Silent Voice - Zelkpvp Novel

Chapter 39 Sorry

The day passed on, completely uneventful. Jacob lay with his head against Mega's shoulder. 

mega pov

I looked at Jacob.

I loved him and he clearly loved me- but my stupid past was getting in the way.

The plan had already formed in my head.

This time, or never.

Both of them were clearly not ok. I wished we were.

Jacob wanted so desperately for me to be ok, that he tried to fix me overnight.

You can't force healing. 

He just made things worse.

(ahhhhhhh my hand hurts from writing so much)

Little did he know that things were slowly getting worse.

The drawings in my notebook were becoming more and more deadly.

I no longer showed him my writings and drawings, and I made sure to keep my sleeves covering my arms.

Yes, the scars were still not healed and it didn't help that new ones were added daily now.

I still really debated my decision, thinking of why.

'Death seems easier than having to constantly deal with the pain.' 

'The mental pain that destroys you.' 

'Destroys you to the point where you start physically deconstructing your body, taking out the pain on yourself.'

'It hurts so much that you don't even have tears anymore.'

'You want to save everyone from this 'new' and 'toxic' you.' 

'It's like you're a burden to everyone.'

I really didn't want to break Jacob in the process of fixing myself.

Fixing.

Was I really some old machine waiting to be fixed?

I could never be fixed, who was I kidding.

Broken forever because of my past... my mother.

'That horrid woman.' 

My blood boiled at the single thought of her.

Jacob was on his phone, and I was sketching in my notebook when a poem came suddenly to my mind.

"When you feel your life slipping through your fingers,

And you notice that you have no control,

When you see that you're one of the overthinkers

And your life feels like it has no goal.

When you take the knife without seeing it,

Without seeing what you have done,

That your skin is now split,

And the scars are more way than one.

Then you know that something's wrong

That your life is all messed up

You have been overthinking all along,

And your heart has barely any energy to pump."

I thought I might continue it later when I remembered - there was going to be no "later".

I looked down at Jacob unconsciously, not seeing him, chewing on my pencil.

"Mega?" Jacob's voice brought me back from the abyss of my thoughts.

I jerked awake, realizing that I had been staring at him.

"You alright?"

I nodded my head.

"You look kinda sad... What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Wanna watch some videos?"

I smiled, pretending everything was ok, but in my head, I kept apologizing about my future actions... the harm to be done...

Last moments with Jacob...

I pulled myself out of my thoughts, trying to focus on what he just said.

"Yeah... sure," I answered.

We laughed, watching some funny youtube videos.

I relaxed, almost forgetting about my pain... my plan.

A bit of time had passed and Jacob wandered off to who knows where.

Mega sat with his notebook and a pencil in his hand, writing fast, not caring how it looked.

Tears came down his face, spattering onto the paper, smudging the writing a bit, but Mega didn't care to wipe them away.

He couldn't help but feel guilty about his plan.

My breathing sped up, as I tried to finish the note quickly.

I have made my choice, as I wrote down the words that I have thought of for a long time now.

The note needed to be compact, but clearly stating its purpose.

I looked around, stopping for a moment to listen to where Jacob was.

Not hearing a sound, I quietly made my way downstairs, slipping out and closing the door.

I looked at the house for what I thought was the last time, and without hesitation, without turning to look back, I confidently made my way to the place.

The bridge.

The sky was begging to turn dark as I got there.

There was a slight wind and I stopped for a bit to look at the city, lighting up.

It looked so pretty.

But what was to be done, had to be done.

I hoped Jacob wouldn't miss.

I sighed as I looked down, at the forceful waves that crashed in wild surges against the dark rocks.

'Am I really doing it?'

I pulled up my sleeve to look at the pearly white scars shining in the dim lights.

'My whole life is ruined by that woman. There is no point in living. I'm broken, and Jacob was wrong to think he could fix me. I am beyond repair, and now also his reach.'

I sighed again, deep inside wishing there was someone to stop me.

Someone to tell me that this wasn't the right end.

'My life isn't a book after all. There are no happy endings. This is not real. Life is maybe just an illusion.' I tried telling myself, talking over my common sense.

<Word count 875>

...oh? ...Mega?

haha well, i hope you all had a great day/night!