Mine

Chapter 15

Time Jump: 1 month
I walk down the deck of the ship, trying not to think of Meredith. Everything I do is controlled by her. Every decision I make, every direction I take is based on her every move. For the past month, she is all I have thought of. I can't live without seeing her every day so I climb to her window and watch her sleep. That's the only time she looks peaceful and happy. Meredith had been avoiding me, avoiding neuro. I had agreed to take Addison back in Seattle. I couldn't move away from Meredith yet. I look over the railing and see Addie wave. I sigh and turn around. I get dizzy and stop walking as I reach the other side of the ship. I don't even know how long it's been since I ate something that was a proper meal. I don't eat often. It hurts to eat without her. My hands grip the dark green bars of the ferry. I close my eyes and try to calm myself.

"What are you looking all thoughtful for?" Meredith's soft voice echoes in my ears as she laughs.
Her arms wrap around my neck from the back and I smile.
"Nothing." I laugh as the wind brushes my face.
"Well then, turn around and kiss me." She whispers.
I chuckle and turn to face her. I smile and watch her hold the lapels of the long coat. I stare into the mesmerizing green in her eyes as her hands fall to her sides. I look down and push my fingers into hers. Smiling, I make her arms wrap my torso. I let them stay there as my hands caress her cheeks.
"Is it possible that a ferryboat ride with me makes everything better?" She asks, standing on the tips of her toes.
"What makes you think that there was ever anything wrong?" I laugh as her forehead pressed to mine.
"Because you were looking at the water in Elliot Bay like it was showing you something." She says as she pulls me closer.
"Nothing is wrong. I promise." I smile.
I lean down and press my lips to hers. Her tongue wraps mine and teases it to push closer.
"Okay. I believe you." She smiles pulling away.
I pull her hands from my torso and step behind her. Her fingers hold the bars of the ferryboat and I cover them with mine. She looks up at me and smiles.
"Now we can be ruminative together." I chuckle.
I hug her from behind and kiss her neck as she laughs.

I shake my head and push her from my mind. Hurriedly, I push my hair from my face.
"Damn it!" I say softly.
Tears stream down my face and hit the surface of Elliot Bay. I lift my head and breathe deeply. The salty air fills my lungs as I sniffle. I push myself off the rail and look over the edge. Wiping my tears, I look around. The ferryboat stops and I get off of it. As I walk down the boardwalk, I see golden hair shining in the sunlight. The woman holds the hand of a little boy. It's Meredith. I watch from a distance as she laughs and I see her face. My breathing stops as her laughing enters my ears. A spear plunges through me as I remember that she isn't mine. Right now, more than ever, I want to step over to her and push my lips into hers. I want to feel her warmth. Meredith is the woman I love. I have admitted it to myself. Never out loud though. Except, it is harder to see her. I push the feeling deep into me and walk towards the hospital.

I walk in the door and see Meredith again. How did she get here so fast? She looks miserable as I walk past her. Reaching Bailey, I touch her shoulder.
"Put Meredith on my service," I say clearly.
She hesitates but nods.
"I need Meredith today." Richard walks in.
I take off my gloves and shove them into my pockets.
"Why do you need her?!" I spat.
"I'm coaching her in general." He says calmly.
"What? Meredith's giving up neuro?" I step back, surprised.

I shake my head and walk towards her. My pulse quickens as I pull her into an on-call room.
"You are leaving neuro?!" I ask, shutting the door.
She moves away from me as I let her arm go. Her hand rests on the handle and she hesitates.
"You can't. Please. You are the best neuro intern." I say looking at her back.
I hear her take a deep breath and she stands up straight. I want to say it so bad. 'I love you.' I could not do that to her.
She turns and her back presses the door.
"How could you leave Neuro? It needs you." I ask.
"How could you leave me?! I needed you." She whispers.
My face relaxes as I feel a wave of sadness wash over me. I step closer to her as my inhibitions lower. We stand a foot from each other and my desire to kiss her rises.
"I can't go back to Neuro. Not now. I'm sorry." She says opening the door and walking out.
I watch as light streams into the room and she walks around the corner. I sigh as pull at my hair. She needed me and I left her at her weakest. I shut the door and collapsed on the bed. She was absolutely right. She needed me and I quit. Now I want her back but I can't have her. I don't deserve to have her. I'm with Addie anyway. I can't leave Addie. I lean over the bed and gasp as my side hits the floor. I feel disgusted at myself as I walk up the stairs above the lobby.