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Letter - Huening Kai

Medium (1461 words)
Warnings: None
Note: This one is a bit different, it's solely in the form of a letter

Hyuka,

It's been a while. I don't really know where to start this. I guess the best way to start is by saying I miss you. I know, I was supposed to get over you a long time ago. I don't really understand why I can't let go of you, or rather, the thought of you.

When I first met you all those years ago, I really didn't like you. You were loud, obnoxiously smart, and, for lack of better terms, a pubescent boy. You made jokes at my expense and never seemed to get bothered by the things I said back. It was like I could never get under our skin like you did to me.

The year after that, something changed. I don't know how, and it's just another thing about you that I can't explain. Suddenly, you weren't loud. You were outgoing. You weren't obnoxiously smart, you were brilliant. Borderline genius, though I'd never admit it. The qualities I used to hate now weren't so bad.

Looking back, things went downhill pretty fast. The only way I can logically defend my actions was that you were my first love, and that made me do crazy things. I texted you every day and all throughout the night. You obviously weren't interested, and if you were, that definitely changed after a couple weeks of my pestering. Yet, for some reason, you put up with me. We called each other names and said mean things, but we also brought each other up and comforted each other. After about half a year of my obsessive texting, I calmed down a bit. That was probably where our friendship grew the most, in my opinion. I accepted that you didn't like me, but I was pretty content with being your friend. I still was obsessive, no doubt about it, but it seemed like you actually wanted to talk to me. My heart raced every time I got a notification from you.

At some point during this time, your grandpa died. You weren't in school for a whole week. You were in Korea with your family. I found out through our mutual friend. We didn't text at all that week. When you got back, I said "I'm sorry for your loss". It was probably one of the first things I had said to you since the year before, despite our constant texting. That night, you texted me, and told me how thankful you were that I said something.

Later on that year, you moved away. The last time I saw you was at the village festival. You were wearing your flannel with a white shirt and jeans, your so-called "wannabe kpop outfit". You were standing in line for a corn dog right behind my family. That memory is still engraved in my memory, clear as day.

Even after you moved, you still texted me. You defended me when one of my friends turned her back on me. It really meant a lot to me.

After that, we talked less and less. You were busy with your new life, while I was still trying to get through my old one.

One day that year, in March, to be exact, you texted me. You seemed to have it in your mind that you did something wrong to me. Maybe you did, and I was just blinded by whatever this feeling was. You said how you were thankful that I didn't "give up" on you and that I "gave you a second chance". I didn't quite understand, but of course, I'd always give you a second chance. We continued to talk when you got sappy on me again. You told me how I was one of the only ones who said "I'm sorry for your loss" when your grandpa died. You told me about how your group of fake friends didn't say anything about it. Hell, you didn't even remember if your best friends said it to you. But you remembered that I did.

After that, we started to drift apart more permanently. Texts were few and far between. I tried to make small talk with you, but responses were always short, and eventually, we just stopped texting.

I thought it would end there. I wasn't texting you anymore, people rarely brought you up, everything was good. But then, I became close with one of your best friends, Daniel, that still lived here. You guys still talked all the time, and sometimes, I think that's why I started to like him. People have said that people are just collections of other people's personalities. You pick up a habit from one friend, and a certain word or phrase from another, and it just sticks to you. A lot of things Daniel did reminded me of you. You had similar unique phrases you'd say. You'd make similar jokes. So, for a little less than a year, I temporarily forgot about you.

Pursuing Daniel didn't go so well for me. He hasn't talked to me in a while. In fact, he hasn't talked to anyone in a while. From what I've heard, he's cooped up in his room, playing videogames with you and Joshua.

After I got over Daniel, you were back in my mind. I made the mistake of texting you. It was nice to talk to you again, don't get me wrong, but I shouldn't have said anything. Your AP teacher had neglected to teach you a whole unit of material before the worldwide testing. Daniel had to teach you the whole unit. Daniel had told me all about it. I knew everything about the situation, I could have just moved on with my life.

But I didn't.

Instead, I texted you. I asked if it really happened. You showed me the email where your teacher essentially said "well, we didn't teach you guys this. Guess you'll die!" We talked about the test questions, and then, we stopped texting. To this day, I still tell your story to other people, about how your teacher just had you guys teach it to yourselves.

Now, the memory of you pops out at me every once in a while. Whenever I see the name "Patrick", I think of you, after you said my teeth looked like Spongebob's, so I said you were as dumb as Patrick. Whenever I hear the word "ego", I think of you, because whenever I gave you compliments, I called it "boosting your ego".

I've had dreams about you too. Sometimes, you tell me about Korea. Other times, you come back. Sometimes you say you miss me.

It's not healthy, this obsession with you. I wish I could make it stop, but some part of me just wants to hold on to the memories I had of you. A lot of my friends and family over the years have told me you were bad to me, and that even our friendship was toxic. Maybe it was. I deleted our conversations to keep myself from reading them. For a while, I had your number blocked, but I ended up unblocking it, in the extremely rare scenario that you needed me. It hasn't happened yet, and I doubt it will.

I wonder if you still think about me too. There's no way you can still take up so much of my mind, while I'm just an awkward memory you want to forget. Then again, that might be exactly the case. Maybe you avoid some girls because they remind you of me. Maybe you hate Spongebob now because you think of our nicknames for each other. Or maybe, you don't even remember any of this. I don't know which is worse: you hating me, or you forgetting me. It's probably normal for you to have forgotten me at this point. Maybe you have a girlfriend, or a boyfriend. Maybe you've forgotten about your life here completely. It hurts, the thought of you. It's bittersweet. By writing this letter, I hope I can finally move on from you completely. I've spent too long making up scenarios in my head where you come back. It's unhealthy, and if anyone else knew how often I thought about you, they'd judge me pretty harshly.

So, I hope you're doing well. I hope you're living a fun life with good people surrounding you. I hope you continue to stay happy and healthy. I hope that by writing all these feelings out, I can finally leave you in the past. You let go of me a long time ago, and it's time for me to do the same. Fate will cross our paths together again if she wants, but for now, we're better off apart, and I need to accept that.

Your old friend,
(Y/n)