Mine

Chapter 18

I stand as my heart beats loudly in my chest as I stand frozen in OR. Where was Meredith? She couldn't be... No. She wasn't. I ripped my gloves off and walked out of the OR. I felt a relief as Meredith stood up. I walked to her and pulled her into a large hug.
"How's Finn?" She asked impatiently into my ear.
I ignored her and kept my arms around her, holding her close so that I can feel her every inch. So that I know she is real.
"I was so worried. When they told me that he was the only survivor of the wreck...I..." I whisper, tightening my grip around her.
"Is he alright?" She asks pulling away.
I nod and see her sigh happily.
"How did his sutures hold?" She asks as we walk down to the patient room.
"Only a few ripped." I smile.
I stop in front of the door and watch her face light up as she sees him. My stomach twists as she walks over and holds his hand.
"What did you do?" She laughs.
"I was trying to get you breakfast. I can't cook." He laughs.
I walk away and sit at the nurse's station. I write in his chart and sigh as I look into the room. Meredith had moved on and there was nothing I could do.

I feel a wetness on my neck and look up to see Addison.
"Hey." I smile gently.
"Are you okay Derek? This morning you were very odd. A good 'odd' but I felt like you were a little bit upset." She says.
I continue writing in my chart and don't look up.
"And then yesterday, I was in surgery but I heard there was a fight between you and Finn. What were you fighting about?" She asks.
"It doesn't matter, it's time to move on. My anger for Finn is gone. I'm sorry if I gave you mixed signals." I say standing.
"It's fine. Do you want me to order in at the trailer?" She asks as I push my fingers through hers.
"Sure." I smile as she lets my fingers go and walks away.

My eyes lock on Meredith and Finn. Her head rests on his chest, with his arm draped over her shoulder. I should have told her that I loved her. We could have had a real chance. I look down and let tears drip from my eyes. My pager starts to ring making them aware of my place in the room. I nod and leave the room. Walking down the catwalk, I stop and look over the railing. The railing I pushed her over. I look at the ground, clean now instead of blood-stained. My pager rings again and I knock on the door of the Chief's office.

"Come in." I hear.
Turning the knob and walk inside to find the board director sitting in one of the seats in front of Richard. I watch them curiously and feel my stomach twist.
"Close the door, Derek," Richard says.
I feel sick and gently shut it and sit next to the board director. Richard motions to him to speak.
"As you know, we check in on the chief of specialties to determine if we can find someone better." He says.
They hesitate as I feel myself being squeezed.
"You are not the best Neuro attending," Richard says softly.
I sit up straight and look at them oddly as I realize what is happening.
"Please tell me this isn't a demotion," I say.
"You are no longer the chief of Neuro," Jennings says.
"Well, who is?" I ask, standing.
"Finn." My eyes widen at the name.
"Why?" I ask angrily.
"Over the past few months, you have saved 60 patients. No more. You have had over 500 surgeries." Richard says.
"And what makes you think Finn is better?" I ask.
Because he has lost 3 patients in the past two months." Jennings stands up and looks at me.
"How come you didn't just demote in September?" I ask.
"The peak your entire career was from June to September. Something happened to make you..." Jennings starts.
"Incredible. You didn't lose one patient." Richard says.
"Whatever you had then, you need it now," Jennings says.
"You are dismissed," Richard says.
I get up and immediately walk into an on-call room.

I shut the door and collapse into a bed. My own sobs fill my ears, sending shocks through me. I silence my pager and shove my face in the pillow. I had Meredith from June to September. I didn't fight for her and left her. I shut my eyes and attempt to fall asleep.

I wake in the clouds and immediately get up. Looking around, I see not one person. The clouds shift underneath my feet and dissolve. I scream as I fall into the freezing water. I shiver and tears stream down my face. My arms flail in the cold air as my legs fight to keep me at the surface. I gasp as a tidal wave pushes me deep into the water. The more I try to fight, the deeper I sink. I hear water splashing behind me and turn frantically to find the noise. I see Finn's raven locks underneath me and hold out a hand to help him swim up. His arm reached as I swam deeper to him. My ears popped and I watched his mouth open. Water flooded his face and I looked up. A svelte figure plunged deep into the water and I smiled seeing Meredith. My chest contracted, feeling immense pressure. I watched her swim deeper into the dark. Finn was there. A second later, she came back up while holding his hand tightly. I tried to swim up with them but the water pushed me down. She pulled him from the water and their heads broke the surface. I need to breathe. I fought against the currents as I saw her hold him. Jealousy filled me. That should be me. Finn shouldn't even be here. Her fingers tangled in his hair and I felt my chest tighten. Her hands caressed his blue cheeks and her lips pressed his. What was the point? I would never have her for myself. She would never love me again. There was no point in fighting. I relax my feet and arms. The water achieves it's goal and pulls me into its depths. I see her move farther away and close my eyes. Finn coughs and shakes back to life. My water floods my chest as I sink.