Doctor & Nurse

Chapter 41

Picking up the phone, my heart pounds in my ears, hoping it's Tobias. "Tobias, is that you?" I utter into the phone. There is an awkward pause on the other side of the line, "Hello," I mutter again. No one responds. Getting ready to hang up the phone. Suddenly, a male's voice breaks through the silence, asking, "Tris, is that you?" Unsure, I ask, "Who is this?" No one ever calls the house phone except for mom. "Is this Tris?" Asks the male voice once again. I answer, "Yes," unsure if I should answer this person. "Tris, this is Patch Cipriano, Tobias's doctor. Tobias has requested I inform you he has checked himself into treatment. He requests you don't visit him at the treatment facility, but does ask that you write letters to him if you would like. This morning, I found him sitting on a ledge of a bridge, he looked in bad shape, and he was in a bad place mentally. Between you and me, I have never seen him this bad since he first got out of the Army. I suggested to him as a friend, he take a mental vacation. He isn't in a psychiatry hospital; if you are wondering, he is at a retreat facility that focuses on a person's mental health without outside distractions. Would you like his address that way you can write to him?"

I'm stunned into silence by Dr. Cipranio's information he has given me. I knew Tobias didn't sound well in the letter he left on the pillow, but I had no idea how bad he really was. Relief fills my chest, at least he is safe somewhere, even if that somewhere isn't with me. "Tris, are you still there?" Patch asks, worry evident in his voice, his voice startling me back to reality. I reply, "Yes, I am, give me a moment to find a piece of paper and a pen to write down the address." Grabbing a pen and piece of paper off the table, I reply, "Ready!" Patch rattles off, "1975 Madison Avenue, Virginia, Connecticut 05730. Before he left, he left a letter he wanted me to give to you, if you want to swing by my office later today or Monday, I will be happy to give it to you." An uneasy smile tugs at my lips, attempting to imagine what Tobias's letter says, I answer, "Thanks for calling me Patch. I was very worried about Tobias, at least I know he is safe now. I'll be by to pick up the letter later today."

Hanging up the phone, tears stream down my cheeks. I know I'm being selfish, but I miss Tobias already. I feel like the reason he broke is entirely my fault. If only I had shut the tv off, if only I had kept my feelings to myself, he would still be here. I should have dealt with my feelings on my own. Heaviness weighs in my chest, I wish, I could see him one more time, give him one more kiss, and tell him, I love him one more time. The tears flood down my cheeks for hours. I curl into a ball feeling sorry for myself, but slowly, I realize, I need to be strong for Tobias, I need to take care of myself while he is gone. I attempt to rationalize Tobias wouldn't have left if he didn't feel like he truly didn't have to leave. A small part of my brain believes everything will work out for the better.

The next few days go by in a daze. I lay in the bed depressed and lonely without Tobias. My fingers constantly searching his side of the bed for his body but finding nothing. The house is too quiet, even with Patches running around the house after his toy mouse. Monday morning approaches, I force myself to get up, I force myself to eat, and to get dressed for clinical. I go to clinical, but the whole day passes in a daze. I catch myself constantly searching for Tobias in every white coat I see on the unit. The doctor who takes over Tobias's service while he is out on medical leave is not a polite man, he is rude to patients, and disrespectful to his fellow co-workers. The nurses murmur on the unit about the vast difference between this new doctor and Dr. Eaton, rumors begin to swirl around the unit about what happened to Dr. Eaton. I wait for Tori to ask, but she never does. I don't offer to explain to anyone why Tobias isn't at the hospital.

Walking out of the hospital at the end of the day, I get into Tobias's car, the tears creep into my eyes once again, his car smells like him. I miss the way he smells. Driving to Patch's office, I let the tears come. Walking into Patch's office, he greets me with a smile, "You look horrible. You should go home, get some rest. I talked to Tobias this morning, he assures me he is safe, and he is doing as well as he can under the circumstances. I know, you don't really know me very well, but you look like you could use a friend. Do you want to go out to dinner with my wife, Nora, and me tonight? You don't have to if you don't want to." A slight smile tugs at my lips, "Thanks, Patch, I would like to go to dinner with your wife and you. I could really use a friend today." My mind drifting to being around one person who knows and understands everything that is going on in my life. I have been ignoring Chris lately, I know she would understand if I explained everything, but Tobias's past isn't mine to tell her. Patch's voice breaks my thoughts, "Nora and I will meet you at DeCaprio's at eight." Turning to leave, I reply, "See you then." Walking out the door, Patch says, "Tris, do me a favor, take a nap, you really do look awful." Nodding my head, I leave his office to drive home. When I get into the car, I open Tobias's letter he left. My eyes glance over his handwriting, reading: Tris, Please don't be too mad at me. I am doing this for us. I'm sick of feeling on the edge, waiting to fall off the cliff, and constantly having to worry about when my next flashback will happen. Before I left, I met with Patch, we discussed upping my medication, and I agreed to try it. Hopefully, it will work, but I need some time to figure out somethings. Patch assured me he would keep an eye on you for me. I love you, and I will be home in a few weeks. I needed to leave to clear my mind and to think about everything that has been going on in my life. I have been very stressed lately, I needed a mental vacation from it all. I know you are going to want to visit, but please, don't try to visit. I need alone time to think and believe me it isn't because I don't want to see you, it's because if I see you then I will want to leave, to go home with you. I would love it if you would write to me. Patch informed me, he would give you my address, but in case he forgets it is 1975 Madison Avenue, Virginia, Connecticut 05730. If you do write letters, please address them to William Edwards, that is the name I am under at the retreat facility to remain confidential.