of course.

He licks his chapped lips, and stops himself from shaking -it's so cold in the bathroom.

He tries to ignore the small voice that tells him it's summer, he shouldn't be cold.

He steps on the scales, waiting for the numbers to appear. It's been eighteen days since he started his new diet, and every night, when Lux and Freezy are asleep, he comes to the bathroom to weigh himself.

He knows it's bad. No matter what happens, the voice in his head is never happy. If he doesn't lose weight, it gets angry and tells him he doesn't deserve to eat. If he's lost weight, it tells him that he hasn't lost enough, that he has to continue.

He looks at the number the scale reads out.

He pinches his thighs, trying not to make a noise. His eyes involuntarily water, and he's not sure if it's from the pain or how awful he feels.

He had started to shake again. He had been so hungry yesterday, he still was now. He hadn't eaten in days and he couldn't handle it. He knew he was weak, but that banana he had yesterday tasted so good, it was hard to feel bad about.

He's only fully shaking as he sinks to the ground. He's cold and tired, and he just wants to sleep forever.

He knows he has to do better.

"I'll do better, I promise." He pleads to no one in particular, he just wants it to stop.

Tears start to fall down his face.

He was doing this for his friends, for himself. He was going to be happy.

He thinks of how much nicer he'll look, all handsome with a flat stomach and smiles.

He was going to be so happy.

***

"Bogger come on! You have filming in in like, twenty minutes!"

Harry held back a groan as he opened his eyes. He blinked his eyes a few times, the room was spinning and his vision had dark spots.

"Finally. I've been calling your name for ages." Freezy spoke as he stood in the door frame.

"Yeah I'm up, sorry." He murmurs. He stands up, and sighs. His body aches and he just wants to go back to bed.

"Get dressed mate, we have to leave in like 3 minutes."

Harry sighs again as Freezy leaves the room. It feels like it takes all his energy to get dressed and he almost falls over twice.

He exits the room and goes straight to the sink. He fills a cup with water and chugs it.

"Guess breakfast is done, huh?" he mumbles almost sadly.

He joins his friend, putting on his shoes so they can leave.

"Hey, you okay?" Freezy asks behind him and if he had any energy, he would've nodded but he's too tired.

Harry hums back, not really in the mood to make conversation. Hell, when was he ever in the mood nowadays? He can't remember the last time he joined his friends to talk or play games. Or do anything really.

Freezy places a hand on his back when he almost topples into the shoes he was still trying to put on. "Woah, you good? Did you eat?"

"Huh? Yeah I did. Just something small." He lies. He's been doing that a lot. Lying. It comes so easily to him now.

Freezy gives him a look that says he doesn't believe him, but he thankfully doesn't call him out on it.

"You should have a big lunch then, but here." He slips Harry a granola bar and walks out the door to his car.

Harry looks at the granola bar, thinking about his friends words. He's conflicted. He knows he's not eating enough, but he thought that that was what people wanted. He was so fat, there was no doubt they wanted him to be thinner.

But then why? Why give him the granola bar and tell him to eat?

"Come on, Bogger!"

He blinks, and quickly exits the room. He holds onto the granola bar, puts it in his hoodies pocket, debating wether or not he should eat it.

***

They arrive to the filming studio in no time.

As he walks into the room, Harry plays with the granola bar.

One bite shouldn't hurt...

"Have you seen him-?"

"- to lose so much weight -"

Harry stops as he overhears Josh and Jj's conversation.

Were they talking about him?

He feels his eyes tear up. He knows he's fat, but for his friends to say he needed to lose more weight? It hurt a lot more than he thought it would.

He grips the granola bar tight and throws it in the first bin can he see.

He tells himself the aches in his stomach aren't from hunger. How can he be hungry? He's full of shame.

He avoids his reflection in the mirrored wall. That stupid fucking mirrored wall. He hates filming in this studio, but everyone else seems to love it. He knows what he's going to see and he hates it.

He misses the look of concern four people in the room share as they stare at him through said mirror.

As their camera team starts recording, Harry ignores the aches and the tiredness in his bones.

He's going to lose weight. He has to. He wants to be happy with the way he looks in the mirror.

No matter what it takes.

- - -
this gonna be multiple parts hehe
also sorry it's so choppy? i think i've mixed loads of tenses and stuff idk i'm a mess ahahah

(josh and jj's full conversation that boggo only heard snippets of:

"Have you seen him recently?"

"He's starting to lose so much weight, it just doesn't seem healthy."

blah blah blah
there's more to it but thats the basics of what he misheard lmao,, dw i'd never make them out to be complete cuntsss)