Doctor & Nurse

Chapter 47

All-day, I've been sitting at home stewing about Tobias's lecture he gave me before my parent's memorial service. I'm ready to confront him about his actions. When he walks through the door that evening, I'm sitting at the table, waiting for him. "Tobias, I would like to discuss a few things with you," I say confidently, staring at him. He sits at the table, returning my even stare. Concern crosses his features, asking, "What about? How was your meeting today with Patch?" I reply, "It went well, but I want to talk about the other day when you lectured me before mom and dad's memorial service. I don't appreciate how you continue to give me the same lecture all the time and treat me like a child. I don't like the fact you don't trust me enough to take care of myself. The more I think about everything, the more it bothers me. I have always been there for you. I have always supported you when you have flashbacks and need time to yourself. The other day, I felt like I deserved to be spoken to like that. I let it go, but the more I think about it, the more it eats at me. I'm an adult who had a moment. My parents died. Everyone deserves to fall apart from time to time. This was my time to fall apart. I'm always strong, and instead of being there for me, you decided to talk down to me like I'm one of your co-workers, an insubordinate, or a child. You need to be there for me, Tobias, because I feel like you took things too far with how you spoke to me. I'm an adult. Let me act like one. Let me deal with the consequences of my actions. How would you have felt if I spoke to you as you did me after you had a flashback? I don't want to argue with you, I love you, but I won't let you talk down to me or patronize me again. If you do, in your words, we might have to re-evaluate our relationship," narrowing my eyes at him. I brace myself, waiting for the fight from him, but it never comes. Tobias rubs his face with the palms of his hands, answering, "I don't know what to say, Tris. I'm sorry. I'm only human. I was wrong to have spoken to you in the way I did. I don't know why I did in the first place. I should have known better. I thought maybe you would listen if you understood how scared I was. I never want to experience something like that again. I love you, and if anything happened to you. . . I don't think I could live with myself. I don't think I could live in a world where you didn't exist. I don't even want to think about that possibility."

"I know you were scared, you told me, but like you told me, talk to me. Don't lecture me as you would a child. I had two great parents. I don't need another one. I need a fiance, a future husband, I need someone I can trust to talk to when I have problems, someone who isn't going to judge me. I would never judge you when you are facing a problem. Can I ask the same of you?" I ask, playing with my own fingers, waiting for his answer to my question. He answers, with tears glistening from his eyes, "Of course, I don't know what you are expecting me to say, other than the fact, I'm sorry. I trust you with everything, including my life. I trust you to take care of yourself. I trust you with my heart and soul. I don't know why I ever said those things. I guess I was in the heat of the moment. I'm sorry. I will forever be apologizing to you. Please forgive me." Quietly, I sit across the table from him, attempting to absorb the moment. Tobias rakes his fingers through his hair and slumps back in the chair. He looks disheveled. His hair is going in every direction from tugging on it. From his body language, I can tell Tobias is scared I'm going to leave him, and I'm going to call it quits on our relationship. Tapping my fingers silently against my leg, I decide to put him out of his misery, "I forgive you, but I will never let you speak to me like that again. We are equals in this relationship. While we are on the subject of feelings. I have a few questions about your time in Iraq." Momentarily, Tobias looks happy until the word Iraq falls onto his ears, and he turns gray as a ghost. He exclaims, "Do we have to do this now? I don't want to relive that time in my life."

I mutter, "I know, but I would like you to know. I'm not going to push you, just know when you are ready, I would like to talk about it," attempting to meet his eyes. Painfully, he asks, "Why?" I reply, "I want to know what you went through. I want to be there to support you. I have questions that only you can answer." Tiredly, Tobias asks, "What questions?" My mind blanks, I mumble, "Like. . . Like. . .Like. . .I can't think of them right now, but I do have questions." Tobias sighs, "You really don't want to know what I went through when I was over there. You don't want to know what I saw. The things I saw will give you nightmares. I don't want to put you through that. No one should have to endure, hear, or see what I saw, ever. Please, Tris, don't make me speak about it right now. I promise, one day, I will speak about it, and I will answer all of your questions, but not tonight or even this month." Anguish pours from Tobias's eyes when they connect with mine. Instantly, regret floods my chest for making him feel this way. I utter, "I just want to know that way I can help you." Tobias slumps against the chair. He looks worn-out, I knew Tobias wouldn't be ready to discuss what happened in Iraq with me, but I'm happy he knows I have questions about his time. I want to know about his time. Nothing he could tell me about his time in Iraq could scare me off. Tobias shuts his eyes. I move from my chair to sit on his lap and wrap my arms tightly around him. That night while we lay in bed, and he holds me close, he kisses my head, whispering, "I'm sorry, Tris. I love you." I smile, "I love you too, Tobias," wrapping an arm around his waist.