The Thing about Falling ✓

Thirty one • The Slump

Owen

I feel numb.

I don't know how to act anymore. It's like everything I've ever learned had been completely erased and here I am, just existing in the aftermath of it instead of living.

It was a few weeks after that incident happened and I felt so terrible, I couldn't bring myself to even talk to the cramped circle of friends I have. I had completely shut down.

I don't talk to Athena as much as I used to and I despised myself for it. She doesn't deserve to sort out my problems and dilemmas. I don't think I even deserve her at all.

These days, we act like there was nothing between us. We were like complete strangers who simply greeted each other out of politeness and good conduct. It sounded all so formal whenever she would come around and stop in her tracks to stare at me with an unreadable expression as she blurted out a kind, "good afternoon". I would reply the same to her in the same manner.

At this point, I don't know what to do.

I can't talk to Fitz without thinking how something happened between me and the girl he likes. Or liked. It was unclear now. Anyway, Fitz was tied to her, he was bound and crazy for Maya and I couldn't bring myself to even talk to him normally without remembering how my night with Maya boiled down.

Maya was out of the picture for me. She's evicted, dismissed. I completely lost my respect for her after how she acted like what happened that night was no big deal. It might not be for her but it was a huge deal for me.

I didn't know how exactly I would lose my virginity given my situation. I thought it was impossible but I guess I spoke too soon.

As days passed by after that incident, I slowly remembered bits and pieces of that night and I grew to hate myself even more.

I gave Maya consent.

I let her, thinking she was Athena.

At this point, I don't know how if I'm ever going to face Athena or Fitz normally after this. My mind was fogged by shame, humiliation, and hatred, even my grades went down. What boggled me even was the fact that I didn't seem to care.

I passed requirements late and I failed my tests. I got deductions for the crappy work I submitted and the professors seem to be getting annoyed with how I've taken advantage of the extra time I get to come and go to my classes, I always arrive around half of the lecture. I know that if I kept this up, they would take this to the ODS and revoke my privileges but somehow, I don't know how to pick myself back up.

I'm in a terrible slump.

In Chem lab, Dr. Anderson kept calling my attention and I never seem to get angry or annoyed at how ableist his comments are. Maya still tries to talk to me during class but I chose to ignore her every time, letting Dr. Anderson give me a long sermon on how childish I was and how he would report my behavior to the admins if I keep this up.

Well, if I were them, I wouldn't even want to have a person like me in their class either.

I hated myself more at this point.

Today was another one of those times where we had a totally homework-free day. I was supposed to be thankful that I had nothing to do that concerns school but I had PT today with Sophie. And so I went.

"You seem quiet." Sophie told me as soon as we begun working on some equipment that strengthens my upper body, my wheelchair locked in place as I stretched my arms back and forth repeatedly using resistance bands.