sdmn one sh~i~ts

Christmas Lights

words: 1516
warnings: the usual pinch of
depression & suicide :) are you even surprised???? ⚠️⚠️

Harry was smiling, though there was a salty taste in his mouth- from all the tears that slipped past his dry lips. He was still managing a smile, as he stared at the world opening in front of him, under his dangling feet.

He wasn't shaking anymore. It made him wonder if he was really all that sad and desperate to begin with. People usually shake with sadness, and find it hard to breathe in times like this, while Harry cried silently, a small sob wracking his frame here and there.

It was winter. And night too.

The famous city of London was alive, he could hear people laughing in the distance, random groups of teenagers enjoying the late hours with no adults in sight- aside from the occasional passer by. It was perfect, it was all he had longed for during the past year. The Christmas music, the lights, the odd calmness in the air. It was moments like this, when it would've been him down there, screaming the lyrics to his favourite songs with his friends, running around and making memories that would last a life time.

But now, now he was alone, but somehow content. He always knew, deep down, that it would come to this. No matter how much he smiled or how much he hoped, he knew that in the end,

no one would be there for him.

Harry sat there, humming the tune of a really shitty rendition of 'jingle bells' he had heard on the radio a few days ago. Things were so different then, yet somehow, they were the same as they've always been.

He found out a lot during the past couple of years. He found out that no matter how much you try, how many hours of sleep you lose for someone, how many lines you carve into your skin, how many fears you fight just to make them happy, make them feel safe- you'll still always be seen as the bad guy. You're still going to be the one who left when things got too hard, still the one who gave up.

He found out that no matter how many people tell you they are going to be there, and no matter how much they mean it, how much they try to mean it- in the darkest times, you're alone. You're alone and you're crying, desperately trying to hold onto something. And then the next day you're smiling bright and they have no idea.

He found out that being bisexual is something you have to fight against. It's something you should not accept, something that is wrong. Being bisexual means friends not letting you cuddle with them anymore because,

you must have a crush on them, right?

He found out that he's never trying hard enough. Never doing enough. Never fighting enough. That he always just gives up and doesn't care about anyone else in his life but himself.

Harry chuckled, wiping away a tear as he shook his head. Why was he so naive? How could he have believed that life was actually more than people said? How could he believe it was beautiful, as long as you tried your best to make it that way?

And the worst part is that he can see himself making the same mistakes he loves to judge.

He ignores people for days, simply because he can't bring himself to talk to anyone.

He avoids sensitive subjects because he's scared of getting overwhelmed again, because he fears he won't be able to handle it well enough, and only mess everything up. Again.

He talks about himself a lot to anyone who would listen, sometimes not even paying attention to how he might ruin their mood.

He's just as wrong, and as unpolished as everyone else yet he's always hoping someone will barge into his life and show him there's a point to all of this.