sdmn one sh~i~ts

Falling

words: 1,295
genre: slight angst
(inspired by tate mcrae's song,
'my mind don't match my mouth')

***
He hated to admit it, but he felt stuck. Frozen in time, he felt as if he couldn't move. He believed that he was broken, they were the words he'd mutter when he was alone in his room in the early hours of the morning, after, yet another sleepless night.

"My brain is broken." He genuinely believed it, but he couldn't let anyone know, he couldn't let anyone see. So whenever he was around someone he'd put up a front. He'd play it cool, he'd act as if he were fine. Though much to his dismay, his cover would sometimes break, and people could see his pain. They would question it, they'd ask him if he was okay. They cared, but he didn't see that, so he'd always have the same excuses lined up, ready to use.

"I'm bored, that's all."

"I mean, I am a little tired mate."

"I'm just in a bit of a mood, I'm okay though."

They were never complete lies, because well, he was constantly tired, but they were still so far from the truth. He couldn't get the words out, the words he wanted to say. He told himself he wasn't brave enough. He told himself that. He told himself a lot of things, and god, were those voices loud. All he would ever hear, were those voices.

You're not brave enough, Harry.
You're not strong.
Weak. You are weak, Harry.

He was one person on the outside, and a completely different inside. His mind didn't match his mouth.

"I'm okay." Meant that he was anything but.

"I look good today." I look absolutely disgusting.

It had come to the point where his friends no longer believed his lies, they weren't fools. The words he spoke, they were the complete opposite from what his face said, from what his eyes were screaming, and they could see it. They were starting to see it way too often. They all hated it, so much.

Harry had known his friends for so long, for so many years, yet they knew hardly anything about him. He made sure of that. It wasn't that he liked it that way, he was just scared, scared to let people in. He couldn't let them know he was falling, he believed that if he told them, they'd fall too. He didn't want to drag them down, to be a burden. He didn't want to let them see.

Though he was conflicted, because he wanted to scream at them, exposing his true feelings. He wanted to be free of what he was feeling, he wanted them to know, he wanted them to see the pain he was in, they needed to know. But they couldn't. It just had to be that way.

In his mind at least.

It was a constant struggle, like an ongoing game of tug of war, one that would never end. Himself and his friends, against his mind, his poisonous, rotten mind. Neither side was stronger. Stalemate. It would only take one thing to change, but that thing had to be Harry's mind, and that was less than likely.

***

"Harry, we need to talk." Simon muttered, as the camera crew started packing away the equipment used from the shoot they just did. Three videos recorded, now just waiting to be edited, and then posted online for everyone to see.

His heart rate increased massively, as his friend said those words. It couldn't be good. His tone was deadpan, it was serious, Harry didn't mix well with serious. He only nodded in response. The lankier man leaned back in his chair, looking to Josh, not knowing what to say.

"We are umm, we are worried about you Harry." The bearded one spoke, after taking a deep breath in. This time, his heart didn't start beating faster, it just stopped. It became heavy, drying out his throat.

"W-Why?" He managed to ask, acting oblivious. The two elders sighed, now joined by Vikk, and Tobi. "Why are you worried?" He asked again, this time with a lot more faux confidence. Simon narrowed his eyes, just staring for a while, most likely trying to figure out what to say.

"You're not yourself anymore," He began, just speaking his mind, saying whatever felt right.
"you hardly ever crack jokes anymore, you never hang out with us outside of shoots, and god Harry, I can't remember the last time I heard you laugh a real laugh.. it's been too long." He admitted, the, now four boys, nodding in agreement.

"I'm just in a little bit of a mood, I'm okay though." He spoke cautiously, using one of his default excuses. It always seemed to work, so why wouldn't it now? They looked unimpressed, and slightly disappointed.

"Hmm okay," Ethan started, shifting in his chair.
"So you've been in a 'little mood' for what, like three months now? Tell us the fucking truth Harry." He wasn't having it. He didn't want to be given a bullshit answer, he was worried about his friend, he wanted to know what was wrong.

"You can talk to us, it'll all be okay if you just talk to us Harry. We want to help." Josh said calmly, trying to make up for Ethan's coldness. He froze in his seat. He didn't know what to do. He wanted to bolt out of the room, yet he just couldn't bring himself to move. He couldn't move. He couldn't breathe. All the boys sat there, expectantly.

"Talk to us, please." Simon almost begged, placing a hand on his friends leg, in an attempt to calm him. Though it didn't work, Harry still felt as though he couldn't breathe. His chest felt heavy, and so did every other part of his body.

Except from his head of course, there was no great way to describe it. It felt as if his head were trapped inside a washing machine, everything just kept on spinning, and spinning, and spinning.

The boys looked to each other, their eyes wide.
"He's having a panic attack." Josh stated, recognising the signs. He kneeled down in front of his friend, taking both his hands in his.

"Harry, look at me yeah?"
"Harry look at me."
"Okay, good. I'm gonna need you to breathe for me."
"Can you do that for me Harry?"
"Breathe in and out with me."
"That's it, You're doing good Harry."
"No it's okay. Look at me, look at me Harry."
"Harry look at me. I'm here, just focus on me."
"Harry."
"Harry."
"Look at me, watch me breathe."
"That's it. Yeah you're doing great Harry."
"Slowly, In, and out. In, and out. In, and out."
"It's okay, just go slow. Slowly, In, and out."
"You're gonna be absolutely fine."

The boys watched in amazement, and terror. They admired Josh, he was always there for anyone that needed him. And this time, it just happened to be Harry. He spoke so calmly, he was so calm.

Simon found it weird, he was usually the one in this position. Vikk found it weird, he had found himself in this position plenty of times. Ethan found it weird, even he had been in this position before. And once he had calmed down, Harry found it weird. He had never been in this position. Not around anyone, at least, not near other people.

"Let's get you home, yeah?" Josh whispered quietly, as he helped a teary eyed Harry up from his seat. He obliged, knowing that there was no excuse he could use for this, there was no false reason he could quickly whip up. He just wanted to go home, he just wanted to go to bed.