sdmn one sh~i~ts

Too High /wroetobehz

words: 2973
warnings: anxiety, dissociation ⚠️

Harry first starts thinking something might be wrong when his arms stop working.

They're still there. He knows that they're still there, but the feeling has all gone. He tries squeezing his hands into firsts but his fingers won't work. They just tingle.

This isn't good.

His chest stutters a little, a panicked gasp sneaking out between his lips. Maybe it's spreading. If his lungs go numb, how is he going to breathe? What if his lungs go numb? What if it spreads up his arms and into his chest and stops his heart?

What then?

He tries to take a deep breath, tries to convince himself that nothing's wrong. But it's too hard. It's too hard.

It feels like there's a sack of rocks lodged in the base of his throat, refusing to let anything past.

Harry realises that something is really wrong when he starts getting light headed- his vision swimming with the lack of oxygen. He knows that there's someone sat next to him- he can feel the warmth of their arm against his side, it might be Ethan, or Simon, or Jj, or-

He needs to grab them. He needs to move his arm and grab them and tell them that he can't breathe, that his heart's stopped, that he's going to die- but his hands still aren't working. They just won't work.

***

It's kind of a terrifying moment when you realise that your boyfriend isn't breathing. It's not really something that you listen out for- the whistle of breath between someone's lips, but it's really fucking obvious when it stops.

All of the boys, bar those who are currently out shopping in central London, are gathered in the living room. They've been here since they got home from filming, not quite ready to be alone just yet. They're never really alone, but it's always nice to spend time as a group when they're not working. It's nice to remember that they're still actually friends behind all the cameras and screens.

Ethan had pulled Harry down onto the sofa, tucking him into the corner so that he had something to lean against. Harry's shoulder is the perfect perch for his head, just as Ethan's thigh is the perfect perch for his hand. Harry hadn't complained, and so Ethan had fallen into conversation with Jj and Simon and wasn't worried.

Harry had been having a bit of a tough day- Ethan can always tell. It had taken a while for him to wake up and work up the energy to get out of bed, and he'd needed a long hug in encouragement from Ethan to leave the house.

He'd just been a little out of it- especially since their lunch break. Ethan has been watching for the signs of an oncoming panic attack since then, but he might just need a good nights sleep to get back on his feet.

It's hard to gauge with Harry because he's usually so forthcoming with his feelings. Sometimes Ethan gets an inkling that he's hiding something, that he's putting on a brave face to hide how shitty he's feeling inside, but he always feels bad to assume anything when Harry works so hard to ask for help when he feels like he needs it.

Maybe sometimes he just doesn't think he does.

Ethan also knows that it can be a very bad idea to push. Pushing him to talk about his feelings when he doesn't want to can lead to a lot more stress and upset than is necessary. Ethan doesn't want to upset Harry, no matter whether he's worried- he never wants to be the cause of Harry's negative emotions, not if he can help it.